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[fujimaru]

Ritsuka Fujimaru | 藤丸 立香
19(?) / F / Who knows!!

This is Ritsuka! Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

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[impostorsyndrome]

Who the hell is saying something like that to you . . . and "not in a mean way"?

[Soothing accomplished. He knows he's overreacting and embarrassing himself, so he takes a breath, squeezing her hand back lightly with a press of his fingers. But still! Who's saying that to her, huh?!]

[fujimaru]

Most Servants, at least at first...

[ It is what it is. Ritsuka has long stopped caring about that. It had never really bothered her much to begin with--she's always had a reputation for being easygoing among her peers--and now it just feels like a rote hurdle to overcome. Even some of the friendlier Servants are disbelieving about her general attitude when they're first summoned to Chaldea. ]

They just don't believe that someone is willing and interested to get to know them as people, you know? I just do my best to prove it by my actions, and that takes time. I can't blame them for it.

[impostorsyndrome]

That's a totally different issue.

[He gives her a flat look. But the effect is maybe just a little ruined by him gently swinging their hands back and forth as they walk. He isn't even really aware he's doing it; it happens naturally, because despite playing devil's advocate here, Kadoc's feeling more and more comfortable with the reality of walking down the street hand-in-hand with her and chatting.]

They think you're easy just because you're not an ass to them?

[fujimaru]

It happens more often than you'd think.

[ He might not be very aware of what's going on with their hands, but Ritsuka is. Oh boy, she very much is. It's such a small everyday cute thing to do, and it's the exact sort of thing she has fantasized about before, with an amorphous Potential Partner. And now it's here! It's happening! ]

Even a lot of the ones who are rough around the edges want kindness. But they don't know how to handle it, once they get it.

[ Like some boys she could mention, ]

[impostorsyndrome]

That feels like a jab at me.

[But a good-natured one, and also one he can't argue with, so his lips twitch into a little smile as he catches her eye. Damn, he really is some cliché kind of guy like that, huh? It's not his fault!!]

[fujimaru]

It's just the truth.

[ She smiles back without hesitation, leaning a little into him. Her hand squeezes his, brief but tight. ]

You've got me now. I'm gonna be nice to you no matter how much you complain.

[impostorsyndrome]

I don't wanna be some huge asshole who doesn't deserve his girlfriend.

[Still hard to wrap his head around that one. Girlfriend!! He has one! Here she is, squeezing his hand! If his hand could blush, he's pretty sure it would be right now. At least it's not all sweaty.]

So I'll try not to complain about something like that.

[fujimaru]

I think a lot of people don't know how to handle people being nice to them. Even I have trouble sometimes.

[ Because it is overwhelming, sometimes, to be the recipient of kindness you don't feel like you deserve, or you've earned, even when you intellectually know and understand the sincerity of it. Ritsuka has experienced that plenty, over her time as Chaldea's Master. ]

But as long as you can try to believe that I mean it, then I'll be happy.

[impostorsyndrome]

Do you really? You sure seem to handle people being shitty to you just fine.

[But he gets it. Of course he does. He's that guy too, the guy who can't handle kindness but is very used to cruelty and has built up his defense mechanisms for that to a much greater extent. It's just hard to imagine Fujimaru as that type, too. Hard, and sad.]

[fujimaru]

I've had a lot of practice.

[ She smiles, lopsided and small, when she says it. It is what it is, these past few years operating as Chaldea's Master. ]

...with Servants, it's easier in some ways. Of course they're gonna judge me. I'm barely a human, and I'm the one "in charge." I've gotten kind of used to it.

[impostorsyndrome]

Barely a human? Are you kidding me?

[He's sarcastic and blunt as usual, but also genuinely surprised, and not just a little. Kadoc's eyes go a little wider as he looks over at her. Seriously? Does she really think of herself that way?!]

[fujimaru]

Yes and no?

[ There's a lopsided little smile on her face, a bit rueful. ]

After all this time... sometimes I wonder if I'm holding onto it at all. I think I am? I hope I am. But sometimes I don't know.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . That's the only time you've even halfway sounded like a mage.

[It hurts a little, seeing her look like that. And it hurts in a different way to feel like he understands exactly what she means, keenly, in a way he didn't realize until now he hoped she'd never have to experience. Truly, Kadoc would not wish the path of a mage on his (former) worst enemy.]

[fujimaru]

I guess after all this time, it's rubbed off on me a little.

[ But as she says this, she squeezes his hand, tilting to lean into him a bit even as they walk. ]

But I don't want to let go of what makes me human, either. Even if it's a struggle, I don't want to let it go.

[impostorsyndrome]

I always thought for someone like you, it'd be the opposite. That you'd never have it in you to cast away your humanity. That's what it takes to be a mage . . . you've probably figured that out by now after everything you've seen. That you'd be struggling to hang onto it instead . . .

[He trails off. What is there to say about it? It's bad. He hates it. That's what it is, and he knows she can hear that already in his voice.]

[fujimaru]

It's not that I want to. I'm not trying. It's just... the past few years have been a lot.

[ Ain't that an understatement. She stops, squeezing his hands harder, trying to catch his eye. ]

But things like this help, you know? Just--having someone who likes me in a normal way. Someone who doesn't have me as "Master" first, whether it's a Servant or someone from the staff. Having people who want to know me and spend time with me just because I'm Ritsuka, and not anything else... that helps a lot.

[impostorsyndrome]

[He does look over, looking slightly flushed, a little vulnerable even though he's not the one spilling about his loneliness and trauma here. But it's the fact that she's choosing to tell him, and that she says he's a force of good against it. Actually helping her. It does make him feel open and exposed for how tender that thought makes him feel.]

. . . The you that's just you deserves everything in the world.

[fujimaru]

[ She goes still for a moment wide-eyed and wide open for a moment. Oh. Has anyone ever told her that? Even the most loyal and dedicated of her Servants have never said anything like that to her before.

After that moment she takes a deep shaky breath, turning fully towards him and leaning in close. ]

That... That means more than you know. Thank you.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . I mean it. Ritsuka . . .

[He wants to ask if he can kiss her, but the words can't make it out just yet. His throat is dry and his heart is pounding, and it feels like all of his body's capabilities are going into that hard pulse in his chest. But he sways forward, just a little. Not close in enough, but enough that he's almost there.]

[fujimaru]

[ This is a Moment, isn't it? She knows, even if this is entirely brand-new to her. Her own heart begins to beat faster as well, especially as he leans in, and she can't help but shift closer as well. It feels more like instinct than deliberate choice to tilt her head up, feeling his breath on her lips. ]

I know. I trust you, Kadoc.

[impostorsyndrome]

That's . . .

[But he doesn't know what to say. It's a lot of things: stupid, maybe. Strange. Not the point. Touching enough to feel like a crushing weight in his chest, aching with tenderness. It's all of that.

So rather than pick one, he finally presses his lips to hers, firmly but carefully.]

[fujimaru]

[ Her eyes flutter shut as he leans in, and she tilts up, lifting just a little on her toes to meet him partway. She's actually holding her breath at the first touch, shivering at the contact. Ah. It does feel good, just this simple gentle moment of contact. This feels more like a first kiss than the forced one at the party, and she likes it so much more as a result. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

[The kiss at the party may as well not exist in this moment. This is the one he had wanted, and been unable to own up to—the one he hadn't even wanted to admit to himself he'd been hoping for that night. She hadn't deserved how shitty he'd been then, but now he can make up for it. Now he can give her the kiss she deserves, gentle and sweet, his hand coming up to curl carefully at the nape of her neck to hold her there. They don't have to rush. Maybe he can even kiss her for as long as he wants, though Kadoc can already tell that might take hours.]

[fujimaru]

[ She hums quietly, a tiny pleased noise caught in the back of her throat. As much as she had still turned the memory of that party kiss over and over in her head, obsessively trying to figure it out from every angle, this absolutely blows that away. She doesn't quite melt into him, but when his hand settles at the back of her neck, she shivers, leaning to let him take just a little more of her weight.

Maybe metaphorically, as well as literally. This feels like a lot to trust him with, and also safe to do so. It feels just as good as the kiss, to allow herself permission to share with someone else. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

[His heart trips heavily in his chest, unable to decide whether he's soothed or excited by this—it's some of both, and it's a complicated feeling. It could be addictive. Kadoc wants to sink into this moment forever, like they're living the climactic scene of some stupid Hallmark romcom where the couple finally shares their first kiss and the music swells around him. And some other part of him wants to drag her back to his place, all the way back to his bedroom, like the climactic scene of . . . some other kind of film. But he can feel the weight of the moment, and of her body settling against him, and it feels important to do this right. He's tentative in touching the seam of her lips with the tip of his tongue—but even that careful contact gets a breathy little sigh from his nose.]