[ Because that's not weird at all or anything. She does contemplate making a joke of it, or otherwise ragging him, but in the end, she just responds: ]
[IT'S SUPER NORMAL RITSUKA!!! Anyway, when she arrives he's sitting there with his nose in his book from earlier, but sitting next to him on the fountain's edge is . . . a bubble tea slushie in a domed cup with boba and a fat straw.
Didn't I tell you I was working on your return gift after those chocolates?
[He sets the book aside and picks up the cup to hold it out to her, his lips quirking just a little. It does look like a tea slushy with boba; it's a nice purple pink berry color. The cup kinda looks like this.]
[ She has, but also, what the heckie. In spite of that, though, she does not hesitate to take it. Ritsuka has learned nothing about being afraid of what she might put in her mouth, apparently. ]
--I didn't know Magolor even made these? He keeps talking about how he's not the best cook.
If he hears you saying that, he'll definitely be annoyed.
[ She tries to be stern about it, but there's a little smile threatening at the corners of her mouth as she sits next to him and takes a careful sip. ]
Is this seriously a White Day sort of gift? I didn't think you were actually gonna do that.
[THE BUBBLE TEA SLUSHIE IS IN FACT GOOD. Kadoc was bullshitting about the food vs drinks thing but he was also correct, in that Magolor is more skilled at making drinks because it's more similar to making potions. And also, this one is in fact a potion, shhhh. It just tastes like a nice fruity mixed berry slushie; the boba is plentiful and chewy. Hooray! He watches to see if she likes it, and is going to continue to drink it . . .
And he shrugs.]
I knew you didn't think I was gonna. Maybe that's why I decided to. You went to a lot of effort just for obligation chocolate for some guy who tried to kill you . . . I guess I didn't wanna live down to your expectations after that.
[ She likes it! She makes a pleased little noise at the taste, kicking her feet in a small reactive gesture. It doesn't taste like medicine, so of course she has no idea that it is anything but a tasty drink.
At his words, she huffs, a small, fondly exasperated sound. ]
I didn't do it because I expected anything from anyone. --Not that I don't appreciate! I do. Thanks.
[Ah, good . . . cute . . . he'd needed her to like it, of course. She needs to drink it! Even a little will do the trick, but more is better! But it's only now, watching her sip it and react, that Kadoc realizes that he also did want her to enjoy it, and that it feels good that she is.]
I know you didn't, but you got something anyway. That's how the tradition goes anyway where you come from, right? . . . Is it good?
[ He wasn't wrong that she's missed this kind of thing--bubble tea in general, even if this isn't her usual flavor of choice, and the socializing that she's always associated with it. ]
[He blushes a little. God. The truth is that he can't even handle her being bubble tea levels of grateful to him for doing something for her; why the hell would Douxie ever think he could handle the conversation that would go along with "by the way that just cured your slow-acting but fatal poison"?
(She will not notice anything dramatic or magical, just that she's no longer having bad days, and if she hasn't been having good days recently, suddenly she will be. From now on.)]
I—didn't really know what the hell to do, but I heard that guy was in the gift business, so I went to him for ideas. It turns out he's a friend of yours, like almost everyone else I meet in this place, and he said you'd mentioned missing bubble tea.
He's in a lot of businesses! But you could've done a lot worse than ask him for advice.
[ She bumps her arm against his, a small companionable gesture. Right now, the poison issue isn't on her mind at all; she's just pleased that it feels like their relationship has progressed to a comfortable level of equilibrium. Does this count as level two? It might. Nothing of his behavior is suspicious, not now that she knows him a little better; he really is kind of a shy guy, isn't he? ]
[YEAH BOND LEVEL 2, RITSUKA, SURELY THAT'S WHERE THIS IS AT,
He lets that happen, taking a breath and relaxing. Of course he's nervous. It's natural for him to be nervous! This is the culmination of a lot of hard work and suffering. And he's not really going to know for sure how things work out until they do, though Magolor had run tests on the materials and come to the conclusion that they were effective; theory and practice are different! So he's anxious. But some of that is just not being used to this yet socially, either. He is, indeed, a shy guy.]
. . . His branding could use a little work, if you ask me. Just so you know, I didn't know the cup was gonna look like that until he handed it to me.
He must have humans pegged at this point. I mean, imagine if the tables were turned, and you ended up on an alien planet populated by a totally new species that just happened to find humans adorable. Like some visual neoteny shit, where we look like exaggerated versions of their young, so they can't help but react to us like we're the cutest things they've ever seen. Would you brand yourself? It takes a certain mindset to be that shameless.
[At least his nerves are leaving him, the more she drinks and the more they just have a normal conversation, sitting together outside, just hanging out. Definitely a normal conversation,]
[ BB... would be genuinely terrifying in a situation like that, wouldn't she... the very thought makes her snort. Considering their canon, this is probably a reasonable conversation for them to have, ]
But if you're cute and you know people think so, and you don't mind leaning into it, I don't think there's anything wrong about that.
I wouldn't say it's wrong so much as telling. But you're talking to a guy who's never been considered cute in his life, so I'm not the authority here. Even an alien race would know better, looking at me.
[ She blinks slowly at the comment. It's one of those things where--she knows about his utter lack of self-esteem (it'd take someone completely blind to miss it, and Ritsuka can be oblivious, but that's a whole different level), but it still surprises her, the tiniest bit, when he comes out with that. Huh. ]
I dunno. I think you could be cute if you took better care of yourself.
...That wasn't supposed to be fishing for compliments, sorry. Don't feel like you've gotta be nice about it. Anyway, I don't actually care. It is what it is. My looks have never really had an impact on my life anyway.
[He's self-conscious sometimes, sure, more than he'd like to admit to considering what he just said. But it's not really a lie either. What would being hot have changed about anything in his life?]
[ She's maybe about halfway done with her drink at this point, but she pauses on it, leaning a little more into his space to peer up at his face. The light isn't the best anymore, but she knows what he looks like at this point. ]
Trust me, I've spent the past three and a half years surrounded by really attractive people. I know it when I see it.
How are you an expert on this? Now I'm gonna feel weird about it. Like if I put some effort in, you'll think I'm trying to seduce you away from Kurusu. I'm not!
[ Not like that!! It's one thing for them to be friends, but he definitely hadn't liked kissing her, and in her own memory, it feels like he'd disliked it more than just the bad timing of their circumstances might allow for. ]
But I told you, I've known plenty of people who turned out to be really hot once they actually tried. That's not even my point, though--you should take better care of yourself either way. Anything else will just be a bonus.
For who . . . nevermind. It doesn't really matter, like I said. I'm not out looking for anyone.
[I know you're not interested feels weird. Why? Maybe because it puts the decision there on him, when she's the one dating someone, and has never expressed any interest in Kadoc, and never would, right? That'd be insane. She has a boyfriend. A hot boyfriend, even Kadoc has to admit. They fuck! They're all lovey-dovey and it's obnoxious but also kinda cute! So it's weird that the first thing she'd come out with is that Kadoc isn't interested, right?
Even though he's not, of course. More to the point, he can't let himself dwell on whether he ever could be, for those reasons. What if he decided he was? That could only ever be masochism.]
[ But what? This is the sort of thing that Ritsuka understands more on an instinctive level than an intellectual one; she knows how it feels to her, but she's not entirely confident in her ability to put it into words. ]
Sometimes it's just... nice, to feel like you look good. It's not like you've gotta be drop-dead gorgeous or anything, but just--feeling good about yourself. Maybe it's not much, but it's something.
[ Not that Ritsuka usually feels beautiful or anything like that--but she is confident that she can clean up cute, and Akira has always been very kind about her insecurities there. ]
[You always look good, though, is his first thought, because well. She does! He's not blind. She's pretty and that's not really dependent on her looking her best . . . he can't say that, though. It really does get into weird territory.]
. . . Can't relate. Not that I'm trying to brush you off. I believe you, I just can't imagine it. But sure, maybe someday.
If anyone else said that to me I'd think they were negging me. . . . Just drink your tea.
[He can at least encourage her in a way that sounds normal-complainy about things because he's This Way. It's not suspicious!]
If we get into it about why the hell you think I'm working with a better canvas than you are here, you'll go on forever, and I still won't be convinced.
Sleep more, eat more than one meal a day, maybe sit outside more if you're gonna read.
[ That's easy! She takes another absentminded sip of her drink, leaning away again so she can look him over more critically. ]
You've actually got really nice features? You could definitely rock the whole "delicate young master" look if you wanted, but right now, you kind of look like you need a sandwich or ten first.
You know, that sort of--kind of thin features, on the pale side, has better lashes than most women? Play some more dating games, you'll see what I mean.
[Why is he surprised . . . it's such a normal girl thing to do, and she's such a normal girl! But still he didn't expect it. And he's still embarrassed, leaning away and blushing.]
Yeah? I wasn't a connoisseur or anything, but I played some. They were fun.
[ They were the closest she got to actual dates while in school, mostly because she was exactly that sort of easygoing unfocused teen, even when it came to connecting with others back then. ]
Most of them were kind of trashy, but some of them were actually good.
You know those characters are totally idealized, obviously. Physically, and in every other way. A drawing can look hot even if he's pale and scrawny, but once you get into reality, all that doesn't mean shit.
[Did she go for the pale scrawny ones in games . . . who did she go for . . . not that it has anything to do with reality, at all! It doesn't! That's the point of those games.]
[ She went for harem ends whenever possible, because of course she did. ]
I know that. They do that in romance stories all the time? The heroine always talks about how she's plain and stuff, but then all these cool dashing guys think she's super hot. Isn't that the point, pretending you could be someone like that?
[ Her legs swing again, idle. The drink is almost gone by now. ]
My point, though, is that you could be like that for real if you took care of the whole scrawny thing.
I'm not even talking about if you're looking for someone! You should do it for your own health! And you might feel better about yourself if you did?!
[ She's not a romance protagonist, okay, she's no Emiya Shirou with multiple dating routes. There is ONE person who thinks she's hot and has said so to her face without dancing around the issue or leaving it to innuendo and implication, and so there is ONE person that Ritsuka (mostly) accepts that from.
But she does poof up a little, the drink forgotten again. At least it's mostly gone by now. ]
I just want you to take care of yourself, so you can feel better about yourself?!
. . . Look, I get it, but I'd rather it be something I care about. Dammit, it's not like you're not right about the principle, though.
[He looks at her, in the dim twilight, drinking that drink . . . he feels good about that, yeah. But Douxie was right about him withholding something of this from himself and Ritsuka both by being this way about it, all evasive and dodgy. He could tell her now, but he can't bring himself to. What if it doesn't work? What if he says it and then tomorrow it's obvious it was a failure? He can't.]
[ She softens a little with the admission. There's something oddly comforting about talking to someone who is self-aware in a lot of the same ways she is: usually aware of a problem, willing to admit it, but also... stubborn sometimes to one's own detriment. In light of that, she can't even be annoyed anymore. ]
And sometimes, even if you don't care about it that much, it's still nice. Like the looks thing--I don't really care, either, but I still like feeling like I look good for once.
—Okay, but you know you're doing that exact same "romance heroine" thing you were talking about, right? You seriously have to know. You've got the genre awareness! Now apply it to yourself already.
[SHE'S DOING IT! SHE THINKS SHE'S NOT HOT! God! How can she be so dumb about some things!]
[ That just gets a slow blink, because she clearly does not get it. ]
I'm not a romance heroine, though? I'm more like an action protagonist or something. I hate the fact that I have to acknowledge being a protagonist at all?
"She always talks about how plain she is" . . . come on. It's almost worse because I know you're not actually trying to get me to admit you're hot. If you were, I could ignore it as a really pathetic effort on your part. But it's not even that! You legitimately don't think you're a conventionally attractive woman. Guys like me look at girls like you and know we'll never have you. Some guys are total assholes about it, so I guess I'm glad you've obviously never run into that before, at least.
It's definitely obvious the moment she actually processes it; her face goes red, and she makes a little sputtering sound, clearly confused. ]
I, wh, that's--I-I'm not saying I can't be cute! I can, when I try! But that's the point--sometimes I do try, because I want to feel like that! And it's nice!
[It's easier to latch onto that than respond to anything else about this—the fact that he's embarrassed that he went and said that much and she apparently didn't even need to hear it or care or mean that, while at the same time, she seems to not understand somehow that she doesn't need to try to be cute?! But he can't say that! That's going too far! He can't just shower her with embarrassing praise, the amount he already gave was bad enough!]
[ He has to know, right? He can't actually not understand, when he'd been talking like he had just a moment ago, right?! Ahhhhhhh!! Even if she can't see her own face, she can take a guess, with how hot it feels right now. ]
[ That's going to be one of those things that she'll realize later, when she replays this conversation in her head in bewilderment, only it'll be too late to call him out on that. And by that point, she might be able to convince herself she's imagined it. ]
For one, I'm not a romance heroine! I don't have a bunch of people vying for my attention or anything like that. Not like that.
[ What he doesn't know about the weird relationship dynamics in Chaldea won't hurt her. ]
I'm just... me. Akira-kun's the first guy who took interest.
That isn't really the point I was trying to make anyway.
[Though he does have his suspicions about Chaldea and all. If nothing else, it's incredibly obvious Mash is in love with her. But he'll keep that to himself. And beyond that, who knows? He's seen how people react to her. It's not unheard of for it to be romantic, even if no one actually came out and said anything. In fact—]
Take it from a guy who never said shit to the girl he liked . . . you not knowing doesn't mean it's never happened. You can't convince me otherwise when I've lived it myself. I play plenty of cards right up against my chest, and I'm not the only one like that. But it seriously doesn't matter. I'm not gonna convince you, and you're not gonna convince me. I'm just pointing out the similarities in what you said about yourself and what you said about the games you play.
[ Well now it's sad. She hadn't been lying, when she'd said she'd noticed the tenor of the closeness between Kadoc and Anastasia. And even if she understands that there will always be something transient in a relationship with a Servant, it's still sad. It's still a thing she helped end, and even if she doesn't regret the necessity of it, she can regret that it left things unresolved for him. Oof.
She hunches her shoulders up a little, drumming her fingers on the cup. ]
...If it happened, the fact is still--I can only act on the stuff I know about, right? Even if it was just to turn someone down. I can't even think about what I'd do one way or another if no one tells me anything.
[ There's an argument to be made for a bigger picture, how much responsibility she does and doesn't have to know about how mage society works in conjunction with her work as Chaldea's Master, but for this? For relationships with others? She'll definitely argue her point there. ]
...That wasn't what I was talking about either. But for the record? You're right about that. I'd never argue that one with you. Not telling people things is straight up a power play. It's a way to protect your feelings above theirs and reserve any upper hand you can, as a last resort. I'd know all about it. I love keeping pertinent information to myself...it's never been anything but weakness.
[Okay so maybe this got that into the weeds because it's directly relevant to their current situation, which she doesn't know about, because he's not telling her, which is the source of this conversation, and
Ha ha. He rests his chin on his knee.]
Whatever. You don't need to listen to all my bullshit. All I'm trying to say is that you're right, and also that it doesn't reflect on you at all. Other people holding back is all about them. It's a selfish act.
[ She has to resist the urge to mirror his posture. What good would it do either of them? Not much, and she's self-conscious that it might seem like mocking. ]
I'm listening because I think you've got good points. You don't have to defend everything you say, you know?
[ After saying that, though, she sighs, scrubbing a hand through her hair briefly. She still hasn't found a replacement scrunchie, so it's just a bit of a mess around her face. ]
But it's just... hard to know what other people think about you if they don't say anything, you know? You can guess, sure, but... when it comes to something like this, I don't feel good about guessing. I'd rather assume no interest unless told otherwise.
And I guess that counts for what people think about how I look, too. It's been like... Akira-kun, or a guy who treats me like his little sister. People who think I'm just, I don't know, small and cute. That's not really the same as being attractive, you know?
I wasn't defending anything. . . . Unless saying that just now counts as defending me not defending anything. This really is a stupid conversation.
[He lets out a raw little laugh, watching her through his bangs, hanging into his face where his cheek rests on his propped up knee.]
Sorry. This is the last kinda thing I know how to handle. It's not like I think you're doing the wrong thing, either. Taking things at face value is exactly what you should be doing. You might be wrong about things sometimes, but it's entirely on the other person, not on you. Evasive assholes like me never learn if we just get away with it. And reading too much into what everyone says is how you end up paranoid.
. . . At the same time, it's just reality that no one says everything they think, whether it's about a girl's looks or anything else. So it is what it is.
Obviously your conventionally hot boyfriend thinks you're not giving yourself enough credit.
[ She huffs something that isn't exactly a laugh, herself, putting her (now empty!) cup aside. ]
Akira-kun gives me a lot of credit. Even when I don't really get why.
But... he does, and that means a lot to me. I think, maybe, he's the first person who's really done that for me, not--you know. "The Master of Chaldea" or anything like that.
[ That's what complicates things with people in Chaldea. Even with Mash, there's that mental block she's put up, because look. Ritsuka knows herself. She knows the sort of person she was before Chaldea, and she doesn't think anyone was wrong to not take interest in her before. She hadn't been an interesting person! She's grown a lot! But a lot of that growth is tangled up in this strange position of in-between authority, where it's hard to relax into thinking people might like her for her, and not just her place as Master.
Man, this is heavy. How does she lighten the mood. ]
Look, not every single thing I say is like that, okay? I said conventionally because I meant conventionally. And if you judged my taste for thinking your own boyfriend was hot, I'd be seriously worried about your relationship.
Are we sure about that? He's got a pretty broad strike zone. I'm pretty sure you'd fall in it.
[ The crude jokes are one thing, but she's still kind of sidestepping the issue of "my boyfriend has a boyfriend, and he has compared you to him." Hm. ]
I'm pretty sure that Akira-kun goes for personality over looks.
[ There is an opportunity, there, for her to make the joke and that's why he's dating me! but she does not take it. She thinks about it very hard, though, and it's probably obvious in her silence--but she doesn't do it. Please praise her. ]
I really don't think you're as bad as you keep saying you are, too.
Not in a bad way, either; he looks embarrassed, not annoyed, covering his face with one hand. The truth is, it'd be easier to respond to this if he thought she were lying or making the wrong call there, because he's used to self-deprecating. But in this case? Kadoc likes Akechi, but he's very, Akechi,,,]
[ That boy is an Avenger, and even if that type takes wearing down to win over, it also means that Ritsuka also needs wearing down and winning over, even if she requires less of it. ]
Yeah, you seem like the kinda person who'll drag him into friendship kicking and screaming.
[Like she did to him! But he smiles at this. If anything, it's probably easier with Akechi, despite the shared boyfriend thing. They don't have a History.]
I was kidding. See, this is why I'm no fun to hang out with. But I don't get why you'd want me to choose something like that anyway, even as a joke. I'm not saying that to spare your feelings.
Yeah, but that game is usually really out there shit like "would you rather only be able to drink out of the toilet or only be able to eat food you stole?" Not picking a friend.
...You're just jealous I called him hot.
[HE IS TRYING...TO JOKE AGAIN...and nudges her. See, it's okay,]
I'm just messing around. . . . Look, obviously, this is still weird and all, but I'm closer to you than I am to him, so I'd pick you. But I'd even hang out with you guys together if you promised not to be weird about it.
[Just don't like make out in front of him and it's all good, okay!]
[ It's something she's been mulling over, off and on, for a couple of days. Even if she doesn't begrudge it, it's still a bit of a weird feeling, to have been left twice in the same day by people ostensibly trying to take care of her. Just because she doesn't blame either of them doesn't mean she can't feel a way about it.
But Kadoc isn't trying to help her, is he? He's just--here. No matter how much he disparages that, it means something. ]
I'm just me, too. And it matters to me. You're--...
[ She sighs, squeezing the cup in her hands. ]
Out of everyone here, there's only two people who know what it's like. And Bedivere isn't--he doesn't remember much of anything that happened, after Camelot. I've told him, but it's not the same as living it, you know? Or being there.
[He finds himself watching her hands, unsure why, just that it's something to look at. There's just something so human about it. That's her whole thing, sure, and it's his too, but he still notices in these small ways, and feels something about it. He wishes he had his Viy doll to hand her to squeeze.]
. . . I wasn't there. But yeah. I know what you mean. Obviously, I saw it, and I was around later, and I get that even if that only caused you pain, it's still something. I feel the same way.
[He tries to say that flippantly, but instantly his ears are burning, and he has to look away, and it's all really embarrassingly obvious and his voice only just barely didn't crack, and dammit?! He's a loser! It was supposed to be teasing!]
[ There's a long pause as she considers. She hasn't told anyone about what happened at the end of things, at the ruined Temple when it had only been her and one other being left in the whole world.
What would she do, if that man appeared before her again? She doesn't know. She likes to think she'd be able to find a way to connect with him, too.
Finally, though, she bumps her shoulder against Kadoc's, another light beat of pressure. ]
[But, slowly, he returns that pressure, leaning back on her a little. It feels right. That's also a way of being connected to someone. It feels strange to sit here and talk about these things and not, who knows, be holding hands or hugging or something, and that's stupid; he doesn't like either of those things. He wouldn't know how to offer them or follow through on them. But still . . .
They're both a little twisted. He smiles, just a bit.]
[ There's the instinctive desire, at first, to deny it. It's there, bubbling in her throat, but it just as quickly dies. He's not wrong. At this point, she's still an ordinary girl, but she's definitely been twisted at the same time. ]
[He tries to say it sarcastically, but instead he kind of mumbles it, because oh no, he likes it. There's something he likes about it! God! Why is he like this.]
[ She nudges him a little harder with her elbow, beaming. Whatever it is, the conversation feels pretty good? Better than some of the ones they've had, for certain. ]
[He looks over at her and forces himself not to look away, even though it's like trying to force himself to look at a solar eclipse or something, such is the weight of the embarrassment he feels about this. She's so earnest! She's turning that on him, the worst possible person to turn that kind of feeling on! He can't stop overthinking it. He needs to head home and lie in bed and obsessively replay this whole conversation all night and make it even weirder than it already is. That's clearly the only path forward from here, is just making things absolutely fucking awkward.
Sheesh, that smile. Like his ears weren't pink enough.]
You're . . . yeah. I could tell. I mean, shit, you know what I mean, so I'm not even gonna bother trying to say what I mean. You fill it in!
[ They've both survived the end of the world, they can both survive some awkwardness.
Not that she realizes there's anything to feel awkward about about this moment. She's already very deliberately done her best to set aside worrying about the things that have bothered her, those little bits and pieces that have nagged for reasons she hasn't really been able to pin down. Right now, she just feels good, relieved in a way that she doesn't feel is important to examine just yet. ]
If you feel the same, you could just say "me too." That's a pretty quick way of doing it.
[FLATLY. Dryly, with that brand of humor he has, and a little more confidence in his understated amusement. This is fine. This feeling may be awkward, but he doesn't not like it.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Night 129; btw your inbox links are broken,
WELL I'LL FIX THAT THANKS!!
Wait why are you texting me??
Evening 138
I have something to give you, if you're not tied up right now. Meet me by the fountain if you can.
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I'm not busy! ╮(￣～￣)╭
Give me five, I'll be there
[ Which she will, true to her word. ]
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He looks very casual though really.]
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But while she slows a little when she sees him and the bubble tea, she doesn't actually stop, bemused as she approaches. ]
...Okay, so, what's up?
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[He sets the book aside and picks up the cup to hold it out to her, his lips quirking just a little. It does look like a tea slushy with boba; it's a nice purple pink berry color. The cup kinda looks like this.]
I heard you missed these.
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[ She has, but also, what the heckie. In spite of that, though, she does not hesitate to take it. Ritsuka has learned nothing about being afraid of what she might put in her mouth, apparently. ]
--I didn't know Magolor even made these? He keeps talking about how he's not the best cook.
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[It's cute and delicious and wonderful, Ritsuka! Kadoc watches her, propping one foot up.]
But if it sucks, you can blame that.
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[ She tries to be stern about it, but there's a little smile threatening at the corners of her mouth as she sits next to him and takes a careful sip. ]
Is this seriously a White Day sort of gift? I didn't think you were actually gonna do that.
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And he shrugs.]
I knew you didn't think I was gonna. Maybe that's why I decided to. You went to a lot of effort just for obligation chocolate for some guy who tried to kill you . . . I guess I didn't wanna live down to your expectations after that.
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At his words, she huffs, a small, fondly exasperated sound. ]
I didn't do it because I expected anything from anyone. --Not that I don't appreciate! I do. Thanks.
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I know you didn't, but you got something anyway. That's how the tradition goes anyway where you come from, right? . . . Is it good?
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[ He wasn't wrong that she's missed this kind of thing--bubble tea in general, even if this isn't her usual flavor of choice, and the socializing that she's always associated with it. ]
It's really nice of you to do this at all.
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[He blushes a little. God. The truth is that he can't even handle her being bubble tea levels of grateful to him for doing something for her; why the hell would Douxie ever think he could handle the conversation that would go along with "by the way that just cured your slow-acting but fatal poison"?
(She will not notice anything dramatic or magical, just that she's no longer having bad days, and if she hasn't been having good days recently, suddenly she will be. From now on.)]
I—didn't really know what the hell to do, but I heard that guy was in the gift business, so I went to him for ideas. It turns out he's a friend of yours, like almost everyone else I meet in this place, and he said you'd mentioned missing bubble tea.
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[ She bumps her arm against his, a small companionable gesture. Right now, the poison issue isn't on her mind at all; she's just pleased that it feels like their relationship has progressed to a comfortable level of equilibrium. Does this count as level two? It might. Nothing of his behavior is suspicious, not now that she knows him a little better; he really is kind of a shy guy, isn't he? ]
But it's not nothing. I appreciate it a lot.
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He lets that happen, taking a breath and relaxing. Of course he's nervous. It's natural for him to be nervous! This is the culmination of a lot of hard work and suffering. And he's not really going to know for sure how things work out until they do, though Magolor had run tests on the materials and come to the conclusion that they were effective; theory and practice are different! So he's anxious. But some of that is just not being used to this yet socially, either. He is, indeed, a shy guy.]
. . . His branding could use a little work, if you ask me. Just so you know, I didn't know the cup was gonna look like that until he handed it to me.
[This is also true.]
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She breaks into brief giggles at his comment. He's not wrong to be confused, but also, the branding is completely on-brand. ]
Why not? He's cute, and he knows it. If you look like that, why not go the whole way with the whole, "make yourself your brand" thing?
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[At least his nerves are leaving him, the more she drinks and the more they just have a normal conversation, sitting together outside, just hanging out. Definitely a normal conversation,]
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[ BB... would be genuinely terrifying in a situation like that, wouldn't she... the very thought makes her snort. Considering their canon, this is probably a reasonable conversation for them to have, ]
But if you're cute and you know people think so, and you don't mind leaning into it, I don't think there's anything wrong about that.
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I dunno. I think you could be cute if you took better care of yourself.
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[He's self-conscious sometimes, sure, more than he'd like to admit to considering what he just said. But it's not really a lie either. What would being hot have changed about anything in his life?]
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[ She's maybe about halfway done with her drink at this point, but she pauses on it, leaning a little more into his space to peer up at his face. The light isn't the best anymore, but she knows what he looks like at this point. ]
Trust me, I've spent the past three and a half years surrounded by really attractive people. I know it when I see it.
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[REALLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE?! RITSUKA! His ears are pink even if that's not how she meant it! Kadoc leans back, but only a little, embarrassed.]
Just forget it! I don't care how I look. Which I know is the point. I could take better care of myself, I get it.
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[ She dicks around sometimes, but right now she's being sincere!! When he leans back, she doesn't follow, but she does stay leaning towards him. ]
You should definitely take better care of yourself in general, but I bet once you do, you'll clean up really well. I'm an expert by now.
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[ Not like that!! It's one thing for them to be friends, but he definitely hadn't liked kissing her, and in her own memory, it feels like he'd disliked it more than just the bad timing of their circumstances might allow for. ]
But I told you, I've known plenty of people who turned out to be really hot once they actually tried. That's not even my point, though--you should take better care of yourself either way. Anything else will just be a bonus.
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[I know you're not interested feels weird. Why? Maybe because it puts the decision there on him, when she's the one dating someone, and has never expressed any interest in Kadoc, and never would, right? That'd be insane. She has a boyfriend. A hot boyfriend, even Kadoc has to admit. They fuck! They're all lovey-dovey and it's obnoxious but also kinda cute! So it's weird that the first thing she'd come out with is that Kadoc isn't interested, right?
Even though he's not, of course. More to the point, he can't let himself dwell on whether he ever could be, for those reasons. What if he decided he was? That could only ever be masochism.]
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[ But what? This is the sort of thing that Ritsuka understands more on an instinctive level than an intellectual one; she knows how it feels to her, but she's not entirely confident in her ability to put it into words. ]
Sometimes it's just... nice, to feel like you look good. It's not like you've gotta be drop-dead gorgeous or anything, but just--feeling good about yourself. Maybe it's not much, but it's something.
[ Not that Ritsuka usually feels beautiful or anything like that--but she is confident that she can clean up cute, and Akira has always been very kind about her insecurities there. ]
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. . . Can't relate. Not that I'm trying to brush you off. I believe you, I just can't imagine it. But sure, maybe someday.
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[ She hasn't been drinking, distracted by gently elbowing him in the side again. ]
If even I can get dolled up, you definitely can. You've got a nice face, under all of the "I haven't slept in a week" problems.
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[He can at least encourage her in a way that sounds normal-complainy about things because he's This Way. It's not suspicious!]
If we get into it about why the hell you think I'm working with a better canvas than you are here, you'll go on forever, and I still won't be convinced.
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[ Fineeeeeee, she takes another sip, making deliberate eye contact as she does. Are you happy now, Kadoc? ]
Anyway, it wouldn't be a forever thing. And you don't have to believe it for me to be right.
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At this point, I don't even know what you're suggesting I do.
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[ That's easy! She takes another absentminded sip of her drink, leaning away again so she can look him over more critically. ]
You've actually got really nice features? You could definitely rock the whole "delicate young master" look if you wanted, but right now, you kind of look like you need a sandwich or ten first.
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[HE'S . . SO EMBARRASSED NOW . . . even in the dimness of the evening, his ears are visibly red. She keeps saying it?! Why!]
What the hell is a delicate young master look anyway?
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You know, that sort of--kind of thin features, on the pale side, has better lashes than most women? Play some more dating games, you'll see what I mean.
[ is this really helpful, ]
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[Why is he surprised . . . it's such a normal girl thing to do, and she's such a normal girl! But still he didn't expect it. And he's still embarrassed, leaning away and blushing.]
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[ They were the closest she got to actual dates while in school, mostly because she was exactly that sort of easygoing unfocused teen, even when it came to connecting with others back then. ]
Most of them were kind of trashy, but some of them were actually good.
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[Did she go for the pale scrawny ones in games . . . who did she go for . . . not that it has anything to do with reality, at all! It doesn't! That's the point of those games.]
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I know that. They do that in romance stories all the time? The heroine always talks about how she's plain and stuff, but then all these cool dashing guys think she's super hot. Isn't that the point, pretending you could be someone like that?
[ Her legs swing again, idle. The drink is almost gone by now. ]
My point, though, is that you could be like that for real if you took care of the whole scrawny thing.
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[SHE'S DESCRIBING HERSELF . . . SHE'S A ROMANCE HEROINE . . . WHO TALKS ABOUT HOW SHE'S PLAIN BUT COOL DASHING GUYS AND GIRLS THINK SHE'S SUPER HOT . . . RITSUKA . . . PLEASE . . . ]
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[ She's not a romance protagonist, okay, she's no Emiya Shirou with multiple dating routes. There is ONE person who thinks she's hot and has said so to her face without dancing around the issue or leaving it to innuendo and implication, and so there is ONE person that Ritsuka (mostly) accepts that from.
But she does poof up a little, the drink forgotten again. At least it's mostly gone by now. ]
I just want you to take care of yourself, so you can feel better about yourself?!
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[But he deflates some. That's at least a logic that makes sense, even if he doesn't agree with it!]
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[ She's worried about you sometimes, Kadoc. ]
Forget the stuff about dating anyone or whatever. You deserve feeling good about something about yourself.
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[He looks at her, in the dim twilight, drinking that drink . . . he feels good about that, yeah. But Douxie was right about him withholding something of this from himself and Ritsuka both by being this way about it, all evasive and dodgy. He could tell her now, but he can't bring himself to. What if it doesn't work? What if he says it and then tomorrow it's obvious it was a failure? He can't.]
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[ She softens a little with the admission. There's something oddly comforting about talking to someone who is self-aware in a lot of the same ways she is: usually aware of a problem, willing to admit it, but also... stubborn sometimes to one's own detriment. In light of that, she can't even be annoyed anymore. ]
And sometimes, even if you don't care about it that much, it's still nice. Like the looks thing--I don't really care, either, but I still like feeling like I look good for once.
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[SHE'S DOING IT! SHE THINKS SHE'S NOT HOT! God! How can she be so dumb about some things!]
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I'm not a romance heroine, though? I'm more like an action protagonist or something. I hate the fact that I have to acknowledge being a protagonist at all?
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1/2
[ There's a long pause as she blinks at him, slow and bemused, like he's suddenly stopped speaking in a language she understands. What. What? ]
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It's definitely obvious the moment she actually processes it; her face goes red, and she makes a little sputtering sound, clearly confused. ]
I, wh, that's--I-I'm not saying I can't be cute! I can, when I try! But that's the point--sometimes I do try, because I want to feel like that! And it's nice!
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[It's easier to latch onto that than respond to anything else about this—the fact that he's embarrassed that he went and said that much and she apparently didn't even need to hear it or care or mean that, while at the same time, she seems to not understand somehow that she doesn't need to try to be cute?! But he can't say that! That's going too far! He can't just shower her with embarrassing praise, the amount he already gave was bad enough!]
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[ He has to know, right? He can't actually not understand, when he'd been talking like he had just a moment ago, right?! Ahhhhhhh!! Even if she can't see her own face, she can take a guess, with how hot it feels right now. ]
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[ HE CAN'T ESCAPE THAT. SHE NOTICED, AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM, ]
You're the one who told me to apply romance heroine logic to myself, but that doesn't even make sense?!
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[Actually he called her hot, and he considers correcting that, but like hell he's doing that.]
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For one, I'm not a romance heroine! I don't have a bunch of people vying for my attention or anything like that. Not like that.
[ What he doesn't know about the weird relationship dynamics in Chaldea won't hurt her. ]
I'm just... me. Akira-kun's the first guy who took interest.
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[Though he does have his suspicions about Chaldea and all. If nothing else, it's incredibly obvious Mash is in love with her. But he'll keep that to himself. And beyond that, who knows? He's seen how people react to her. It's not unheard of for it to be romantic, even if no one actually came out and said anything. In fact—]
Take it from a guy who never said shit to the girl he liked . . . you not knowing doesn't mean it's never happened. You can't convince me otherwise when I've lived it myself. I play plenty of cards right up against my chest, and I'm not the only one like that. But it seriously doesn't matter. I'm not gonna convince you, and you're not gonna convince me. I'm just pointing out the similarities in what you said about yourself and what you said about the games you play.
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[ Well now it's sad. She hadn't been lying, when she'd said she'd noticed the tenor of the closeness between Kadoc and Anastasia. And even if she understands that there will always be something transient in a relationship with a Servant, it's still sad. It's still a thing she helped end, and even if she doesn't regret the necessity of it, she can regret that it left things unresolved for him. Oof.
She hunches her shoulders up a little, drumming her fingers on the cup. ]
...If it happened, the fact is still--I can only act on the stuff I know about, right? Even if it was just to turn someone down. I can't even think about what I'd do one way or another if no one tells me anything.
[ There's an argument to be made for a bigger picture, how much responsibility she does and doesn't have to know about how mage society works in conjunction with her work as Chaldea's Master, but for this? For relationships with others? She'll definitely argue her point there. ]
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[Okay so maybe this got that into the weeds because it's directly relevant to their current situation, which she doesn't know about, because he's not telling her, which is the source of this conversation, and
Ha ha. He rests his chin on his knee.]
Whatever. You don't need to listen to all my bullshit. All I'm trying to say is that you're right, and also that it doesn't reflect on you at all. Other people holding back is all about them. It's a selfish act.
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I'm listening because I think you've got good points. You don't have to defend everything you say, you know?
[ After saying that, though, she sighs, scrubbing a hand through her hair briefly. She still hasn't found a replacement scrunchie, so it's just a bit of a mess around her face. ]
But it's just... hard to know what other people think about you if they don't say anything, you know? You can guess, sure, but... when it comes to something like this, I don't feel good about guessing. I'd rather assume no interest unless told otherwise.
And I guess that counts for what people think about how I look, too. It's been like... Akira-kun, or a guy who treats me like his little sister. People who think I'm just, I don't know, small and cute. That's not really the same as being attractive, you know?
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[He lets out a raw little laugh, watching her through his bangs, hanging into his face where his cheek rests on his propped up knee.]
Sorry. This is the last kinda thing I know how to handle. It's not like I think you're doing the wrong thing, either. Taking things at face value is exactly what you should be doing. You might be wrong about things sometimes, but it's entirely on the other person, not on you. Evasive assholes like me never learn if we just get away with it. And reading too much into what everyone says is how you end up paranoid.
. . . At the same time, it's just reality that no one says everything they think, whether it's about a girl's looks or anything else. So it is what it is.
Obviously your conventionally hot boyfriend thinks you're not giving yourself enough credit.
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Akira-kun gives me a lot of credit. Even when I don't really get why.
But... he does, and that means a lot to me. I think, maybe, he's the first person who's really done that for me, not--you know. "The Master of Chaldea" or anything like that.
[ That's what complicates things with people in Chaldea. Even with Mash, there's that mental block she's put up, because look. Ritsuka knows herself. She knows the sort of person she was before Chaldea, and she doesn't think anyone was wrong to not take interest in her before. She hadn't been an interesting person! She's grown a lot! But a lot of that growth is tangled up in this strange position of in-between authority, where it's hard to relax into thinking people might like her for her, and not just her place as Master.
Man, this is heavy. How does she lighten the mood. ]
...so, you think he's hot, huh?
[ NAILED IT. ]
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He knew this would happen if he said that!! Even though he answers very flatly and casually, he is still a little pink-eared about it.]
He's obviously conventionally attractive. It's not like I'm unaware of that.
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[ Her shoulders relax a little. If he's going to be annoyed at her, at least let it be because of something lighter than they were headed. ]
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Look, not every single thing I say is like that, okay? I said conventionally because I meant conventionally. And if you judged my taste for thinking your own boyfriend was hot, I'd be seriously worried about your relationship.
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[ She very gently jostles his side with her elbow. ]
Maybe I'm just curious about what your type is.
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[OCCASIONALLY IT ENDS UP LIKE THIS, with him resorting to dipping into crudeness when he's not sure how else to handle this kind of situation,]
He's got better taste in lovers than that.
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Are we sure about that? He's got a pretty broad strike zone. I'm pretty sure you'd fall in it.
[ The crude jokes are one thing, but she's still kind of sidestepping the issue of "my boyfriend has a boyfriend, and he has compared you to him." Hm. ]
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[Oh wait, yeah, he knows why. He lets out a huffing little snort himself.]
Akechi's got something I don't. He's also hot. Conventionally.
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[ There is an opportunity, there, for her to make the joke and that's why he's dating me! but she does not take it. She thinks about it very hard, though, and it's probably obvious in her silence--but she doesn't do it. Please praise her. ]
I really don't think you're as bad as you keep saying you are, too.
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[HE NOTICED. He noticed and he is praising her inside himself. She tried hard,]
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[ He's a jaded bitter antisocial ex-antagonist with an inferiority streak a Lostbelt wide, but he's "hers." ]
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[OTHER THAN BY BLUSHING!
Not in a bad way, either; he looks embarrassed, not annoyed, covering his face with one hand. The truth is, it'd be easier to respond to this if he thought she were lying or making the wrong call there, because he's used to self-deprecating. But in this case? Kadoc likes Akechi, but he's very, Akechi,,,]
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Just accept it, and don't argue with me.
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[AND SO HE DOES. He's not arguing it! He has no choice but to accept it! Her saying she'd pick him . . . it's . . . something,]
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Sorry, but I'm not sorry. Are you okay?
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You and he would make a terrible couple. You're good with Kurusu, stick to that.
[There is just something not right about the thought of Akechi and Ritsuka! Whatever it is, he's sure of that.]
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I'd like to at least get along with him! If nothing else, it'd make things easier. But all I'm interested in is being his friend.
[ "So don't worry," but he isn't really. Right? ]
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[Like she did to him! But he smiles at this. If anything, it's probably easier with Akechi, despite the shared boyfriend thing. They don't have a History.]
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...But I still think I'd pick hanging out with you over him.
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I like you both. I'm not even good at hanging out, so no need to fight it out over my bad company.
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[ She swings her feet again, idle, looking down at her empty cup. ]
I guess I was just curious. Never mind.
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...You're just jealous I called him hot.
[HE IS TRYING...TO JOKE AGAIN...and nudges her. See, it's okay,]
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Why would I be jealous? It's true, he is.
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[Just don't like make out in front of him and it's all good, okay!]
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[ Kadoc, please, she's only brave enough to do anything super flirtatious when it's only the two of them, there's no way that would happen. ]
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[SHE'LL GET IT.]
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[ She's mostly deadpan, but there's the beginning of a little smile on her lips again. ]
Like I said, it was just me being curious. If you didn't want to, it's a good thing you told me to cut it out.
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. . . If you think hanging out with you bothers me, it doesn't. I can swallow my pride and be honest about that. I'm doing it because I wanna do it.
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[ It's something she's been mulling over, off and on, for a couple of days. Even if she doesn't begrudge it, it's still a bit of a weird feeling, to have been left twice in the same day by people ostensibly trying to take care of her. Just because she doesn't blame either of them doesn't mean she can't feel a way about it.
But Kadoc isn't trying to help her, is he? He's just--here. No matter how much he disparages that, it means something. ]
I'm just me, too. And it matters to me. You're--...
[ She sighs, squeezing the cup in her hands. ]
Out of everyone here, there's only two people who know what it's like. And Bedivere isn't--he doesn't remember much of anything that happened, after Camelot. I've told him, but it's not the same as living it, you know? Or being there.
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. . . I wasn't there. But yeah. I know what you mean. Obviously, I saw it, and I was around later, and I get that even if that only caused you pain, it's still something. I feel the same way.
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[ She'd expected him to, but it still is a relief to hear him confirm it. Her shoulders relax slightly, though she's still fiddling with the cup. ]
So maybe you can make that "it's just me" argument when you're talking to anyone else here. But not to me.
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[He tries to say that flippantly, but instantly his ears are burning, and he has to look away, and it's all really embarrassingly obvious and his voice only just barely didn't crack, and dammit?! He's a loser! It was supposed to be teasing!]
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Yeah. Is it really that weird?
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[He peeks over at her through his bangs. Embarrassing!!]
...I'm not complaining. I don't really wanna chase you off at this point. I'm just still accepting this situation.
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[ There's a long pause as she considers. She hasn't told anyone about what happened at the end of things, at the ruined Temple when it had only been her and one other being left in the whole world.
What would she do, if that man appeared before her again? She doesn't know. She likes to think she'd be able to find a way to connect with him, too.
Finally, though, she bumps her shoulder against Kadoc's, another light beat of pressure. ]
You're the first one who remembers trying.
...It's nice, not being the only one.
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[But, slowly, he returns that pressure, leaning back on her a little. It feels right. That's also a way of being connected to someone. It feels strange to sit here and talk about these things and not, who knows, be holding hands or hugging or something, and that's stupid; he doesn't like either of those things. He wouldn't know how to offer them or follow through on them. But still . . .
They're both a little twisted. He smiles, just a bit.]
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[ There's the instinctive desire, at first, to deny it. It's there, bubbling in her throat, but it just as quickly dies. He's not wrong. At this point, she's still an ordinary girl, but she's definitely been twisted at the same time. ]
Guess that's part of why you're stuck with me.
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[He tries to say it sarcastically, but instead he kind of mumbles it, because oh no, he likes it. There's something he likes about it! God! Why is he like this.]
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[ She nudges him a little harder with her elbow, beaming. Whatever it is, the conversation feels pretty good? Better than some of the ones they've had, for certain. ]
...Hey, Kadoc? I'm glad you're here.
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Sheesh, that smile. Like his ears weren't pink enough.]
You're . . . yeah. I could tell. I mean, shit, you know what I mean, so I'm not even gonna bother trying to say what I mean. You fill it in!
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Not that she realizes there's anything to feel awkward about about this moment. She's already very deliberately done her best to set aside worrying about the things that have bothered her, those little bits and pieces that have nagged for reasons she hasn't really been able to pin down. Right now, she just feels good, relieved in a way that she doesn't feel is important to examine just yet. ]
If you feel the same, you could just say "me too." That's a pretty quick way of doing it.
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[FLATLY. Dryly, with that brand of humor he has, and a little more confidence in his understated amusement. This is fine. This feeling may be awkward, but he doesn't not like it.]
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[ At this point, she can recognize it, and that pleases her. He's playing along! This is what friends do! Nice. ]