fujimaru | Reverie Inbox

[ She considers a moment, then sinks down to settle next to him. Holding hands is actually pretty nice? It's kind of nice to have associations beyond just "one or both of us are on the brink of death." ]

I dunno... if you can feel it, do you need to talk about it? But also, just leaving them as-is probably won't do any real good, if there's something wrong. I can see the points for doing either.

[ he smiles a little at that, squeezing her hand, amused and charmed in equal measure. ]

To be honest, I'm just curious and nosy, so I'm always tempted to ask you what you're thinking.

[ the emotions just make him want to know even more!! ]

I'm usually thinking about a lot of things. I can think about how I'm worried about people who are sick and wondering if I can find cheese crackers in the canteen the next time I go there at the same time. Stuff like that.

[ That is not the whole of what she is thinking, but those are still things she's thinking about. ]

[ he nods thoughtfully, contemplative and quietly pleased that she's sharing, even if it's just stuff like that. ]

And that's exactly the kind of stuff I like to hear about--serious stuff, but also mundane things. Even if it's a little weird to be interested... I dunno. It's nice.

I don't think it's weird at all. ...I just don't really know where or how to bring things up. Not even 'cause I don't want to, you know? It's just--I do a lot of things without really thinking about them until after.

That's okay too, honestly. I mean, it makes sense.

[ he squeezes her hand in his own, torn between fondness and ruefulness. ]

I don't want you to think I'm nagging at you to talk about what you're thinking more often or anything. I just like it when you do, that's all.

You've never made me feel pressured about anything, Minato-kun.

[ She says that firmly, with utter sincerity, squeezing his hand back. This is something she is firm about, perhaps only a little surprised that he would be worried. ]

It's happened plenty of times. Even people who I know love me and mean well have done it--but never you.

Ah... that's a relief to hear then.

[ he's a little startled by her certainty, but in a touched and grateful sort of way. After all... he likes Ritsuka so, so much exactly as she is--the last thing he ever wants to do is put any sort of pressure on her to change or do something outside of her comfort zone.

A bit more lightly: ]

I wouldn't be a very reliable alternate universe self if I did that sort of thing, after all.

[ She blinks, laughs, and flops down onto her back next to him in the nest pile. This is fine. ]

I dunno, yes and no? Theoretically, if anyone was gonna bully me into doing the hard things, it would be myself. Or another me, as it were.

[ this is very fine. He follows suit, flopping back and covering up a yawn with his free hand. ]

I don't really think you need any bullying for that sort of thing. You just approach things at your own pace sometimes. Nothing wrong with that.

I dunno. Sometimes I think I need it.

[ She tips her head to look at the ceiling, smiling faintly; it's a little tired and rueful, but as complicated as her own feelings are, she's not upset about them. ]

It's not always a bad thing... I think I'm glad for both outcomes. Whether someone pushes me, or whether they don't.

Mmm... I guess it's also a sign of how much someone cares, if they're trying so hard to push you out of your comfort zone.

Yeah... it depends on how they do it, but I've never felt like it wasn't with my best interests in mind.

[ She lifts their joined hands up over their heads, to look at them; she's still calm, more gently amused than anything else. ]

I appreciate how everyone I know deals with me. Is that weird?

I don't think that's weird at all.

[ her amusement matches his--they can be gently amused together, just casually vibing on the bed.

And then, a little teasingly: ]

It means you've reached enlightenment. Buddha levels of zen.

Haha, if only.

[ She sighs, deep and exaggerated, though she feels nowhere near as aggravated as she's acting. ]

If I were, it'd probably be a lot easier for me. I've just learned that there's some people where, even if I yell at them, they're not gonna change.

I think that's kind of a sort of zen all in its own...

[ that's just mumbled though, before he shrugs a bit, squeezing her hand. ]

Are there people like that here, too? Everyone seems pretty easy-going from what I've seen, but I haven't met everyone.

Mmmm... yes and no? It's not something I could just say one way or another and really mean it.

[ It's a thoughtful response, more contemplative than waffling. ]

Even people who act easy-going can be pretty stubborn. There's a metaphor somewhere about bending so you don't break.

[ there's faint, gentle amusement in response to that. He should know, since that probably describes him to a T. ]

I guess I just mean that I can't imagine you having to yell too much at people here. You're also pretty easy-going, you know?

Am I?

[ There's a beat of genuine surprise and curiosity, and she tilts her head to look at him. ]

I mean, I usually feel like I am, but also lately I feel like I've just been mostly... uh. You know.

Stressed out?

[ the amusement lingers, and just becomes more and more fond. ]

That doesn't change the kind of person you are. Besides...

[ he yawns, which turns into a sneeze mid-way. ]

... You've got some pretty good reasons to be stressed out lately.

Do I, though? I feel like it's all been selfish.

[ She's a little rueful, a little self-deprecating at the suggestion. ]

Everyone's been nice to me, and I've just been a mess.

[ his bemusement feels entirely sincere from their connection, as he tilts his head to look at her quizzically. ]

What's wrong with that?

I don't want people worrying about me.

[ She says it quietly, because there is something heavier there--the sort of weight that she can never really shed, and possibly never will. ]

Where I'm going... I'm the one who's chosen it. I know what's probably going to happen, and I've still decided to go through with all of what might happen. But I don't want people to worry, either? I'm not being coerced, and I'm not being tricked. And no one here is going to follow me, so...

[ She shrugs. This is the kind of thing bumping up against a whole huge tangle of emotions that she can't really properly articulate: serenity and resignation and wistfulness and resentment and anger and hope, all of it at once. ]

I should just be glad to have my chances here at all. It feels ungrateful that I don't. And then I just get mad when people try to be nice about it.

[ He's quiet for a long moment, processing that--though he doesn't feel surprised. If anything, there's a faint mix of emotions that he doesn't really bother to try to hold back: concern and sadness and a little bit of nostalgia, especially at the serene resignation she feels. ]

... Mm. That's fair. All of that... those are your feelings about your own situation, and nobody can really understand it like you can.

But what I meant is... I don't think there's anything wrong with being a mess. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling the ways you do, even when they contradict or you don't feel like you should. After all... isn't that the most normal, regular old human part of you?

[ The part of Ritsuka that she's so proud of being, that she won't let people forget about in favor of trying to treat her like she's special--it's that she's a regular human, right? ]

Maybe, but... I don't feel like I'm really handling any of it that well.

[ She sighs; there's a large part of her that wants to argue, but he's not wrong. He's not wrong to point it out, or to push back, no matter how much she instinctively wants to argue. ]

And a lot of my life is pretty reliant on my ability to handle things. It feels a little like letting myself get distracted is going to end up badly back home.

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