I'm not even talking about if you're looking for someone! You should do it for your own health! And you might feel better about yourself if you did?!
[ She's not a romance protagonist, okay, she's no Emiya Shirou with multiple dating routes. There is ONE person who thinks she's hot and has said so to her face without dancing around the issue or leaving it to innuendo and implication, and so there is ONE person that Ritsuka (mostly) accepts that from.
But she does poof up a little, the drink forgotten again. At least it's mostly gone by now. ]
I just want you to take care of yourself, so you can feel better about yourself?!
. . . Look, I get it, but I'd rather it be something I care about. Dammit, it's not like you're not right about the principle, though.
[He looks at her, in the dim twilight, drinking that drink . . . he feels good about that, yeah. But Douxie was right about him withholding something of this from himself and Ritsuka both by being this way about it, all evasive and dodgy. He could tell her now, but he can't bring himself to. What if it doesn't work? What if he says it and then tomorrow it's obvious it was a failure? He can't.]
[ She softens a little with the admission. There's something oddly comforting about talking to someone who is self-aware in a lot of the same ways she is: usually aware of a problem, willing to admit it, but also... stubborn sometimes to one's own detriment. In light of that, she can't even be annoyed anymore. ]
And sometimes, even if you don't care about it that much, it's still nice. Like the looks thing--I don't really care, either, but I still like feeling like I look good for once.
—Okay, but you know you're doing that exact same "romance heroine" thing you were talking about, right? You seriously have to know. You've got the genre awareness! Now apply it to yourself already.
[SHE'S DOING IT! SHE THINKS SHE'S NOT HOT! God! How can she be so dumb about some things!]
[ That just gets a slow blink, because she clearly does not get it. ]
I'm not a romance heroine, though? I'm more like an action protagonist or something. I hate the fact that I have to acknowledge being a protagonist at all?
"She always talks about how plain she is" . . . come on. It's almost worse because I know you're not actually trying to get me to admit you're hot. If you were, I could ignore it as a really pathetic effort on your part. But it's not even that! You legitimately don't think you're a conventionally attractive woman. Guys like me look at girls like you and know we'll never have you. Some guys are total assholes about it, so I guess I'm glad you've obviously never run into that before, at least.
It's definitely obvious the moment she actually processes it; her face goes red, and she makes a little sputtering sound, clearly confused. ]
I, wh, that's--I-I'm not saying I can't be cute! I can, when I try! But that's the point--sometimes I do try, because I want to feel like that! And it's nice!
[It's easier to latch onto that than respond to anything else about this—the fact that he's embarrassed that he went and said that much and she apparently didn't even need to hear it or care or mean that, while at the same time, she seems to not understand somehow that she doesn't need to try to be cute?! But he can't say that! That's going too far! He can't just shower her with embarrassing praise, the amount he already gave was bad enough!]
[ He has to know, right? He can't actually not understand, when he'd been talking like he had just a moment ago, right?! Ahhhhhhh!! Even if she can't see her own face, she can take a guess, with how hot it feels right now. ]
[ That's going to be one of those things that she'll realize later, when she replays this conversation in her head in bewilderment, only it'll be too late to call him out on that. And by that point, she might be able to convince herself she's imagined it. ]
For one, I'm not a romance heroine! I don't have a bunch of people vying for my attention or anything like that. Not like that.
[ What he doesn't know about the weird relationship dynamics in Chaldea won't hurt her. ]
I'm just... me. Akira-kun's the first guy who took interest.
That isn't really the point I was trying to make anyway.
[Though he does have his suspicions about Chaldea and all. If nothing else, it's incredibly obvious Mash is in love with her. But he'll keep that to himself. And beyond that, who knows? He's seen how people react to her. It's not unheard of for it to be romantic, even if no one actually came out and said anything. In fact—]
Take it from a guy who never said shit to the girl he liked . . . you not knowing doesn't mean it's never happened. You can't convince me otherwise when I've lived it myself. I play plenty of cards right up against my chest, and I'm not the only one like that. But it seriously doesn't matter. I'm not gonna convince you, and you're not gonna convince me. I'm just pointing out the similarities in what you said about yourself and what you said about the games you play.
[ Well now it's sad. She hadn't been lying, when she'd said she'd noticed the tenor of the closeness between Kadoc and Anastasia. And even if she understands that there will always be something transient in a relationship with a Servant, it's still sad. It's still a thing she helped end, and even if she doesn't regret the necessity of it, she can regret that it left things unresolved for him. Oof.
She hunches her shoulders up a little, drumming her fingers on the cup. ]
...If it happened, the fact is still--I can only act on the stuff I know about, right? Even if it was just to turn someone down. I can't even think about what I'd do one way or another if no one tells me anything.
[ There's an argument to be made for a bigger picture, how much responsibility she does and doesn't have to know about how mage society works in conjunction with her work as Chaldea's Master, but for this? For relationships with others? She'll definitely argue her point there. ]
...That wasn't what I was talking about either. But for the record? You're right about that. I'd never argue that one with you. Not telling people things is straight up a power play. It's a way to protect your feelings above theirs and reserve any upper hand you can, as a last resort. I'd know all about it. I love keeping pertinent information to myself...it's never been anything but weakness.
[Okay so maybe this got that into the weeds because it's directly relevant to their current situation, which she doesn't know about, because he's not telling her, which is the source of this conversation, and
Ha ha. He rests his chin on his knee.]
Whatever. You don't need to listen to all my bullshit. All I'm trying to say is that you're right, and also that it doesn't reflect on you at all. Other people holding back is all about them. It's a selfish act.
[ She has to resist the urge to mirror his posture. What good would it do either of them? Not much, and she's self-conscious that it might seem like mocking. ]
I'm listening because I think you've got good points. You don't have to defend everything you say, you know?
[ After saying that, though, she sighs, scrubbing a hand through her hair briefly. She still hasn't found a replacement scrunchie, so it's just a bit of a mess around her face. ]
But it's just... hard to know what other people think about you if they don't say anything, you know? You can guess, sure, but... when it comes to something like this, I don't feel good about guessing. I'd rather assume no interest unless told otherwise.
And I guess that counts for what people think about how I look, too. It's been like... Akira-kun, or a guy who treats me like his little sister. People who think I'm just, I don't know, small and cute. That's not really the same as being attractive, you know?
I wasn't defending anything. . . . Unless saying that just now counts as defending me not defending anything. This really is a stupid conversation.
[He lets out a raw little laugh, watching her through his bangs, hanging into his face where his cheek rests on his propped up knee.]
Sorry. This is the last kinda thing I know how to handle. It's not like I think you're doing the wrong thing, either. Taking things at face value is exactly what you should be doing. You might be wrong about things sometimes, but it's entirely on the other person, not on you. Evasive assholes like me never learn if we just get away with it. And reading too much into what everyone says is how you end up paranoid.
. . . At the same time, it's just reality that no one says everything they think, whether it's about a girl's looks or anything else. So it is what it is.
Obviously your conventionally hot boyfriend thinks you're not giving yourself enough credit.
[ She huffs something that isn't exactly a laugh, herself, putting her (now empty!) cup aside. ]
Akira-kun gives me a lot of credit. Even when I don't really get why.
But... he does, and that means a lot to me. I think, maybe, he's the first person who's really done that for me, not--you know. "The Master of Chaldea" or anything like that.
[ That's what complicates things with people in Chaldea. Even with Mash, there's that mental block she's put up, because look. Ritsuka knows herself. She knows the sort of person she was before Chaldea, and she doesn't think anyone was wrong to not take interest in her before. She hadn't been an interesting person! She's grown a lot! But a lot of that growth is tangled up in this strange position of in-between authority, where it's hard to relax into thinking people might like her for her, and not just her place as Master.
Man, this is heavy. How does she lighten the mood. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[SHE'S DESCRIBING HERSELF . . . SHE'S A ROMANCE HEROINE . . . WHO TALKS ABOUT HOW SHE'S PLAIN BUT COOL DASHING GUYS AND GIRLS THINK SHE'S SUPER HOT . . . RITSUKA . . . PLEASE . . . ]
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[ She's not a romance protagonist, okay, she's no Emiya Shirou with multiple dating routes. There is ONE person who thinks she's hot and has said so to her face without dancing around the issue or leaving it to innuendo and implication, and so there is ONE person that Ritsuka (mostly) accepts that from.
But she does poof up a little, the drink forgotten again. At least it's mostly gone by now. ]
I just want you to take care of yourself, so you can feel better about yourself?!
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[But he deflates some. That's at least a logic that makes sense, even if he doesn't agree with it!]
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[ She's worried about you sometimes, Kadoc. ]
Forget the stuff about dating anyone or whatever. You deserve feeling good about something about yourself.
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[He looks at her, in the dim twilight, drinking that drink . . . he feels good about that, yeah. But Douxie was right about him withholding something of this from himself and Ritsuka both by being this way about it, all evasive and dodgy. He could tell her now, but he can't bring himself to. What if it doesn't work? What if he says it and then tomorrow it's obvious it was a failure? He can't.]
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[ She softens a little with the admission. There's something oddly comforting about talking to someone who is self-aware in a lot of the same ways she is: usually aware of a problem, willing to admit it, but also... stubborn sometimes to one's own detriment. In light of that, she can't even be annoyed anymore. ]
And sometimes, even if you don't care about it that much, it's still nice. Like the looks thing--I don't really care, either, but I still like feeling like I look good for once.
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[SHE'S DOING IT! SHE THINKS SHE'S NOT HOT! God! How can she be so dumb about some things!]
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I'm not a romance heroine, though? I'm more like an action protagonist or something. I hate the fact that I have to acknowledge being a protagonist at all?
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1/2
[ There's a long pause as she blinks at him, slow and bemused, like he's suddenly stopped speaking in a language she understands. What. What? ]
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It's definitely obvious the moment she actually processes it; her face goes red, and she makes a little sputtering sound, clearly confused. ]
I, wh, that's--I-I'm not saying I can't be cute! I can, when I try! But that's the point--sometimes I do try, because I want to feel like that! And it's nice!
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[It's easier to latch onto that than respond to anything else about this—the fact that he's embarrassed that he went and said that much and she apparently didn't even need to hear it or care or mean that, while at the same time, she seems to not understand somehow that she doesn't need to try to be cute?! But he can't say that! That's going too far! He can't just shower her with embarrassing praise, the amount he already gave was bad enough!]
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[ He has to know, right? He can't actually not understand, when he'd been talking like he had just a moment ago, right?! Ahhhhhhh!! Even if she can't see her own face, she can take a guess, with how hot it feels right now. ]
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[ HE CAN'T ESCAPE THAT. SHE NOTICED, AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM, ]
You're the one who told me to apply romance heroine logic to myself, but that doesn't even make sense?!
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[Actually he called her hot, and he considers correcting that, but like hell he's doing that.]
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For one, I'm not a romance heroine! I don't have a bunch of people vying for my attention or anything like that. Not like that.
[ What he doesn't know about the weird relationship dynamics in Chaldea won't hurt her. ]
I'm just... me. Akira-kun's the first guy who took interest.
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[Though he does have his suspicions about Chaldea and all. If nothing else, it's incredibly obvious Mash is in love with her. But he'll keep that to himself. And beyond that, who knows? He's seen how people react to her. It's not unheard of for it to be romantic, even if no one actually came out and said anything. In fact—]
Take it from a guy who never said shit to the girl he liked . . . you not knowing doesn't mean it's never happened. You can't convince me otherwise when I've lived it myself. I play plenty of cards right up against my chest, and I'm not the only one like that. But it seriously doesn't matter. I'm not gonna convince you, and you're not gonna convince me. I'm just pointing out the similarities in what you said about yourself and what you said about the games you play.
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[ Well now it's sad. She hadn't been lying, when she'd said she'd noticed the tenor of the closeness between Kadoc and Anastasia. And even if she understands that there will always be something transient in a relationship with a Servant, it's still sad. It's still a thing she helped end, and even if she doesn't regret the necessity of it, she can regret that it left things unresolved for him. Oof.
She hunches her shoulders up a little, drumming her fingers on the cup. ]
...If it happened, the fact is still--I can only act on the stuff I know about, right? Even if it was just to turn someone down. I can't even think about what I'd do one way or another if no one tells me anything.
[ There's an argument to be made for a bigger picture, how much responsibility she does and doesn't have to know about how mage society works in conjunction with her work as Chaldea's Master, but for this? For relationships with others? She'll definitely argue her point there. ]
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[Okay so maybe this got that into the weeds because it's directly relevant to their current situation, which she doesn't know about, because he's not telling her, which is the source of this conversation, and
Ha ha. He rests his chin on his knee.]
Whatever. You don't need to listen to all my bullshit. All I'm trying to say is that you're right, and also that it doesn't reflect on you at all. Other people holding back is all about them. It's a selfish act.
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I'm listening because I think you've got good points. You don't have to defend everything you say, you know?
[ After saying that, though, she sighs, scrubbing a hand through her hair briefly. She still hasn't found a replacement scrunchie, so it's just a bit of a mess around her face. ]
But it's just... hard to know what other people think about you if they don't say anything, you know? You can guess, sure, but... when it comes to something like this, I don't feel good about guessing. I'd rather assume no interest unless told otherwise.
And I guess that counts for what people think about how I look, too. It's been like... Akira-kun, or a guy who treats me like his little sister. People who think I'm just, I don't know, small and cute. That's not really the same as being attractive, you know?
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[He lets out a raw little laugh, watching her through his bangs, hanging into his face where his cheek rests on his propped up knee.]
Sorry. This is the last kinda thing I know how to handle. It's not like I think you're doing the wrong thing, either. Taking things at face value is exactly what you should be doing. You might be wrong about things sometimes, but it's entirely on the other person, not on you. Evasive assholes like me never learn if we just get away with it. And reading too much into what everyone says is how you end up paranoid.
. . . At the same time, it's just reality that no one says everything they think, whether it's about a girl's looks or anything else. So it is what it is.
Obviously your conventionally hot boyfriend thinks you're not giving yourself enough credit.
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Akira-kun gives me a lot of credit. Even when I don't really get why.
But... he does, and that means a lot to me. I think, maybe, he's the first person who's really done that for me, not--you know. "The Master of Chaldea" or anything like that.
[ That's what complicates things with people in Chaldea. Even with Mash, there's that mental block she's put up, because look. Ritsuka knows herself. She knows the sort of person she was before Chaldea, and she doesn't think anyone was wrong to not take interest in her before. She hadn't been an interesting person! She's grown a lot! But a lot of that growth is tangled up in this strange position of in-between authority, where it's hard to relax into thinking people might like her for her, and not just her place as Master.
Man, this is heavy. How does she lighten the mood. ]
...so, you think he's hot, huh?
[ NAILED IT. ]
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He knew this would happen if he said that!! Even though he answers very flatly and casually, he is still a little pink-eared about it.]
He's obviously conventionally attractive. It's not like I'm unaware of that.
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[ Her shoulders relax a little. If he's going to be annoyed at her, at least let it be because of something lighter than they were headed. ]
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