[He lets out a surprised laugh, tinged with much more than just humor. God, what a hilarious, twisted accidental counterpoint that makes to his own musings. This is truly the difference between them, for as much as they have in common: Kirschtaria Wodime, to Fujimaru, is just that guy. It's not even like Kadoc doesn't get why. It's just as fucking alien as that creepy silent priestess.
But Wodime's not the point. The whole point, in fact, is that he isn't the point. He wasn't among those chosen by this system, however it does that. Kadoc picks off a chunk of his bread bowl to dip into the soup, mulling on that one now too, not for the first time.]
. . . You know, I knew you'd show up here. I dunno if I mentioned that before. It felt more and more inevitable every month. Not because you're exceptional, though. This place doesn't discriminate about that. That should be obvious by the fact that I'm here myself.
Have you looked at his name? There's so many vowels.
[ That's not actually the point, but look. The only member of Team A that has any sort of reasonable, normal name in Ritsuka's opinion had been Hinako, and with her true identity... well, "Yu Mei-ran" isn't so bad either, but it's still a thing! It's still an issue with the rest of them! Even Kadoc Zemlupus isn't exactly a name she instinctively knew how to pronounce.
But he is just a guy to Ritsuka. No matter how powerful he might be, no matter how lauded, in the end, he's her enemy. There's no way he can be as terrifying as Beast I; in the end, Kirschtaria Wodime is just a man.
It takes her a second to catch up with the fact that Kadoc has said something else, but even when it registers, her expression doesn't change: something both deadpan and confused at the same time. ]
...? What's that supposed to mean? Not the bit about you downtalking yourself, we can come back to that. The first part.
[There is no need to revisit his negativity! At least the sniping breaks the tension some. He shoves a soupy bread in his mouth; it's good soup today. He's going to have to come back to this place, huh? But once that's politely eaten, fine, he can address the rest:]
It was just a feeling. Gareth and I arrived here at the same time, six months ago, and at the time, she was the only Servant or otherwise from Chaldea here. Everyone else was from an alternative timeline version of the Fuyuki Singularity you dealt with in your first trial as humanity's last Master.
[The one he was supposed to deal with. He swishes his bread in his soup again.]
But since then, Servants have been showing up in a pretty steady stream. I dunno how the summoning works here—trust me, I've wondered endlessly how they bring us here and why they choose the people they do, if they have any choice at all. But regardless of the mechanism? They were dipping into Chaldea's reserves. It just felt inevitable you were on your way.
[ They might not, but he's said it. Ritsuka will remember this. ]
Yeah, I've met a couple of them. It's been a little weird, but... I mean, the weirdest part is that one of them definitely recognized me, but like... a guy me? So he's technically one of mine, but also technically not.
[ And it's been weird! She's been mulling over that off and on ever since she found out! Now it's no longer a matter of do you know who I am? if another Servant appears; it's got to be do you know who I am? this specific version of me? Wild. She picks idly at the crumbs on her own plate, more for something to do with her hands as she considers. ]
I dunno. It's not even like I disagree, but stuff like this usually happens for a more stupid reason. Someone touched something they shouldn't have, or pushed a button marked "don't," and then it's like oops! Send Ritsuka in to clean it up.
But I think you've got a weird idea of who I am, if that's what you think of me. Everything I did, I did with a lot of help.
[ Even if, at the very end, she'd been completely alone. Even now, years later, she still sometimes wakes up with nightmares of that moment--the instant of staring at the shield standing tall amidst the melted slag, and looking past that to the Beast and knowing no one would be coming to save her. There's a flicker of that in her expression now, a strained sort of old hurt that she isn't aware of herself. ]
[Wait, a guy her? What? Kadoc stops chewing for a moment when she says that, lifting his head from his bowl to fix her with a confused stare, but his mouth is too full to say anything about it; he keeps it in his head to ask about immediately when he's done. Immediately!
Except not, because actually, there are relevant topics happening here that aren't just the weirdness of an alternate universe with a male Fujimaru who's still Fujimaru. It turns out that can wait for a time. By the time Kadoc swallows, he's got plenty to say on the topic of Humanity's Last Master here.]
You're creating a false dichotomy if that's how you're thinking of it. I never said you didn't have help. Trust me, I know. The way you guys ended up using the Chaldea summoning system, all the shit you had to go through to come out alive on the other side—that stuff's totally alien to me, but I at least know what it means to be a Master with a Servant, backed up by the staff and anyone else you could scrape together onto your side in each Singularity. You should know I get it. . . . That doesn't mean you're still not the person who saved the world in a sense. Be realistic already instead of just spouting humble platitudes.
It's not a false platitude, it's how I really think.
[ If they were friends, this would probably be the point where she would kick him, just gently under the table. As it is, she expects it'll just set him off, and since he did buy lunch, she's not going to just (metaphorically) spit in his eye for that.
What she can do is project her annoyance, and that she definitely does. If he didn't notice her slip, that's all that really matters. ]
Realistically speaking, I was the person who was in the right place at the right time. I don't really care about getting the credit or glory or whatever. Everyone keeps getting held up on that part, and meanwhile, I'm here yelling it's just me!
I'm not the humanity's savior or anything big like that... I'm just Ritsuka, and I managed to pull some million-to-one odds. That's all.
[He grumbles and crosses his arms on the table, leaning on them, making a face at her. Why is she so much like this? By now, he can tell she believes it. She honestly thinks this way! They're speaking two different languages here: he is never going to convince her, because she's approaching the question from a different angle than he is, focusing on her own perception and experience when that isn't his point. Kadoc levers one hand up to rub at his face. Ugh indeed. It's not like he wants this to be the world's stupidest fight, but neither can he really let it go when he feels this misunderstood.]
You're not getting what I'm saying on more than one level here. Let's start with this one. I know you can grasp this, because you have even more experience with Servants than I do. You know that how you think isn't the only thing that defines who you are. I'm not talking about whether you think you deserve any credit for saving the world, I'm talking about whether the other people who were there think you do. Are you really telling me no one in Chaldea thinks of you as the Master who pulled it all off?
[ She makes a face back automatically. It's an instinctive little-kid sort of gesture, the desire to give as good as she gets. When it passes, though, she leans back in her own chair, cocking her head.
Does anyone think that? The problem is she's almost never the topic at hand, at least to her own face. There'd been the conversation Mash had overheard, with the staff falsifying her records before the Mage's Association could get their hands on them, but other than that... usually, when she does talk about herself, it's all the small things. Hobbies she had before the end of the world, her time with the volleyball club, favorite foods, books and TV dramas and movies that she'd enjoyed... all those little things. It's nothing to compare to the weight of the Master, or a savior, or anything like that.
If he's looking at her face at all, he'll be able to clearly see the confusion as she mulls through the question. Her voice comes slowly, not quite uncertain, but hesitant. ]
I... don't know? I guess if anyone does, it would be Mash...
[ They're a few years off from a Saito Hajime in Chaldea, telling her in all seriousness that all she needs to do is say the word, and he'd take her and run from all these responsibilities, from everything the world has demanded of her. Right now, Ritsuka still hasn't had much time to process the weight of everything that's happened, but pulls off casual confidence enough that this might very well be the first time she's had this sort of conversation at all.
Huh. ]
Or, I guess, if anyone does, they haven't said anything to me. I've always felt like they care about me, and not, uh, the role that I may have played in anything.
You keep saying things like that when they're not mutually exclusive. It makes it sound like I'm insulting you when I'm not. . . . Trust me, when I am, you'll know. I'm not gonna be subtle about it.
[He's bolder with her than anyone else in that way, though he's not unable to muster some snark even in the faces of people who intimidate him under the right circumstances. But Fujimaru doesn't. If anything, Kadoc would say that he serves as proof that someone can give her credit for her singular role in saving humanity without being cowed by her, or reducing her image to nothing but that of a great hero.
Of course he's watching her face. Now, of all times, he has no trouble making eye contact.]
People can give a shit about you as a person and still acknowledge your role. Or so I hear, anyway.
[ She remembers the lashing out in Russia. She remembers how the insults had felt--things that had both hit home and felt weirdly off, like they weren't really meant for her, even as he was flinging them into her face. Coupled with his earlier self-disparaging comment, she's not so sure she would know for sure.
But right now, Ritsuka meets his gaze evenly, without faltering herself. Even if she's still a little confused, it's the sort of thing she can put aside for the moment. ]
I can only know for sure what people think about me when they say it honestly to my face. I'm sure you're right... but it's just not something that's ever come up.
[Okay, she's got a point. He snorts lightly at the question, and while he doesn't answer it, the little shrug and the sheepish look on his face may indicate that, sure, she might not actually notice after all. Not the point!!!
Either way. He does want to make his second point, but he too doesn't actually want this to be a fight, so his tone is a smidge more gentle when he goes on:]
I just know how people think. The other thing you've gotta keep in mind is that no matter how humble you are about it, you can apply the exact same logic to anyone else it might've been in your position. Everyone out there's got some advantage they'd have happily used to do what needed to be done. No one out there does anything alone with nothing at all to their name. Not even me. . . . I used to think that was my position, but I can easily admit I've got my own set of advantages over you when it comes to being a Master. And I'd have used every one of them I could. Would you refuse to give me credit in your position? Or Wodime—he was born with every advantage imaginable.
[ She's only ever seen Kirschtaria Wodime in photos. There's no way to get an idea of what the guy's presence is like from a single solemn ID image, but she could at least see that his hair was fabulous. Even when paired to his voice, she can't really conceptualize of what he's like as a person. Kadoc trying to emphasize the point doesn't really hit home in that sense--she's always been a better learner by doing, rather than listening to lectures.
Is this what it would have been like, to have Team A as they were, and not rebranded to being the Crypters? Would he be lecturing her like this, regardless of how big and where the gaps in their experiences were, in a world where they were on the same side? It's a what-if they've long passed the event horizon for, but she still can't help but wonder a little.
But even if she doesn't get it the way he's explaining it, she does understand. She wouldn't go as far as to say she knows how people think, but she's at least better at it than she was, not so long ago. ]
But okay, okay, fair point. It's just not something I've had time to think about, I guess.
[He huffs into his coffee at the model hair joke. Obviously not! And yet it's not like Kadoc's never noticed that the princely Wodime was also blessed with perfect good looks on top of everything else he has going for him. It's almost laughable, really. And it's definitely laughable to think that was the first thing Fujimaru reached for, but it was probably just a joke, and the thought of arguing it bores the shit out of Kadoc before he even begins. Just imagine the world where he has a whole conversation with her about actually he comes from an ancient bloodline and his magic circuits are beyond compare and—ugh.
She deserves a half-joking warning, though.]
Don't go setting foot into his Lostbelt if that's all you think he's got going for him.
[But that aside.]
At this point, I don't even remember how we got on this in the first place. I just can't stand listening to you be so humble.
[ And she doesn't really consider humble as one of her baseline qualities. Laid back fits better, in her opinion, or maybe lazy if someone felt like being overly harsh. Her plate is empty now, but she's still picking idly at the crumbs, looking at him with a gently bemused curiosity. ]
If you understand how people think, then I guess--is this really that weird to you? That I think this way?
[ Maybe it is. Maybe that's one of those inherent gaps between being a magus and being someone who just sort of walked into something on accident. Not too long ago, the greatest destiny she could have imagined for herself was getting herself together enough to be a doctor, like her mother wanted. And now she's been running nonstop for over three years, desperately trying to catch a hundred falling pieces at once. ]
[He says this flatly, though not without some dry humor, popping another piece of soaked bread into his mouth. No point lying about it, even if it is embarrassing for someone who does pride himself on understanding human nature and the way people think. Perhaps . . . he is not as good at that as he thought. He clearly has a lot to learn about Ritsuka specifically!
He washes down his bite with some more coffee—it's cool enough by now to swig rather than sip—and he isn't smiling at her, but neither is his expression particularly harsh.]
Might as well be open about that. But the issue isn't entirely me not getting how you think. It's you not getting how mages think. . . . Not that that's much of an issue anymore, huh? Here we are. This place couldn't be more different from home.
[ There's a lot about this city that feels so familiar to home--as much as she can really think of Japan as "home," anymore. Sometimes, she thinks about the sinking feeling that had come when she'd thought she would be going back, before everything had gone wrong again, and then she puts it aside to think about some other time. (Maybe never.)
But she gives him another quizzical look, cocking her head. ]
It's not like I don't completely get how mages think, but... I dunno. I guess it's just, when it comes to stuff like that, I don't let what other people think change my mind. I'll listen about when I'm wrong and stuff, but--when it's subjective, you've gotta tell me more than just, "everyone thinks this, this is just the way the world is, so you should agree."
[ That seems very straightforward to her, but maybe she's the weird one after all... ]
[It makes sense, when she says that straightforwardly. Of course she thinks that way, and of course she isn't wrong. It's an admirable trait; he can admit that. But it also wasn't his point, and she's coming at this as if it were, and there's the issue. Kadoc leans on his elbow, pushing his bread bowl a little out of the way; he managed to eat more than half of it!]
I'm not telling you you should agree, or change how you think about yourself. I'm just telling you you should be aware not everyone's gonna see you that way, and they're gonna come at it the same way you just did. What you think of yourself won't change anyone's mind when it comes to what they think of you.
No one here really knows what I've done except the people who already know me.
[ She shrugs a little, and without really thinking about it--he pushed it away! he's not making any indication of saving it for later!--she reaches out to pull a little piece of the bread bowl for herself. ]
The Servants from Chaldea, obviously... the others have recognized me, but I don't think they really know what it's like.
And then there's you.
[ And then there's him. He'd made it a point so quickly to bring up the "truce" he has with Chaldea here, which Ritsuka doesn't entirely understand, either. Hadn't he already agreed to work with them? Wasn't he already, technically, on their side? And he's telling her that he believed she'd be the sort of person to be pulled here, but also...
Also, he doesn't really like her, does he? This is just as likely the kindness that both Da Vinci and Mash had mentioned about him, no matter how much he might deny it. ]
[Kadoc watches her take a piece to eat without saying anything about it either way. He both kinda can't believe she did that, and fully expected her to do that, at the same time. Which is not too far off from his overall impression of Fujimaru, honestly.]
Yeah. I mean, I wasn't talking about here, anyway, which I guess means the whole thing was just a tangent. This is the situation we're in now, for the foreseeable future. . . . Obviously no one here really knows what I've done either. I'd be received much differently if they did. Medea knows, but that's it, except you guys.
[He isn't hungry anymore, but now he wants something to idly pick at, too, so he snatches another chunk of bread from the other side of the bowl. Is this what mindless snacking is all about? Is that how that starts? He's never been that person!]
[ Between the two of them, they can probably actually finish this bowl. Even if Kadoc doesn't look quite like he's on the verge of keeling over, the way he had when she'd last seen him, there's a part of Ritsuka that still approves. Her love-language is probably best defined as acts of service, and even if she doesn't really like the guy yet--she knows herself well enough to know that it's a yet--she does want him to continue on this apparently-healthier path. ]
I guess this is just my practice run for when I go back to Japan.
[ When, and not if. Because he was right: she does fully believe she will, someday, because that's her only path forward. ]
Between you and me, though, I'm not planning on telling anyone except for the big picture details. Maybe that's just me trying to control what people think about me... but I really don't think it's worth it, either.
[He lets out a little heh type noise around his bread at the comment about going back to Japan. But the truth is, the thought of her winning everything, saving Proper Human History, somehow resetting everything so it all goes back to the way it was and everything's fine and dandy—that's more plausible to him than the thought of Fujimaru going back to Japan to live a normal, non-magical life after this, in which she remembers everything but tells no one anything. Now that's a laugh. Kadoc can hardly conceive the thought. Would they even let her do that? Surely not; she'll have to have her memory erased or something if she plans on rejoining normal human society with the kind of knowledge she has. Right? But would she even want that? Wouldn't she yearn for the truth she knew was out there?
He can't imagine just being content to go back to normal.
But here, it's a different story.]
I don't either, but maybe that was already clear. I'm not gonna be casual about it. No one needs to hear my sob story, or my villain origin story, or however you wanna think about it. It'll help no one to make it public. Some people get real chatty on the network about what they've been through, but it's just . . . talk. We're all from our own circumstances here. Mine don't mean anything to anyone but me.
[ There'd been a point, once upon a time, where Ritsuka would have said she would have been content with that choice--maybe wistful that she couldn't have stayed, or regretful of the bonds she'd have to let go, but still content. Now is an entirely different story, but that's neither here nor there. It can be something to debate later. ]
It means something to me.
[ After all, in a very real way, his circumstances directly changed hers. He wasn't the only actor in that, and hardly the driving force that led to where Ritsuka was before she came to this Camelot... but it's still true.
And also, if he's observed even half as much as he's implied to have seen, then he must know some of how Ritsuka operates. It doesn't matter if someone was trying to kill her only days ago; if they're on the same side now, she's willing to work with them.
It's just that this time, the other person also remembers their history. ]
I know that's not the point you're trying to make. But it does.
[He should have expected she'd say it. Someday he'll learn to brace himself for these things she always says. It doesn't surprise him that she did, but he still didn't actually think she would, and now he's hardly sure how to respond, peering at her over the last of his coffee. But he knows this at least: that it wasn't the point.
She knows too, at least.]
. . . Besides, it's an obvious statement anyway. Our histories are intertwined, like it or not. You know, your Chaldean Servants have been pretty accepting of me, but none of them were there. They don't really know what they're holding out a hand to when they accept truce.
[ Or, perhaps more accurately, that's how Ritsuka works. In spite of her stance in the argument they've just had, she does know that the Servants do look to her for an example of how to respond to things... and time and again, she has always done the same thing. And here she is now, again: different verse, same story.
Saving the world isn't an individual thing; that's something she has known since the very beginning. ]
Especially here... why fight on multiple fronts? That's just pointlessly wearing yourself out.
I'd rather be friends with someone than fight them.
You've got this way of sounding both like a completely naive idealist and like a strict pragmatist at the same time. I wonder how you pull that off? Maybe that's your secret. Damn . . . I dunno. I'll probably never know. I'm just thinking out loud.
[He's not even upset about it. Interesting. She frustrates him, yeah, and it doesn't feel great feeling certain they'll never understand one another, but at least in this, there's no bitterness. It's probably annoying to her that he picks at her idly like this . . . he has mixed feelings about that, but it's not stopping him from doing it, apparently.
An idealistic pragmatist. Maybe that really is the secret of having gotten as far as she has, even knowing what horrors she's committing, and being able to look him in the eye even knowing the same about him.
He finishes his coffee, and grabs one more bite of bread.]
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fujimaru
no subject
Date: 2021-09-12 08:44 pm (UTC)[He lets out a surprised laugh, tinged with much more than just humor. God, what a hilarious, twisted accidental counterpoint that makes to his own musings. This is truly the difference between them, for as much as they have in common: Kirschtaria Wodime, to Fujimaru, is just that guy. It's not even like Kadoc doesn't get why. It's just as fucking alien as that creepy silent priestess.
But Wodime's not the point. The whole point, in fact, is that he isn't the point. He wasn't among those chosen by this system, however it does that. Kadoc picks off a chunk of his bread bowl to dip into the soup, mulling on that one now too, not for the first time.]
. . . You know, I knew you'd show up here. I dunno if I mentioned that before. It felt more and more inevitable every month. Not because you're exceptional, though. This place doesn't discriminate about that. That should be obvious by the fact that I'm here myself.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-12 09:01 pm (UTC)[ That's not actually the point, but look. The only member of Team A that has any sort of reasonable, normal name in Ritsuka's opinion had been Hinako, and with her true identity... well, "Yu Mei-ran" isn't so bad either, but it's still a thing! It's still an issue with the rest of them! Even Kadoc Zemlupus isn't exactly a name she instinctively knew how to pronounce.
But he is just a guy to Ritsuka. No matter how powerful he might be, no matter how lauded, in the end, he's her enemy. There's no way he can be as terrifying as Beast I; in the end, Kirschtaria Wodime is just a man.
It takes her a second to catch up with the fact that Kadoc has said something else, but even when it registers, her expression doesn't change: something both deadpan and confused at the same time. ]
...? What's that supposed to mean? Not the bit about you downtalking yourself, we can come back to that. The first part.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-13 05:03 am (UTC)[There is no need to revisit his negativity! At least the sniping breaks the tension some. He shoves a soupy bread in his mouth; it's good soup today. He's going to have to come back to this place, huh? But once that's politely eaten, fine, he can address the rest:]
It was just a feeling. Gareth and I arrived here at the same time, six months ago, and at the time, she was the only Servant or otherwise from Chaldea here. Everyone else was from an alternative timeline version of the Fuyuki Singularity you dealt with in your first trial as humanity's last Master.
[The one he was supposed to deal with. He swishes his bread in his soup again.]
But since then, Servants have been showing up in a pretty steady stream. I dunno how the summoning works here—trust me, I've wondered endlessly how they bring us here and why they choose the people they do, if they have any choice at all. But regardless of the mechanism? They were dipping into Chaldea's reserves. It just felt inevitable you were on your way.
You're the World Saver and all.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-13 05:14 am (UTC)[ They might not, but he's said it. Ritsuka will remember this. ]
Yeah, I've met a couple of them. It's been a little weird, but... I mean, the weirdest part is that one of them definitely recognized me, but like... a guy me? So he's technically one of mine, but also technically not.
[ And it's been weird! She's been mulling over that off and on ever since she found out! Now it's no longer a matter of do you know who I am? if another Servant appears; it's got to be do you know who I am? this specific version of me? Wild. She picks idly at the crumbs on her own plate, more for something to do with her hands as she considers. ]
I dunno. It's not even like I disagree, but stuff like this usually happens for a more stupid reason. Someone touched something they shouldn't have, or pushed a button marked "don't," and then it's like oops! Send Ritsuka in to clean it up.
But I think you've got a weird idea of who I am, if that's what you think of me. Everything I did, I did with a lot of help.
[ Even if, at the very end, she'd been completely alone. Even now, years later, she still sometimes wakes up with nightmares of that moment--the instant of staring at the shield standing tall amidst the melted slag, and looking past that to the Beast and knowing no one would be coming to save her. There's a flicker of that in her expression now, a strained sort of old hurt that she isn't aware of herself. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-09-14 12:28 am (UTC)Except not, because actually, there are relevant topics happening here that aren't just the weirdness of an alternate universe with a male Fujimaru who's still Fujimaru. It turns out that can wait for a time. By the time Kadoc swallows, he's got plenty to say on the topic of Humanity's Last Master here.]
You're creating a false dichotomy if that's how you're thinking of it. I never said you didn't have help. Trust me, I know. The way you guys ended up using the Chaldea summoning system, all the shit you had to go through to come out alive on the other side—that stuff's totally alien to me, but I at least know what it means to be a Master with a Servant, backed up by the staff and anyone else you could scrape together onto your side in each Singularity. You should know I get it. . . . That doesn't mean you're still not the person who saved the world in a sense. Be realistic already instead of just spouting humble platitudes.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-14 12:57 am (UTC)[ If they were friends, this would probably be the point where she would kick him, just gently under the table. As it is, she expects it'll just set him off, and since he did buy lunch, she's not going to just (metaphorically) spit in his eye for that.
What she can do is project her annoyance, and that she definitely does. If he didn't notice her slip, that's all that really matters. ]
Realistically speaking, I was the person who was in the right place at the right time. I don't really care about getting the credit or glory or whatever. Everyone keeps getting held up on that part, and meanwhile, I'm here yelling it's just me!
I'm not the humanity's savior or anything big like that... I'm just Ritsuka, and I managed to pull some million-to-one odds. That's all.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-18 04:59 am (UTC)[He grumbles and crosses his arms on the table, leaning on them, making a face at her. Why is she so much like this? By now, he can tell she believes it. She honestly thinks this way! They're speaking two different languages here: he is never going to convince her, because she's approaching the question from a different angle than he is, focusing on her own perception and experience when that isn't his point. Kadoc levers one hand up to rub at his face. Ugh indeed. It's not like he wants this to be the world's stupidest fight, but neither can he really let it go when he feels this misunderstood.]
You're not getting what I'm saying on more than one level here. Let's start with this one. I know you can grasp this, because you have even more experience with Servants than I do. You know that how you think isn't the only thing that defines who you are. I'm not talking about whether you think you deserve any credit for saving the world, I'm talking about whether the other people who were there think you do. Are you really telling me no one in Chaldea thinks of you as the Master who pulled it all off?
no subject
Date: 2021-09-18 05:27 am (UTC)Does anyone think that? The problem is she's almost never the topic at hand, at least to her own face. There'd been the conversation Mash had overheard, with the staff falsifying her records before the Mage's Association could get their hands on them, but other than that... usually, when she does talk about herself, it's all the small things. Hobbies she had before the end of the world, her time with the volleyball club, favorite foods, books and TV dramas and movies that she'd enjoyed... all those little things. It's nothing to compare to the weight of the Master, or a savior, or anything like that.
If he's looking at her face at all, he'll be able to clearly see the confusion as she mulls through the question. Her voice comes slowly, not quite uncertain, but hesitant. ]
I... don't know? I guess if anyone does, it would be Mash...
[ They're a few years off from a Saito Hajime in Chaldea, telling her in all seriousness that all she needs to do is say the word, and he'd take her and run from all these responsibilities, from everything the world has demanded of her. Right now, Ritsuka still hasn't had much time to process the weight of everything that's happened, but pulls off casual confidence enough that this might very well be the first time she's had this sort of conversation at all.
Huh. ]
Or, I guess, if anyone does, they haven't said anything to me. I've always felt like they care about me, and not, uh, the role that I may have played in anything.
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Date: 2021-09-19 03:20 am (UTC)[He's bolder with her than anyone else in that way, though he's not unable to muster some snark even in the faces of people who intimidate him under the right circumstances. But Fujimaru doesn't. If anything, Kadoc would say that he serves as proof that someone can give her credit for her singular role in saving humanity without being cowed by her, or reducing her image to nothing but that of a great hero.
Of course he's watching her face. Now, of all times, he has no trouble making eye contact.]
People can give a shit about you as a person and still acknowledge your role. Or so I hear, anyway.
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Date: 2021-09-19 03:40 am (UTC)[ She remembers the lashing out in Russia. She remembers how the insults had felt--things that had both hit home and felt weirdly off, like they weren't really meant for her, even as he was flinging them into her face. Coupled with his earlier self-disparaging comment, she's not so sure she would know for sure.
But right now, Ritsuka meets his gaze evenly, without faltering herself. Even if she's still a little confused, it's the sort of thing she can put aside for the moment. ]
I can only know for sure what people think about me when they say it honestly to my face. I'm sure you're right... but it's just not something that's ever come up.
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Date: 2021-09-19 11:04 pm (UTC)Either way. He does want to make his second point, but he too doesn't actually want this to be a fight, so his tone is a smidge more gentle when he goes on:]
I just know how people think. The other thing you've gotta keep in mind is that no matter how humble you are about it, you can apply the exact same logic to anyone else it might've been in your position. Everyone out there's got some advantage they'd have happily used to do what needed to be done. No one out there does anything alone with nothing at all to their name. Not even me. . . . I used to think that was my position, but I can easily admit I've got my own set of advantages over you when it comes to being a Master. And I'd have used every one of them I could. Would you refuse to give me credit in your position? Or Wodime—he was born with every advantage imaginable.
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Date: 2021-09-20 12:06 am (UTC)[ She's only ever seen Kirschtaria Wodime in photos. There's no way to get an idea of what the guy's presence is like from a single solemn ID image, but she could at least see that his hair was fabulous. Even when paired to his voice, she can't really conceptualize of what he's like as a person. Kadoc trying to emphasize the point doesn't really hit home in that sense--she's always been a better learner by doing, rather than listening to lectures.
Is this what it would have been like, to have Team A as they were, and not rebranded to being the Crypters? Would he be lecturing her like this, regardless of how big and where the gaps in their experiences were, in a world where they were on the same side? It's a what-if they've long passed the event horizon for, but she still can't help but wonder a little.
But even if she doesn't get it the way he's explaining it, she does understand. She wouldn't go as far as to say she knows how people think, but she's at least better at it than she was, not so long ago. ]
But okay, okay, fair point. It's just not something I've had time to think about, I guess.
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Date: 2021-09-20 05:02 am (UTC)She deserves a half-joking warning, though.]
Don't go setting foot into his Lostbelt if that's all you think he's got going for him.
[But that aside.]
At this point, I don't even remember how we got on this in the first place. I just can't stand listening to you be so humble.
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Date: 2021-09-20 04:44 pm (UTC)[ And she doesn't really consider humble as one of her baseline qualities. Laid back fits better, in her opinion, or maybe lazy if someone felt like being overly harsh. Her plate is empty now, but she's still picking idly at the crumbs, looking at him with a gently bemused curiosity. ]
If you understand how people think, then I guess--is this really that weird to you? That I think this way?
[ Maybe it is. Maybe that's one of those inherent gaps between being a magus and being someone who just sort of walked into something on accident. Not too long ago, the greatest destiny she could have imagined for herself was getting herself together enough to be a doctor, like her mother wanted. And now she's been running nonstop for over three years, desperately trying to catch a hundred falling pieces at once. ]
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Date: 2021-09-21 02:53 am (UTC)[He says this flatly, though not without some dry humor, popping another piece of soaked bread into his mouth. No point lying about it, even if it is embarrassing for someone who does pride himself on understanding human nature and the way people think. Perhaps . . . he is not as good at that as he thought. He clearly has a lot to learn about Ritsuka specifically!
He washes down his bite with some more coffee—it's cool enough by now to swig rather than sip—and he isn't smiling at her, but neither is his expression particularly harsh.]
Might as well be open about that. But the issue isn't entirely me not getting how you think. It's you not getting how mages think. . . . Not that that's much of an issue anymore, huh? Here we are. This place couldn't be more different from home.
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Date: 2021-09-21 03:25 am (UTC)[ There's a lot about this city that feels so familiar to home--as much as she can really think of Japan as "home," anymore. Sometimes, she thinks about the sinking feeling that had come when she'd thought she would be going back, before everything had gone wrong again, and then she puts it aside to think about some other time. (Maybe never.)
But she gives him another quizzical look, cocking her head. ]
It's not like I don't completely get how mages think, but... I dunno. I guess it's just, when it comes to stuff like that, I don't let what other people think change my mind. I'll listen about when I'm wrong and stuff, but--when it's subjective, you've gotta tell me more than just, "everyone thinks this, this is just the way the world is, so you should agree."
[ That seems very straightforward to her, but maybe she's the weird one after all... ]
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Date: 2021-09-24 03:04 am (UTC)[It makes sense, when she says that straightforwardly. Of course she thinks that way, and of course she isn't wrong. It's an admirable trait; he can admit that. But it also wasn't his point, and she's coming at this as if it were, and there's the issue. Kadoc leans on his elbow, pushing his bread bowl a little out of the way; he managed to eat more than half of it!]
I'm not telling you you should agree, or change how you think about yourself. I'm just telling you you should be aware not everyone's gonna see you that way, and they're gonna come at it the same way you just did. What you think of yourself won't change anyone's mind when it comes to what they think of you.
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Date: 2021-09-24 03:42 am (UTC)[ She shrugs a little, and without really thinking about it--he pushed it away! he's not making any indication of saving it for later!--she reaches out to pull a little piece of the bread bowl for herself. ]
The Servants from Chaldea, obviously... the others have recognized me, but I don't think they really know what it's like.
And then there's you.
[ And then there's him. He'd made it a point so quickly to bring up the "truce" he has with Chaldea here, which Ritsuka doesn't entirely understand, either. Hadn't he already agreed to work with them? Wasn't he already, technically, on their side? And he's telling her that he believed she'd be the sort of person to be pulled here, but also...
Also, he doesn't really like her, does he? This is just as likely the kindness that both Da Vinci and Mash had mentioned about him, no matter how much he might deny it. ]
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Date: 2021-09-25 05:19 am (UTC)Yeah. I mean, I wasn't talking about here, anyway, which I guess means the whole thing was just a tangent. This is the situation we're in now, for the foreseeable future. . . . Obviously no one here really knows what I've done either. I'd be received much differently if they did. Medea knows, but that's it, except you guys.
[He isn't hungry anymore, but now he wants something to idly pick at, too, so he snatches another chunk of bread from the other side of the bowl. Is this what mindless snacking is all about? Is that how that starts? He's never been that person!]
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Date: 2021-09-25 06:23 pm (UTC)I guess this is just my practice run for when I go back to Japan.
[ When, and not if. Because he was right: she does fully believe she will, someday, because that's her only path forward. ]
Between you and me, though, I'm not planning on telling anyone except for the big picture details. Maybe that's just me trying to control what people think about me... but I really don't think it's worth it, either.
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Date: 2021-09-29 04:24 am (UTC)He can't imagine just being content to go back to normal.
But here, it's a different story.]
I don't either, but maybe that was already clear. I'm not gonna be casual about it. No one needs to hear my sob story, or my villain origin story, or however you wanna think about it. It'll help no one to make it public. Some people get real chatty on the network about what they've been through, but it's just . . . talk. We're all from our own circumstances here. Mine don't mean anything to anyone but me.
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Date: 2021-09-29 04:54 am (UTC)It means something to me.
[ After all, in a very real way, his circumstances directly changed hers. He wasn't the only actor in that, and hardly the driving force that led to where Ritsuka was before she came to this Camelot... but it's still true.
And also, if he's observed even half as much as he's implied to have seen, then he must know some of how Ritsuka operates. It doesn't matter if someone was trying to kill her only days ago; if they're on the same side now, she's willing to work with them.
It's just that this time, the other person also remembers their history. ]
I know that's not the point you're trying to make. But it does.
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Date: 2021-10-03 03:14 am (UTC)[He should have expected she'd say it. Someday he'll learn to brace himself for these things she always says. It doesn't surprise him that she did, but he still didn't actually think she would, and now he's hardly sure how to respond, peering at her over the last of his coffee. But he knows this at least: that it wasn't the point.
She knows too, at least.]
. . . Besides, it's an obvious statement anyway. Our histories are intertwined, like it or not. You know, your Chaldean Servants have been pretty accepting of me, but none of them were there. They don't really know what they're holding out a hand to when they accept truce.
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Date: 2021-10-03 04:22 am (UTC)[ Or, perhaps more accurately, that's how Ritsuka works. In spite of her stance in the argument they've just had, she does know that the Servants do look to her for an example of how to respond to things... and time and again, she has always done the same thing. And here she is now, again: different verse, same story.
Saving the world isn't an individual thing; that's something she has known since the very beginning. ]
Especially here... why fight on multiple fronts? That's just pointlessly wearing yourself out.
I'd rather be friends with someone than fight them.
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Date: 2021-10-04 03:32 am (UTC)[He's not even upset about it. Interesting. She frustrates him, yeah, and it doesn't feel great feeling certain they'll never understand one another, but at least in this, there's no bitterness. It's probably annoying to her that he picks at her idly like this . . . he has mixed feelings about that, but it's not stopping him from doing it, apparently.
An idealistic pragmatist. Maybe that really is the secret of having gotten as far as she has, even knowing what horrors she's committing, and being able to look him in the eye even knowing the same about him.
He finishes his coffee, and grabs one more bite of bread.]
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