SIDEREAL INBOX

[fujimaru]

Ritsuka Fujimaru | 藤丸 立香
19(?) / F / Who knows!!

°˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖° We're doing our best here

<span style="font-family:century gothic,helvetica,arial,sans-serif;"><img src="https://i.imgur.com/ScI5Hsw.png" style="height:20px;margin:0 5px -4px 0;"><b style="color:#e75480;">YOUR NAME</b> matched with you!</span> MATCH

<lj-raw><span style="font-family:century gothic,helvetica,arial,sans-serif;"><img src="https://i.imgur.com/P3gZl1b.png" style="height:20px;margin:0 5px -4px 0;"> <b style="color:#e75480;">YOUR NAME</b> sent you a message! <blockquote style="border-left:5px solid #ddd;padding:0 0 0 10px;"> Message_content </blockquote></span></lj-raw> MESSAGE

<span style="font-family:century gothic,helvetica,arial,sans-serif;"><img src="https://i.imgur.com/w2B4FYG.png" style="height:20px;margin:0 5px -4px 0;"><b style="color:#e75480;">YOUR NAME</b> sent you a flirt!</span> FLIRT

CODE BY

Comments

[impostorsyndrome]

For who . . . nevermind. It doesn't really matter, like I said. I'm not out looking for anyone.

[I know you're not interested feels weird. Why? Maybe because it puts the decision there on him, when she's the one dating someone, and has never expressed any interest in Kadoc, and never would, right? That'd be insane. She has a boyfriend. A hot boyfriend, even Kadoc has to admit. They fuck! They're all lovey-dovey and it's obnoxious but also kinda cute! So it's weird that the first thing she'd come out with is that Kadoc isn't interested, right?

Even though he's not, of course. More to the point, he can't let himself dwell on whether he ever could be, for those reasons. What if he decided he was? That could only ever be masochism.]

[fujimaru]

Yeah, but--

[ But what? This is the sort of thing that Ritsuka understands more on an instinctive level than an intellectual one; she knows how it feels to her, but she's not entirely confident in her ability to put it into words. ]

Sometimes it's just... nice, to feel like you look good. It's not like you've gotta be drop-dead gorgeous or anything, but just--feeling good about yourself. Maybe it's not much, but it's something.

[ Not that Ritsuka usually feels beautiful or anything like that--but she is confident that she can clean up cute, and Akira has always been very kind about her insecurities there. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

[You always look good, though, is his first thought, because well. She does! He's not blind. She's pretty and that's not really dependent on her looking her best . . . he can't say that, though. It really does get into weird territory.]

. . . Can't relate. Not that I'm trying to brush you off. I believe you, I just can't imagine it. But sure, maybe someday.

[fujimaru]

At least try it before you decide that.

[ She hasn't been drinking, distracted by gently elbowing him in the side again. ]

If even I can get dolled up, you definitely can. You've got a nice face, under all of the "I haven't slept in a week" problems.

[impostorsyndrome]

If anyone else said that to me I'd think they were negging me. . . . Just drink your tea.

[He can at least encourage her in a way that sounds normal-complainy about things because he's This Way. It's not suspicious!]

If we get into it about why the hell you think I'm working with a better canvas than you are here, you'll go on forever, and I still won't be convinced.

[fujimaru]

Yeah, yeah.

[ Fineeeeeee, she takes another sip, making deliberate eye contact as she does. Are you happy now, Kadoc? ]

Anyway, it wouldn't be a forever thing. And you don't have to believe it for me to be right.

[impostorsyndrome]

[He does actually smile, not just because he's glad to see her drinking, but because it's kinda funny. Briefly!]

At this point, I don't even know what you're suggesting I do.

[fujimaru]

Sleep more, eat more than one meal a day, maybe sit outside more if you're gonna read.

[ That's easy! She takes another absentminded sip of her drink, leaning away again so she can look him over more critically. ]

You've actually got really nice features? You could definitely rock the whole "delicate young master" look if you wanted, but right now, you kind of look like you need a sandwich or ten first.

[impostorsyndrome]

You don't have to keep talking about my face.

[HE'S . . SO EMBARRASSED NOW . . . even in the dimness of the evening, his ears are visibly red. She keeps saying it?! Why!]

What the hell is a delicate young master look anyway?

[fujimaru]

[ Why are you embarrassed, Kadoc!! ]

You know, that sort of--kind of thin features, on the pale side, has better lashes than most women? Play some more dating games, you'll see what I mean.

[ is this really helpful, ]

[impostorsyndrome]

I'm gonna pass on that one. . . . You play those?

[Why is he surprised . . . it's such a normal girl thing to do, and she's such a normal girl! But still he didn't expect it. And he's still embarrassed, leaning away and blushing.]

[fujimaru]

Yeah? I wasn't a connoisseur or anything, but I played some. They were fun.

[ They were the closest she got to actual dates while in school, mostly because she was exactly that sort of easygoing unfocused teen, even when it came to connecting with others back then. ]

Most of them were kind of trashy, but some of them were actually good.

[impostorsyndrome]

You know those characters are totally idealized, obviously. Physically, and in every other way. A drawing can look hot even if he's pale and scrawny, but once you get into reality, all that doesn't mean shit.

[Did she go for the pale scrawny ones in games . . . who did she go for . . . not that it has anything to do with reality, at all! It doesn't! That's the point of those games.]

[fujimaru]

[ She went for harem ends whenever possible, because of course she did. ]

I know that. They do that in romance stories all the time? The heroine always talks about how she's plain and stuff, but then all these cool dashing guys think she's super hot. Isn't that the point, pretending you could be someone like that?

[ Her legs swing again, idle. The drink is almost gone by now. ]

My point, though, is that you could be like that for real if you took care of the whole scrawny thing.

[impostorsyndrome]

And my point is that I don't give a shit! I'm not out there looking for anyone, especially not someone who cares that much about how scrawny I am.

[SHE'S DESCRIBING HERSELF . . . SHE'S A ROMANCE HEROINE . . . WHO TALKS ABOUT HOW SHE'S PLAIN BUT COOL DASHING GUYS AND GIRLS THINK SHE'S SUPER HOT . . . RITSUKA . . . PLEASE . . . ]

[fujimaru]

I'm not even talking about if you're looking for someone! You should do it for your own health! And you might feel better about yourself if you did?!

[ She's not a romance protagonist, okay, she's no Emiya Shirou with multiple dating routes. There is ONE person who thinks she's hot and has said so to her face without dancing around the issue or leaving it to innuendo and implication, and so there is ONE person that Ritsuka (mostly) accepts that from.

But she does poof up a little, the drink forgotten again. At least it's mostly gone by now. ]

I just want you to take care of yourself, so you can feel better about yourself?!

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Trust me, my problems with that go way deeper than my looks.

[But he deflates some. That's at least a logic that makes sense, even if he doesn't agree with it!]

[fujimaru]

Even if they do, it can't hurt. Right?

[ She's worried about you sometimes, Kadoc. ]

Forget the stuff about dating anyone or whatever. You deserve feeling good about something about yourself.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Look, I get it, but I'd rather it be something I care about. Dammit, it's not like you're not right about the principle, though.

[He looks at her, in the dim twilight, drinking that drink . . . he feels good about that, yeah. But Douxie was right about him withholding something of this from himself and Ritsuka both by being this way about it, all evasive and dodgy. He could tell her now, but he can't bring himself to. What if it doesn't work? What if he says it and then tomorrow it's obvious it was a failure? He can't.]

[fujimaru]

I know something about it, okay.

[ She softens a little with the admission. There's something oddly comforting about talking to someone who is self-aware in a lot of the same ways she is: usually aware of a problem, willing to admit it, but also... stubborn sometimes to one's own detriment. In light of that, she can't even be annoyed anymore. ]

And sometimes, even if you don't care about it that much, it's still nice. Like the looks thing--I don't really care, either, but I still like feeling like I look good for once.

[impostorsyndrome]

—Okay, but you know you're doing that exact same "romance heroine" thing you were talking about, right? You seriously have to know. You've got the genre awareness! Now apply it to yourself already.

[SHE'S DOING IT! SHE THINKS SHE'S NOT HOT! God! How can she be so dumb about some things!]

[fujimaru]

[ That just gets a slow blink, because she clearly does not get it. ]

I'm not a romance heroine, though? I'm more like an action protagonist or something. I hate the fact that I have to acknowledge being a protagonist at all?

[impostorsyndrome]

"She always talks about how plain she is" . . . come on. It's almost worse because I know you're not actually trying to get me to admit you're hot. If you were, I could ignore it as a really pathetic effort on your part. But it's not even that! You legitimately don't think you're a conventionally attractive woman. Guys like me look at girls like you and know we'll never have you. Some guys are total assholes about it, so I guess I'm glad you've obviously never run into that before, at least.

1/2

[fujimaru]

...

[ There's a long pause as she blinks at him, slow and bemused, like he's suddenly stopped speaking in a language she understands. What. What? ]

[fujimaru]

[ ...what?!

It's definitely obvious the moment she actually processes it; her face goes red, and she makes a little sputtering sound, clearly confused. ]

I, wh, that's--I-I'm not saying I can't be cute! I can, when I try! But that's the point--sometimes I do try, because I want to feel like that! And it's nice!