[ That's going to be one of those things that she'll realize later, when she replays this conversation in her head in bewilderment, only it'll be too late to call him out on that. And by that point, she might be able to convince herself she's imagined it. ]
For one, I'm not a romance heroine! I don't have a bunch of people vying for my attention or anything like that. Not like that.
[ What he doesn't know about the weird relationship dynamics in Chaldea won't hurt her. ]
I'm just... me. Akira-kun's the first guy who took interest.
That isn't really the point I was trying to make anyway.
[Though he does have his suspicions about Chaldea and all. If nothing else, it's incredibly obvious Mash is in love with her. But he'll keep that to himself. And beyond that, who knows? He's seen how people react to her. It's not unheard of for it to be romantic, even if no one actually came out and said anything. In fact—]
Take it from a guy who never said shit to the girl he liked . . . you not knowing doesn't mean it's never happened. You can't convince me otherwise when I've lived it myself. I play plenty of cards right up against my chest, and I'm not the only one like that. But it seriously doesn't matter. I'm not gonna convince you, and you're not gonna convince me. I'm just pointing out the similarities in what you said about yourself and what you said about the games you play.
[ Well now it's sad. She hadn't been lying, when she'd said she'd noticed the tenor of the closeness between Kadoc and Anastasia. And even if she understands that there will always be something transient in a relationship with a Servant, it's still sad. It's still a thing she helped end, and even if she doesn't regret the necessity of it, she can regret that it left things unresolved for him. Oof.
She hunches her shoulders up a little, drumming her fingers on the cup. ]
...If it happened, the fact is still--I can only act on the stuff I know about, right? Even if it was just to turn someone down. I can't even think about what I'd do one way or another if no one tells me anything.
[ There's an argument to be made for a bigger picture, how much responsibility she does and doesn't have to know about how mage society works in conjunction with her work as Chaldea's Master, but for this? For relationships with others? She'll definitely argue her point there. ]
...That wasn't what I was talking about either. But for the record? You're right about that. I'd never argue that one with you. Not telling people things is straight up a power play. It's a way to protect your feelings above theirs and reserve any upper hand you can, as a last resort. I'd know all about it. I love keeping pertinent information to myself...it's never been anything but weakness.
[Okay so maybe this got that into the weeds because it's directly relevant to their current situation, which she doesn't know about, because he's not telling her, which is the source of this conversation, and
Ha ha. He rests his chin on his knee.]
Whatever. You don't need to listen to all my bullshit. All I'm trying to say is that you're right, and also that it doesn't reflect on you at all. Other people holding back is all about them. It's a selfish act.
[ She has to resist the urge to mirror his posture. What good would it do either of them? Not much, and she's self-conscious that it might seem like mocking. ]
I'm listening because I think you've got good points. You don't have to defend everything you say, you know?
[ After saying that, though, she sighs, scrubbing a hand through her hair briefly. She still hasn't found a replacement scrunchie, so it's just a bit of a mess around her face. ]
But it's just... hard to know what other people think about you if they don't say anything, you know? You can guess, sure, but... when it comes to something like this, I don't feel good about guessing. I'd rather assume no interest unless told otherwise.
And I guess that counts for what people think about how I look, too. It's been like... Akira-kun, or a guy who treats me like his little sister. People who think I'm just, I don't know, small and cute. That's not really the same as being attractive, you know?
I wasn't defending anything. . . . Unless saying that just now counts as defending me not defending anything. This really is a stupid conversation.
[He lets out a raw little laugh, watching her through his bangs, hanging into his face where his cheek rests on his propped up knee.]
Sorry. This is the last kinda thing I know how to handle. It's not like I think you're doing the wrong thing, either. Taking things at face value is exactly what you should be doing. You might be wrong about things sometimes, but it's entirely on the other person, not on you. Evasive assholes like me never learn if we just get away with it. And reading too much into what everyone says is how you end up paranoid.
. . . At the same time, it's just reality that no one says everything they think, whether it's about a girl's looks or anything else. So it is what it is.
Obviously your conventionally hot boyfriend thinks you're not giving yourself enough credit.
[ She huffs something that isn't exactly a laugh, herself, putting her (now empty!) cup aside. ]
Akira-kun gives me a lot of credit. Even when I don't really get why.
But... he does, and that means a lot to me. I think, maybe, he's the first person who's really done that for me, not--you know. "The Master of Chaldea" or anything like that.
[ That's what complicates things with people in Chaldea. Even with Mash, there's that mental block she's put up, because look. Ritsuka knows herself. She knows the sort of person she was before Chaldea, and she doesn't think anyone was wrong to not take interest in her before. She hadn't been an interesting person! She's grown a lot! But a lot of that growth is tangled up in this strange position of in-between authority, where it's hard to relax into thinking people might like her for her, and not just her place as Master.
Man, this is heavy. How does she lighten the mood. ]
Look, not every single thing I say is like that, okay? I said conventionally because I meant conventionally. And if you judged my taste for thinking your own boyfriend was hot, I'd be seriously worried about your relationship.
Are we sure about that? He's got a pretty broad strike zone. I'm pretty sure you'd fall in it.
[ The crude jokes are one thing, but she's still kind of sidestepping the issue of "my boyfriend has a boyfriend, and he has compared you to him." Hm. ]
I'm pretty sure that Akira-kun goes for personality over looks.
[ There is an opportunity, there, for her to make the joke and that's why he's dating me! but she does not take it. She thinks about it very hard, though, and it's probably obvious in her silence--but she doesn't do it. Please praise her. ]
I really don't think you're as bad as you keep saying you are, too.
Not in a bad way, either; he looks embarrassed, not annoyed, covering his face with one hand. The truth is, it'd be easier to respond to this if he thought she were lying or making the wrong call there, because he's used to self-deprecating. But in this case? Kadoc likes Akechi, but he's very, Akechi,,,]
[ That boy is an Avenger, and even if that type takes wearing down to win over, it also means that Ritsuka also needs wearing down and winning over, even if she requires less of it. ]
Yeah, you seem like the kinda person who'll drag him into friendship kicking and screaming.
[Like she did to him! But he smiles at this. If anything, it's probably easier with Akechi, despite the shared boyfriend thing. They don't have a History.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2021-05-03 05:19 am (UTC)For one, I'm not a romance heroine! I don't have a bunch of people vying for my attention or anything like that. Not like that.
[ What he doesn't know about the weird relationship dynamics in Chaldea won't hurt her. ]
I'm just... me. Akira-kun's the first guy who took interest.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-03 05:24 am (UTC)[Though he does have his suspicions about Chaldea and all. If nothing else, it's incredibly obvious Mash is in love with her. But he'll keep that to himself. And beyond that, who knows? He's seen how people react to her. It's not unheard of for it to be romantic, even if no one actually came out and said anything. In fact—]
Take it from a guy who never said shit to the girl he liked . . . you not knowing doesn't mean it's never happened. You can't convince me otherwise when I've lived it myself. I play plenty of cards right up against my chest, and I'm not the only one like that. But it seriously doesn't matter. I'm not gonna convince you, and you're not gonna convince me. I'm just pointing out the similarities in what you said about yourself and what you said about the games you play.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-03 05:39 am (UTC)[ Well now it's sad. She hadn't been lying, when she'd said she'd noticed the tenor of the closeness between Kadoc and Anastasia. And even if she understands that there will always be something transient in a relationship with a Servant, it's still sad. It's still a thing she helped end, and even if she doesn't regret the necessity of it, she can regret that it left things unresolved for him. Oof.
She hunches her shoulders up a little, drumming her fingers on the cup. ]
...If it happened, the fact is still--I can only act on the stuff I know about, right? Even if it was just to turn someone down. I can't even think about what I'd do one way or another if no one tells me anything.
[ There's an argument to be made for a bigger picture, how much responsibility she does and doesn't have to know about how mage society works in conjunction with her work as Chaldea's Master, but for this? For relationships with others? She'll definitely argue her point there. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-05-03 05:55 am (UTC)[Okay so maybe this got that into the weeds because it's directly relevant to their current situation, which she doesn't know about, because he's not telling her, which is the source of this conversation, and
Ha ha. He rests his chin on his knee.]
Whatever. You don't need to listen to all my bullshit. All I'm trying to say is that you're right, and also that it doesn't reflect on you at all. Other people holding back is all about them. It's a selfish act.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-03 06:11 am (UTC)I'm listening because I think you've got good points. You don't have to defend everything you say, you know?
[ After saying that, though, she sighs, scrubbing a hand through her hair briefly. She still hasn't found a replacement scrunchie, so it's just a bit of a mess around her face. ]
But it's just... hard to know what other people think about you if they don't say anything, you know? You can guess, sure, but... when it comes to something like this, I don't feel good about guessing. I'd rather assume no interest unless told otherwise.
And I guess that counts for what people think about how I look, too. It's been like... Akira-kun, or a guy who treats me like his little sister. People who think I'm just, I don't know, small and cute. That's not really the same as being attractive, you know?
no subject
Date: 2021-05-03 10:59 pm (UTC)[He lets out a raw little laugh, watching her through his bangs, hanging into his face where his cheek rests on his propped up knee.]
Sorry. This is the last kinda thing I know how to handle. It's not like I think you're doing the wrong thing, either. Taking things at face value is exactly what you should be doing. You might be wrong about things sometimes, but it's entirely on the other person, not on you. Evasive assholes like me never learn if we just get away with it. And reading too much into what everyone says is how you end up paranoid.
. . . At the same time, it's just reality that no one says everything they think, whether it's about a girl's looks or anything else. So it is what it is.
Obviously your conventionally hot boyfriend thinks you're not giving yourself enough credit.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-03 11:42 pm (UTC)Akira-kun gives me a lot of credit. Even when I don't really get why.
But... he does, and that means a lot to me. I think, maybe, he's the first person who's really done that for me, not--you know. "The Master of Chaldea" or anything like that.
[ That's what complicates things with people in Chaldea. Even with Mash, there's that mental block she's put up, because look. Ritsuka knows herself. She knows the sort of person she was before Chaldea, and she doesn't think anyone was wrong to not take interest in her before. She hadn't been an interesting person! She's grown a lot! But a lot of that growth is tangled up in this strange position of in-between authority, where it's hard to relax into thinking people might like her for her, and not just her place as Master.
Man, this is heavy. How does she lighten the mood. ]
...so, you think he's hot, huh?
[ NAILED IT. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 12:47 am (UTC)He knew this would happen if he said that!! Even though he answers very flatly and casually, he is still a little pink-eared about it.]
He's obviously conventionally attractive. It's not like I'm unaware of that.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 12:57 am (UTC)[ Her shoulders relax a little. If he's going to be annoyed at her, at least let it be because of something lighter than they were headed. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 01:02 am (UTC)Look, not every single thing I say is like that, okay? I said conventionally because I meant conventionally. And if you judged my taste for thinking your own boyfriend was hot, I'd be seriously worried about your relationship.
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Date: 2021-05-04 01:13 am (UTC)[ She very gently jostles his side with her elbow. ]
Maybe I'm just curious about what your type is.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 01:37 am (UTC)[OCCASIONALLY IT ENDS UP LIKE THIS, with him resorting to dipping into crudeness when he's not sure how else to handle this kind of situation,]
He's got better taste in lovers than that.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 01:52 am (UTC)Are we sure about that? He's got a pretty broad strike zone. I'm pretty sure you'd fall in it.
[ The crude jokes are one thing, but she's still kind of sidestepping the issue of "my boyfriend has a boyfriend, and he has compared you to him." Hm. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 01:56 am (UTC)[Oh wait, yeah, he knows why. He lets out a huffing little snort himself.]
Akechi's got something I don't. He's also hot. Conventionally.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 02:06 am (UTC)[ There is an opportunity, there, for her to make the joke and that's why he's dating me! but she does not take it. She thinks about it very hard, though, and it's probably obvious in her silence--but she doesn't do it. Please praise her. ]
I really don't think you're as bad as you keep saying you are, too.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 02:23 am (UTC)[HE NOTICED. He noticed and he is praising her inside himself. She tried hard,]
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 02:30 am (UTC)[ He's a jaded bitter antisocial ex-antagonist with an inferiority streak a Lostbelt wide, but he's "hers." ]
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 02:50 am (UTC)[OTHER THAN BY BLUSHING!
Not in a bad way, either; he looks embarrassed, not annoyed, covering his face with one hand. The truth is, it'd be easier to respond to this if he thought she were lying or making the wrong call there, because he's used to self-deprecating. But in this case? Kadoc likes Akechi, but he's very, Akechi,,,]
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 02:56 am (UTC)Just accept it, and don't argue with me.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 03:03 am (UTC)[AND SO HE DOES. He's not arguing it! He has no choice but to accept it! Her saying she'd pick him . . . it's . . . something,]
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 03:11 am (UTC)Sorry, but I'm not sorry. Are you okay?
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 03:46 am (UTC)You and he would make a terrible couple. You're good with Kurusu, stick to that.
[There is just something not right about the thought of Akechi and Ritsuka! Whatever it is, he's sure of that.]
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 03:53 am (UTC)I'd like to at least get along with him! If nothing else, it'd make things easier. But all I'm interested in is being his friend.
[ "So don't worry," but he isn't really. Right? ]
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 04:20 am (UTC)[Like she did to him! But he smiles at this. If anything, it's probably easier with Akechi, despite the shared boyfriend thing. They don't have a History.]
no subject
Date: 2021-05-04 04:36 am (UTC)...But I still think I'd pick hanging out with you over him.
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