Reverie Inbox

[fujimaru]

It's Ritsuka! I've either fallen asleep or couldn't find my phone in time, so leave a message.

[ text / action / etc]

Comments

[messianic]

Ah... that's a relief to hear then.

[ he's a little startled by her certainty, but in a touched and grateful sort of way. After all... he likes Ritsuka so, so much exactly as she is--the last thing he ever wants to do is put any sort of pressure on her to change or do something outside of her comfort zone.

A bit more lightly: ]

I wouldn't be a very reliable alternate universe self if I did that sort of thing, after all.

[fujimaru]

[ She blinks, laughs, and flops down onto her back next to him in the nest pile. This is fine. ]

I dunno, yes and no? Theoretically, if anyone was gonna bully me into doing the hard things, it would be myself. Or another me, as it were.

[messianic]

[ this is very fine. He follows suit, flopping back and covering up a yawn with his free hand. ]

I don't really think you need any bullying for that sort of thing. You just approach things at your own pace sometimes. Nothing wrong with that.

[fujimaru]

I dunno. Sometimes I think I need it.

[ She tips her head to look at the ceiling, smiling faintly; it's a little tired and rueful, but as complicated as her own feelings are, she's not upset about them. ]

It's not always a bad thing... I think I'm glad for both outcomes. Whether someone pushes me, or whether they don't.

[messianic]

Mmm... I guess it's also a sign of how much someone cares, if they're trying so hard to push you out of your comfort zone.

[fujimaru]

Yeah... it depends on how they do it, but I've never felt like it wasn't with my best interests in mind.

[ She lifts their joined hands up over their heads, to look at them; she's still calm, more gently amused than anything else. ]

I appreciate how everyone I know deals with me. Is that weird?

[messianic]

I don't think that's weird at all.

[ her amusement matches his--they can be gently amused together, just casually vibing on the bed.

And then, a little teasingly: ]

It means you've reached enlightenment. Buddha levels of zen.

[fujimaru]

Haha, if only.

[ She sighs, deep and exaggerated, though she feels nowhere near as aggravated as she's acting. ]

If I were, it'd probably be a lot easier for me. I've just learned that there's some people where, even if I yell at them, they're not gonna change.

[messianic]

I think that's kind of a sort of zen all in its own...

[ that's just mumbled though, before he shrugs a bit, squeezing her hand. ]

Are there people like that here, too? Everyone seems pretty easy-going from what I've seen, but I haven't met everyone.

[fujimaru]

Mmmm... yes and no? It's not something I could just say one way or another and really mean it.

[ It's a thoughtful response, more contemplative than waffling. ]

Even people who act easy-going can be pretty stubborn. There's a metaphor somewhere about bending so you don't break.

[messianic]

[ there's faint, gentle amusement in response to that. He should know, since that probably describes him to a T. ]

I guess I just mean that I can't imagine you having to yell too much at people here. You're also pretty easy-going, you know?

[fujimaru]

Am I?

[ There's a beat of genuine surprise and curiosity, and she tilts her head to look at him. ]

I mean, I usually feel like I am, but also lately I feel like I've just been mostly... uh. You know.

Stressed out?

[messianic]

[ the amusement lingers, and just becomes more and more fond. ]

That doesn't change the kind of person you are. Besides...

[ he yawns, which turns into a sneeze mid-way. ]

... You've got some pretty good reasons to be stressed out lately.

[fujimaru]

Do I, though? I feel like it's all been selfish.

[ She's a little rueful, a little self-deprecating at the suggestion. ]

Everyone's been nice to me, and I've just been a mess.

[messianic]

[ his bemusement feels entirely sincere from their connection, as he tilts his head to look at her quizzically. ]

What's wrong with that?

[fujimaru]

I don't want people worrying about me.

[ She says it quietly, because there is something heavier there--the sort of weight that she can never really shed, and possibly never will. ]

Where I'm going... I'm the one who's chosen it. I know what's probably going to happen, and I've still decided to go through with all of what might happen. But I don't want people to worry, either? I'm not being coerced, and I'm not being tricked. And no one here is going to follow me, so...

[ She shrugs. This is the kind of thing bumping up against a whole huge tangle of emotions that she can't really properly articulate: serenity and resignation and wistfulness and resentment and anger and hope, all of it at once. ]

I should just be glad to have my chances here at all. It feels ungrateful that I don't. And then I just get mad when people try to be nice about it.

[messianic]

[ He's quiet for a long moment, processing that--though he doesn't feel surprised. If anything, there's a faint mix of emotions that he doesn't really bother to try to hold back: concern and sadness and a little bit of nostalgia, especially at the serene resignation she feels. ]

... Mm. That's fair. All of that... those are your feelings about your own situation, and nobody can really understand it like you can.

But what I meant is... I don't think there's anything wrong with being a mess. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling the ways you do, even when they contradict or you don't feel like you should. After all... isn't that the most normal, regular old human part of you?

[ The part of Ritsuka that she's so proud of being, that she won't let people forget about in favor of trying to treat her like she's special--it's that she's a regular human, right? ]

[fujimaru]

Maybe, but... I don't feel like I'm really handling any of it that well.

[ She sighs; there's a large part of her that wants to argue, but he's not wrong. He's not wrong to point it out, or to push back, no matter how much she instinctively wants to argue. ]

And a lot of my life is pretty reliant on my ability to handle things. It feels a little like letting myself get distracted is going to end up badly back home.

[messianic]

[ He's quiet for a moment, eyes sliding shut as he takes a moment to try to think through his minor flu-induced fog.

But there's no hiding the way that he feels a little sad at that, sad and wistful and nostalgic. ]

... I wish you'd let yourself feel those things, without trying to push them away. Even if it's just for now, just here. Being able to do that... is something precious, I think. Especially since you have to keep yourself together back home.

[fujimaru]

Some of it is fine.

[ Some of it, but not any more. Nothing here is going to be permanent for her, and she is resigned to that. ]

It's been nice to... catch up, I guess? To get to do things I would have, if things had been normal. But I have to be ready to keep going even when it ends.

[messianic]

[ he squeezes her hand gently at that, understanding--and confidence in her--washing over him. ]

... You will be. Because you're Ritsuka... and that's the sort of person you are.

I don't doubt that at all.

[fujimaru]

[ She's quiet about that for a moment, grateful for his confidence, and also gently regretful. There's just so much she wishes she could say, or ask for, and none of that is something she's allowed. ]

...Thanks. I'll be doing my best.

[messianic]

[ He's quiet for a moment, her gentle regret sinking in for him. It... is definitely a little painful to feel that from her, because he understands. He understands what it's like to want something so simple, so understated as a normal life, and to know that with what's in your future, you just can't have it.

... He squeezes her hand gently in his own, before he brings their joined hands to rest over his chest, where his heart is. He knows she can feel his mingled fondness and sadness for her... but he can't help but demonstrate it in that way too. ]

... I know you will. That's... what makes you so precious to so many people. Because no matter what... you're always very, very Ritsuka.

[fujimaru]

Precious...

[ She's a little more bemused by the comment, though she doesn't resist when he pulls her hand in like that; all she does is roll to face him better, her head tilted. It's a strange feeling, o know he believes that, and not really feel it herself. Ritsuka is an ordinary person, with ordinary goals; being precious feels like it's for a rank above her.

There's also something wistful at hearing him, specifically, say that, but that's really neither here nor there. ]

I don't know about that. But as long as people like me enough to work with me, I'll be glad.

[messianic]

[ She rolls to face him, and he does the same thing, flashing her a small smile. He lets her feelings wash over him, takes a moment to process them, and then responds with peaceful contentedness to be in this position, to be able to be here. ]

... Yeah. I know.

[ Ritsuka never asks for much. Really, she never even asks for enough. ]

But I hope you can at least believe that that's how I feel. While we're like this, anyway.

[ he waggles their joined hands with a fond little smile. ]