fujimaru | Reverie Inbox

I was fifteen. We're kind of varied, from eleven to eighteen mostly... oh, but Yachiyo contracted when she was twelve and she survived all the way to nineteen! She's a veteran!

[ She's so proud of this. ]

You've got a point, though. From what I can tell, Kyubey also makes the offer when you're at your lowest or most desperate.

Wow. Throw him out a window.

[ SHE MEANS IT, ]

Is he, what, your representative talking mascot character? I'm so glad Fou can't talk...

Oh yeah, that's exactly what he is! He's small and white and fluffy and looks like a cat... bunny... thing.

[ Fou's distant cousin. ]

[ That is in fact exactly what she's thinking: that sounds like Fou?? ]

Is... is he really fluffy...? Does he sometimes say things like, "Die, Merlin!!"?

M-Merlin...?

[ ???? ]

He's kind of fluffier just in the tail, and the baby one we've been looking after doesn't actually talk, it just says things like "kyuuuuuu" and "mokyuuu!" Iroha-chan understands it somehow.

[ complete with higher pitch. ]

The bigger one has never told anyone to die. I think.

That's the kind of thing that Fou does... I wish I had my phone. My real phone.

[ She has SO many pictures of Fou on it, like any good pet owner, even if she's not his owner and Fou isn't really a pet. ]

He's more attached to my best friend, but he'll hang out with me sometimes, too.

I know what you mean... I keep thinking I should ask for mine and the charger from the box so I can show people things, but if it's not little things... [ like clothes and the balls ] ... there's something else I have to continuously ask for.

But maybe next time I can try! Fou sounds pretty cute, though!

I've mostly been asking for practical stuff. Like my uniforms and stuff.

[ She tugs briefly on her jacket; it's the arctic mystic code again today. ]

...and also balls for the pit. I'm thinking about putting something up on the bulletin board, after people have had some time to, you know.

Recover.

... Right. [ No wincing, no wincing. ]

People are resilient, at least... but it's been hard on a lot of people this time. In a lot of different ways.

They are.

[ She's smiling as she says it, though it's a little tired, mostly sad. ]

Even when things are really, really awful, people can still pick themselves up and keep moving on. Almost everyone I've seen has been choosing kindness.

...Except that one guy, but spiders basilisk is an outlier who doesn't count.

[ spiders basilisk... ]

Mm, I've noticed that too. We got a couple of visitors and I got the chance to visit some teams and... I think for the most part, like you said, we're all trying to move past it and show that we can't let ourselves lose to a task like that.

It doesn't feel like I'm doing enough, yet. But I kind of think maybe that's just how I am-- I won't feel like it's ever enough.

[ Spiders Basilisk is an outlier who should not be counted, Ritsuka says, on the vast authority of the fact that she likes two Basilisks a lot, personally, and has been given tacit permission to be a little shit to another one by his dad. ]

Maybe it won't. But it's still your life, you know? No matter how much the Warden is trying to play with life and death here... dying isn't something you can just take back.

So doing everything you can is good, but you've also gotta know when it's just--enough. Dwelling only seems to hurt people.

[ Ritsuka is valid, as Tsuruno would ride and die for Sprezzatura anytime.

And Tsuruno's shoulders slump a little now. ]

Yeah... I know. I don't think I know when it is enough, but it's not like I want to worry anyone, either. More than I already did.

People are always going to worry, if they care about you.

[ Spoken like someone who both worries a lot and has also caused a lot of worry, and is (mostly) unrepentant that she will do so again in the future.

By now the water is probably boiling, so she's tending to that to get the tea steeping. ]

I think it's one of those things you have to decide for yourself, but also something you can't determine alone? My best friend is usually the one who tells me if she sees me overdoing it, and I trust her to notice the things I won't. If there's one thing I've learned about people, we're really bad at knowing our own shortcomings.

[ Either you think you have none, or you think you have too many. Both bad! ]

Well, see, the thing is...

[ She starts. And then stops, brows furrowed. And then huffs a little, at herself. ]

Sorry. I came here to thank you for your help and check on you, not...

[ FLAPS A HAND. This apparently means "spill things about how much I suck about my shortcomings." ]

...

[ She pokes the middle of Tsuruno's forehead lightly. ]

That's what friends do. You tell me your grief, I'll tell you mine, and then we do our best to move on.

Ah--!

[ This did not hurt at all, but she still presses a palm to her forehead, dramatically. ]

It's, um. Kind of going to be a little vague. Is that okay?

It's fine, it's fine. Specifics can wait for after we level up.

[ She's serene about that, because she knows how this goes. She knows what it's like to throw yourself at a wall of vagueness until it breaks down. For now, she's just bringing their teacups over to the table. ]

[ Usually she breaks it down herself. How the turn tables. ]

... I lost a really good friend of mine. I still kind of feel like... it was avoidable. I just wasn't there when I should have been, and when I heard about it... the others said it wasn't my fault. That it was bad luck.

[ She pauses there, because that's still... so ironic to her. ]

And that even if I'd been there, it wouldn't have made a difference.

I kind of... I know they meant it to be kind, but it felt like they were saying I wasn't strong enough. So I decided then and there I'd be the Mightiest. At everything. Strong and capable and cheerful and never a burden.

... And I did it so well that everyone came to believe it. They thought I was always fine. That nothing was ever too much for me. That I was genuinely happy and always able to keep my chin up, no matter how many times I got knocked down. That I really was... the Mightiest.

[ She's nibbling on a cookie as she listens, head cocked, thoughtful. ]

It sounds like you already know what the problem is. As much as it's a problem.

[ It is one in Ritsuka's opinion, but also, she's never had a very positive view on Being The Strongest, and that's only been reinforced after the end of the first Lostbelt. Don't lose to a world that only knows how to be strong. ]

...I don't think there's anything wrong in wanting to be strong. Or even the strongest, or the mightiest, or whatever--the best at something. But it sounds like you're stuck in a bad cycle with that.

Kind of...

A lot happened after that, and I'm a little better at it now... or at least telling Saturn and Navi if I'm not fully okay.

But then things like this happen and I'm back at it again. I couldn't really... shake the thought that if only I-- and I shouldn't make people worry, so I...

[ She trails off, a little tiredly. ]

People will worry about you no matter what you do.

[ She says it bluntly, but not unkindly. ]

That's the thing. This isn't your home. You're not the mightiest here--but the point is that no one is. We're all stuck in this stupid reality marble because someone wants to do a bizarre take on the Milgram experiment.

And that's okay. I promise.

Saturn said the same thing. [ with a huff of a laugh. ]

I mean, I get it. I do understand it, it's just hard to shake that feeling off. Is it just something I have to keep reminding myself of until it sticks?

He's a smart guy. Don't tell him I said that.

...But yeah. It's the same way you learn anything, you know?

[ She gestures vaguely with her half-eaten cookie. ]

You taught yourself and your friends at home that you were the "mightiest" by trying to live that as hard as you could, right? Now you have to learn a different way of handling it, because most people here aren't gonna be fooled because all of our stress isn't focused on some big picture... it's about what one person is doing to the people we're living with. It's easier to take things at face value if you're trying to protect a city full of people you don't know than if someone you live with is having a bad time. No matter how good she is at pretending.

[ That said, she was 100% able to pass off her canon update as a nightmare, so you know, win some, lose some. ]

I'll tell him you said that if you don't tell him yourself.

[ With a brighter smile. Saturn is a good subject. ]

But yeah... well, I think as long as I make myself talk about it to someone, even if it's just... "no, not really okay, check again later"... maybe that's improvement.

[ Tsuruno heaves a sigh, but lets her shoulders relax. ]

-- But thanks. So before I ask about your grief, I kind of just brought over chocolate chip, but what's your actual favorite flavor?

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