[He's so nervous the instant he lets that slip. What if she didn't mean it that way! What if now she thinks he's a creep—dammit, he's had this paranoid conversation with himself like five times already tonight. Kadoc's brain would do anything to make him doubt anything good that seems to be happening to him, or convince him he's actively ruining it. He has to take a breath and let it out slowly, feeling the closeness of her against him and holding her there loosely in the circle of his arms.]
Yeah. Tonight, if you want. Any night you feel like it.
[ It's a bold thing to offer. She knows it is. There's a part of her that's amazed at her own audacity, but no part of her is anxious or worried about it. The offer came out so easily, and it feels comfortable despite the depths of possibility within it, and she feels no urge to take it back. There's no fear that he'll recoil, or that he'll run--maybe they're only just at the beginning of a Romantic Relationship, but they know each other by now, don't they? They've spent a year circling this. Maybe more, all things considered. As long as he wants to stay with her, she wants him by her side. ]
. . . Don't just offer that when you have a roommate.
[But it's not a real protest. He's smiling. It's nothing but the last recourse he has in anything to say that isn't embarrassingly eager agreement—though he will respect Mash's space, obviously.]
I bet Gareth wouldn't mind any time you wanted to come visit. As long as . . .
[It is definitely jumping way ahead of things here to say anything about them needing to be quiet. Gulp.]
[ It takes her a moment, but when she realizes, oh boy, does she realize. It's a bold step, and one that she's simultaneously terrified and excited for. Everything about their stumbling forward movement has been like that.
She bites her lip, glancing at him sidelong, and neither moves away or lets go of his hand. No matter how anxious she is, she knows she wants this. ]
No. Well, yes. Her saying that does get his imagination going in a way it shouldn't be right now, and he grabs that thought and balls it up in his fist and tosses it away so he can be halfway normal about spending an innocent evening with his brand new girlfriend. Shit, man, don't become That Guy!
Except she just might be That Girl, too. They might actually both be Those People. He peeks over at her like he's peering off the edge of the bed for a monster in the dark, except he wouldn't blush at one of those.]
[ There is a part of her that wants to snap back, why are you thinking about tea at a time like this?! but it's only a small part. She knows why. It's not like she wouldn't have made the same deflection, if it had occurred to her first. But since he made the first volley, she can be the one mildly (very mildly) offended that he'd try to derail what seems like a very obvious trajectory. They don't have to do anything major, and she's not even sure she wants to, just--!
Just. She meets his eyes, wide-eyed and flustered, unable to deny her own reaction. Ahhh?! Ahhhh?! ]
W-we can--we don't have to stand for it, we can--you know we just--sit! We can sit. I have a nice couch.
[It sounds like a great place to . . . drink. Tea. To relax together, in a place where they can sit as close as they want, comfortably, and . . . yeah. Damn, she's as nervous as he is. And could it be that it's for the same reason? Because she's interested and has no fucking idea what to do with that? They're both stumbling through this together, right? The last thing he wants to do is overcorrect and upset her that way, either.
He lifts a hand to just barely come to rest on her forearm. They can sit on the couch.]
[ A startled squeak tears from her at the contact. It is high, tiny, incredibly embarrassing, and completely involuntary, which just feeds back into the embarrassment. Amazing, how a single touch like that can still throw her off balance.
But after a second to gather herself, and try to find that same stupid courage that has carried her through everything so far, she moves her arm away from his hand so she can just grab it in her own. Ha! Take that! ]
[They're holding hands for this very short walk, which is also going to involve carrying cups full of very hot tea, and it's stupid as hell. This is very dumb on their parts! Real teenager shit! But Kadoc, thinking all of that to himself, doesn't pull his hand away from her, and he's pretty sure nothing could make him. Maybe if he really did spill hot water on himself, but maybe not even then.]
. . . Sorry. I'm not trying to be weird about this.
[ Normal Real Teenager Shit For Real Normal Teenagers. It doesn't matter that it only takes maybe twenty steps to get from her kitchen to the couch, Ritsuka isn't going to be the one to let go first, even if it takes some awkward shuffling for them to both sit without spilling.
And then she does let go of his hand, but only so she can scoot carefully closer, until their sides are pressed together without her actively leaning against him. ]
I think... I think we've both kind of passed "weird" a while ago. I won't tell if you don't.
[That does make him feel better, actually. Just getting it out of the way out loud that they're both awkward weirdos here acting super dumb about this! It isn't easy to acknowledge, but once acknowledged, it does get easier to deal with. Kadoc settles, his weight shifting just a little against her side.]
It's not like I care about being a normie, just that I'm not turning you off.
[ She mumbles that, low and garbled, trying to keep the words as blurry as possible by saying it into her tea. Her lip catches the edge of her cup, but she doesn't actually have a lot of hope that he'll mistake her. And maybe, on some level, that is what she wants. She wants him to know. Whether or not it goes anywhere, even if she's not bold enough to just lob it into the open... she wants it out there. She's not turned off...,
Her body tips closer to his, and she very daringly does let her head brush against his shoulder. ]
[But that's not all she's implying. He heard that first part, too. If he lets himself really think about it too hard, he's going to . . . he could easily go too far, even just in his imagination . . . he shouldn't get carried away. But there's a warmth in his belly that settles into him from the inside, not from the swallow of tea he takes as he leans tentatively back against her and lets his face tip down to rest his cheek on the top of her head.
It's, wow. He can smell her hair like this, which it turns out is—a lot, in a way Kadoc didn't expect it to be.]
[ A helpless little laugh bubbles out of her at that, something giddy and bright. It'd be embarrassing if it didn't feel so good. But they're cuddling now, they're dating, and she is allowed. ]
Yeah, fair. I just feel like--I keep thinking, maybe if I say it again, I'll get the words right. Silly, huh? I've never been good at words.
[ She's an action girl. And right now, the action seems to be to turn her head just enough to press her face into his neck, letting her next huff of not-quite-laughter get muffled there. ]
It's . . . you don't have to be. I know what you mean. I feel the same way.
[All of that comes out a little rushed and breathless, though, because ahhh. That puff of air against his neck, subtle and accidental as it was, is enough sensation on a sensitive spot while he's already wound up by all this to get under his skin. He can feel his neck flushing where her face is, and up and down, his face and chest all hot underneath the skin . . . she's so close to him right now.]
[ She's close, and she thinks that she'd like to stay this close, if not closer, for a nice long time. Right now, she's focused on the simple soft pleasure of gentle physical contact. Just this alone feels good. ]
Yeah? I'm not surprised. I feel like if anyone would get it, it'd be you.
[ He knows her. She knows him. That's all she could ask for, right now. ]
How long have you thought that. I mean . . . in general. Sorry. I'm just curious if you really . . .
[Now he's the one who's not good at words. But his skill with them has always been highly situational, anyway. This situation is new, and he can't be expected to be eloquent; just explaining himself at all is hard enough. But it feels a little easier with her this close to him.]
How you felt about me when we first met. Honestly. I'm not gonna be upset by any of it.
[ She's quiet, only gently curious, keeping her head tilted up towards him. If anything, she cuddles a fraction closer, to press warmly together for comfort. ]
I think... um. Let's go back, okay? I think I was always a little curious, in the back of my head. About you guys. But there was so much going on during that first year. I couldn't even think that much about my family... but sometimes I'd think, I wish someone else was here to help.
[ Her voice stays low, quiet, maybe just a little guilty. It's not even that she really wishes anyone else would have to suffer what she went through--but there had still been times where she'd thought: I wish I wasn't the only one. I wish it wasn't all on me. I wish there was someone else to help. ]
But--before everything went wrong, when I thought I was just going to be leaving and you guys would take over... I really hoped I'd get to talk to you before I had to go.
[The guilt is a current in him right now—strong, burbling, threatening to pull him under. But it isn't a wave. Kadoc can hold it off. And more than that, he wants to; there's always something selfishly indulgent to giving himself over to self-loathing, he knows. That's why he does it so often. But a conversation like this is worth kicking those feelings away from himself, not even just burying them to linger on later. . . . He can feel how hard it must be for her to have this conversation. She's guilty, too. She shouldn't be, but shit, who wouldn't be fucked up about everything after what she's been through?
Kadoc's arm tightens around her. The word sorry is on his tongue for the billionth time, but he swallows it down. It's so trite. It's not really what he wants to say.]
. . . It couldn't have ever been that way. Thinking about it, we were always gonna be apart for one reason or the other. Couldn't exactly sit down and have a chat with you after taking the Alien God's deal, but if I hadn't taken the deal, I'd be too dead to do anything else anyway. . . . When I think about that, it's not that all this here on this planet feels like a miracle. It's more that it actually is one.
[ She curls closer to him, instinctive, leaning into the curve of his body. There's something soothing about the strength of his grip, like they're figuring out how to properly fit together, and isn't that something? They're separate people, but together, they're a little less alone.
Her own hand hooks in his shirt, gripping back. ]
I guess--they said they had you guys in some kind of coma state. I think everyone believed you guys were still alive, just hurt. The plan was always to revive you somehow. I just didn't know how.
[ She dips her head a little, then tilts it so she can peer up at him through her bangs. The ghost of a smile tugs at her lips. ]
It would've been better if we could've helped you, but I'm not going to regret I've had the chance to meet you now.
. . . I can't either. I mean, I'm the kinda guy who always regrets everything. You know that about me . . . you've been there.
[She'd been there. For his final moments with Anastasia, and everything that came before them . . . she knows him. Regretting things always feels like such a cop-out. For so long, he hadn't wanted to admit to her that he regretted anything about what happened to Chaldea, because . . . isn't saying something like that meaningless? Isn't it just cold comfort? I ruined your life, but I feel bad about it, just so you know?
But she already does know. Kadoc leans into her comfortably, head resting against hers. It feels good like this. The feeling of being alone in the world feels distant to him now, maybe for the first time ever.]
But I can't make myself regret right now, with you. . . . What a twisted world.
[ She can't say, herself, just what that hum of assent is for. Agreeing about being there? That the world is twisted? That she doesn't regret? Maybe all of them, or maybe just the sentiment underneath it all, that this closeness is something she's been seeking for years, and she's happy to have it now.
For a long, quiet minute, she just stays leaning against him, basking. And then she pulls away--just far and long enough to set her mug down, and once her hands are free, she turns more fully into him, wrapping both arms around him. The gesture is tentative, still not entirely sure of her welcome... but still more confident than before. They've spent a year learning each other; it's time to see how well she's learned. ]
[Kadoc thinks more than ever these days about how his learned dislike of touch has made him starved for it over the years. There's never been a good place or time to indulge in it. With his team? Like he trusted any of them with it, Pepe aside, and even that was a grudging tolerance. But he'd wanted it, on some level. And now—with everything this place is, good and bad, it's also finally the place and time. He's allowed to slowly lift his arms and wrap them around her in turn, and just revel. Human touch is a weapon, and a balm. It's a marvel how bodies fit together. It's poetic how its simplicity makes him feel. He rests his nose fully in her hair, hands spread on her back, heavy and still.]
[ A pleased little noise escapes her, just barely above a sigh. Touch has been such a mixed bag for her, as well: there are too many Servants in Chaldea for only one approach. Some are utterly casual in how they approach her, a slap to the back, an arm over her shoulders, hands lifting her out of danger. Some are standoffish and brittle, skirting her physically without ever making contact.
But there's never been anything like this, this kind of one-on-one contact that is simple, and quiet, and warm. She sighs, melting into the embrace. It doesn't actually take her burdens away, or change the realities of their situation, here or at home... but she feels like she could take real strength from this regardless. ]
[For what? He opens his mouth to ask, but then he hesitates. It feels like an anxious reaction, constantly asking her for clarification, validation—Can you please explain again the exact thing I did that you're thanking me for, so I can do it again? He knows himself. And, somehow, miraculously, he knows her now too, and maybe having to put her feelings into words isn't what Ritsuka needs at this moment.
So he stops, and he smiles instead, forcing the question from his mind as best he can in favor of something that matters more:]
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fujimaru
no subject
Date: 2024-01-24 07:16 am (UTC)[He's so nervous the instant he lets that slip. What if she didn't mean it that way! What if now she thinks he's a creep—dammit, he's had this paranoid conversation with himself like five times already tonight. Kadoc's brain would do anything to make him doubt anything good that seems to be happening to him, or convince him he's actively ruining it. He has to take a breath and let it out slowly, feeling the closeness of her against him and holding her there loosely in the circle of his arms.]
no subject
Date: 2024-01-24 07:36 am (UTC)[ It's a bold thing to offer. She knows it is. There's a part of her that's amazed at her own audacity, but no part of her is anxious or worried about it. The offer came out so easily, and it feels comfortable despite the depths of possibility within it, and she feels no urge to take it back. There's no fear that he'll recoil, or that he'll run--maybe they're only just at the beginning of a Romantic Relationship, but they know each other by now, don't they? They've spent a year circling this. Maybe more, all things considered. As long as he wants to stay with her, she wants him by her side. ]
I'd be really happy to have you.
no subject
Date: 2024-02-04 05:22 am (UTC)[But it's not a real protest. He's smiling. It's nothing but the last recourse he has in anything to say that isn't embarrassingly eager agreement—though he will respect Mash's space, obviously.]
I bet Gareth wouldn't mind any time you wanted to come visit. As long as . . .
[It is definitely jumping way ahead of things here to say anything about them needing to be quiet. Gulp.]
You know.
no subject
Date: 2024-02-04 06:14 am (UTC)[ It takes her a moment, but when she realizes, oh boy, does she realize. It's a bold step, and one that she's simultaneously terrified and excited for. Everything about their stumbling forward movement has been like that.
She bites her lip, glancing at him sidelong, and neither moves away or lets go of his hand. No matter how anxious she is, she knows she wants this. ]
I can be discreet. Um. Yeah.
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Date: 2024-02-05 06:21 am (UTC)[Because damn is he suddenly thirsty,
No. Well, yes. Her saying that does get his imagination going in a way it shouldn't be right now, and he grabs that thought and balls it up in his fist and tosses it away so he can be halfway normal about spending an innocent evening with his brand new girlfriend. Shit, man, don't become That Guy!
Except she just might be That Girl, too. They might actually both be Those People. He peeks over at her like he's peering off the edge of the bed for a monster in the dark, except he wouldn't blush at one of those.]
no subject
Date: 2024-02-05 07:01 am (UTC)[ There is a part of her that wants to snap back, why are you thinking about tea at a time like this?! but it's only a small part. She knows why. It's not like she wouldn't have made the same deflection, if it had occurred to her first. But since he made the first volley, she can be the one mildly (very mildly) offended that he'd try to derail what seems like a very obvious trajectory. They don't have to do anything major, and she's not even sure she wants to, just--!
Just. She meets his eyes, wide-eyed and flustered, unable to deny her own reaction. Ahhh?! Ahhhh?! ]
W-we can--we don't have to stand for it, we can--you know we just--sit! We can sit. I have a nice couch.
no subject
Date: 2024-02-06 06:32 am (UTC)[It sounds like a great place to . . . drink. Tea. To relax together, in a place where they can sit as close as they want, comfortably, and . . . yeah. Damn, she's as nervous as he is. And could it be that it's for the same reason? Because she's interested and has no fucking idea what to do with that? They're both stumbling through this together, right? The last thing he wants to do is overcorrect and upset her that way, either.
He lifts a hand to just barely come to rest on her forearm. They can sit on the couch.]
no subject
Date: 2024-02-06 07:20 am (UTC)But after a second to gather herself, and try to find that same stupid courage that has carried her through everything so far, she moves her arm away from his hand so she can just grab it in her own. Ha! Take that! ]
Th--this way. C'mon.
no subject
Date: 2024-02-13 07:11 am (UTC)[They're holding hands for this very short walk, which is also going to involve carrying cups full of very hot tea, and it's stupid as hell. This is very dumb on their parts! Real teenager shit! But Kadoc, thinking all of that to himself, doesn't pull his hand away from her, and he's pretty sure nothing could make him. Maybe if he really did spill hot water on himself, but maybe not even then.]
. . . Sorry. I'm not trying to be weird about this.
no subject
Date: 2024-02-14 05:08 am (UTC)And then she does let go of his hand, but only so she can scoot carefully closer, until their sides are pressed together without her actively leaning against him. ]
I think... I think we've both kind of passed "weird" a while ago. I won't tell if you don't.
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Date: 2024-02-22 07:35 am (UTC)[That does make him feel better, actually. Just getting it out of the way out loud that they're both awkward weirdos here acting super dumb about this! It isn't easy to acknowledge, but once acknowledged, it does get easier to deal with. Kadoc settles, his weight shifting just a little against her side.]
It's not like I care about being a normie, just that I'm not turning you off.
no subject
Date: 2024-02-23 02:25 am (UTC)[ She mumbles that, low and garbled, trying to keep the words as blurry as possible by saying it into her tea. Her lip catches the edge of her cup, but she doesn't actually have a lot of hope that he'll mistake her. And maybe, on some level, that is what she wants. She wants him to know. Whether or not it goes anywhere, even if she's not bold enough to just lob it into the open... she wants it out there. She's not turned off...,
Her body tips closer to his, and she very daringly does let her head brush against his shoulder. ]
I... I really do like you. For real-real.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-03 07:13 am (UTC)[But that's not all she's implying. He heard that first part, too. If he lets himself really think about it too hard, he's going to . . . he could easily go too far, even just in his imagination . . . he shouldn't get carried away. But there's a warmth in his belly that settles into him from the inside, not from the swallow of tea he takes as he leans tentatively back against her and lets his face tip down to rest his cheek on the top of her head.
It's, wow. He can smell her hair like this, which it turns out is—a lot, in a way Kadoc didn't expect it to be.]
no subject
Date: 2024-03-03 07:32 pm (UTC)Yeah, fair. I just feel like--I keep thinking, maybe if I say it again, I'll get the words right. Silly, huh? I've never been good at words.
[ She's an action girl. And right now, the action seems to be to turn her head just enough to press her face into his neck, letting her next huff of not-quite-laughter get muffled there. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-03-08 07:01 am (UTC)[All of that comes out a little rushed and breathless, though, because ahhh. That puff of air against his neck, subtle and accidental as it was, is enough sensation on a sensitive spot while he's already wound up by all this to get under his skin. He can feel his neck flushing where her face is, and up and down, his face and chest all hot underneath the skin . . . she's so close to him right now.]
no subject
Date: 2024-03-09 05:03 am (UTC)Yeah? I'm not surprised. I feel like if anyone would get it, it'd be you.
[ He knows her. She knows him. That's all she could ask for, right now. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-03-17 05:07 am (UTC)[Now he's the one who's not good at words. But his skill with them has always been highly situational, anyway. This situation is new, and he can't be expected to be eloquent; just explaining himself at all is hard enough. But it feels a little easier with her this close to him.]
How you felt about me when we first met. Honestly. I'm not gonna be upset by any of it.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-18 05:24 pm (UTC)[ She's quiet, only gently curious, keeping her head tilted up towards him. If anything, she cuddles a fraction closer, to press warmly together for comfort. ]
I think... um. Let's go back, okay? I think I was always a little curious, in the back of my head. About you guys. But there was so much going on during that first year. I couldn't even think that much about my family... but sometimes I'd think, I wish someone else was here to help.
[ Her voice stays low, quiet, maybe just a little guilty. It's not even that she really wishes anyone else would have to suffer what she went through--but there had still been times where she'd thought: I wish I wasn't the only one. I wish it wasn't all on me. I wish there was someone else to help. ]
But--before everything went wrong, when I thought I was just going to be leaving and you guys would take over... I really hoped I'd get to talk to you before I had to go.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-27 05:24 am (UTC)Kadoc's arm tightens around her. The word sorry is on his tongue for the billionth time, but he swallows it down. It's so trite. It's not really what he wants to say.]
. . . It couldn't have ever been that way. Thinking about it, we were always gonna be apart for one reason or the other. Couldn't exactly sit down and have a chat with you after taking the Alien God's deal, but if I hadn't taken the deal, I'd be too dead to do anything else anyway. . . . When I think about that, it's not that all this here on this planet feels like a miracle. It's more that it actually is one.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-28 12:07 am (UTC)[ She curls closer to him, instinctive, leaning into the curve of his body. There's something soothing about the strength of his grip, like they're figuring out how to properly fit together, and isn't that something? They're separate people, but together, they're a little less alone.
Her own hand hooks in his shirt, gripping back. ]
I guess--they said they had you guys in some kind of coma state. I think everyone believed you guys were still alive, just hurt. The plan was always to revive you somehow. I just didn't know how.
[ She dips her head a little, then tilts it so she can peer up at him through her bangs. The ghost of a smile tugs at her lips. ]
It would've been better if we could've helped you, but I'm not going to regret I've had the chance to meet you now.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-08 06:42 am (UTC)[She'd been there. For his final moments with Anastasia, and everything that came before them . . . she knows him. Regretting things always feels like such a cop-out. For so long, he hadn't wanted to admit to her that he regretted anything about what happened to Chaldea, because . . . isn't saying something like that meaningless? Isn't it just cold comfort? I ruined your life, but I feel bad about it, just so you know?
But she already does know. Kadoc leans into her comfortably, head resting against hers. It feels good like this. The feeling of being alone in the world feels distant to him now, maybe for the first time ever.]
But I can't make myself regret right now, with you. . . . What a twisted world.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-13 06:30 pm (UTC)[ She can't say, herself, just what that hum of assent is for. Agreeing about being there? That the world is twisted? That she doesn't regret? Maybe all of them, or maybe just the sentiment underneath it all, that this closeness is something she's been seeking for years, and she's happy to have it now.
For a long, quiet minute, she just stays leaning against him, basking. And then she pulls away--just far and long enough to set her mug down, and once her hands are free, she turns more fully into him, wrapping both arms around him. The gesture is tentative, still not entirely sure of her welcome... but still more confident than before. They've spent a year learning each other; it's time to see how well she's learned. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-04-15 04:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-15 06:33 am (UTC)But there's never been anything like this, this kind of one-on-one contact that is simple, and quiet, and warm. She sighs, melting into the embrace. It doesn't actually take her burdens away, or change the realities of their situation, here or at home... but she feels like she could take real strength from this regardless. ]
Hey, Kadoc... thanks.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-25 05:21 am (UTC)So he stops, and he smiles instead, forcing the question from his mind as best he can in favor of something that matters more:]
. . . Yeah. Thanks. Ritsuka . . . for everything.
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