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[fujimaru]

Ritsuka Fujimaru | 藤丸 立香
19(?) / F / Who knows!!

This is Ritsuka! Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

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[impostorsyndrome]

I know. I know that about you . . . it's just me. Being me, as usual. I just can't believe you're into guys like me.

[It's not really that Kadoc thinks he's hideous so much as he knows he has a very specific aesthetic, and he plays to it, knowing that trying to look like anything else would be ridiculous on him. Imagine him deciding to pivot to polo shirts and chinos. Or Hawaiian shirts. No, he was destined to be the scrawny emo punk he is, and while he knows the look has its fans, he's more surprised when someone is one than when they aren't.]

[fujimaru]

I like a lot of things.

[ It's perhaps the most blatant admission she can allow herself about her tastes. This isn't something she could've ever said to a Servant, even one that she was actually attracted to; there are too many who would take it as permission to pursue.

And as nice as that might've been... in the end, Ritsuka is interested in another human like her. That's her bigger confession. ]

But I don't know what you thought I'd be into. Do I seem like the kind of girl who likes a preppy boy?

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . I dunno.

[When she asks it like that, Kadoc really isn't sure. Does she seem like that type? She doesn't, but she also doesn't not. He can imagine her with . . . all kinds of people, if he tries, though he'd rather not, thanks. He has before and hasn't liked the thought much!]

I guess I can see you with different types. If I wanted to think about that.

[fujimaru]

So you're saying you think I'm easy.

[ But she's smiling as she says it. The joke is as much at her expense as his, though she's not surprised at his comment. Ritsuka has always been at her happiest to scatter her attentions and affections in a platonic sense, and she's never had either reason or pull to come to earth and focus.

For a romantic relationship, though? She wants to be pulled down into someone's field of gravity. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

N-no! I didn't mean it like that.

[She's smiling, but Kadoc still feels the sting of fear that maybe he seriously misstepped? Even if she's not acting like it?! He said something stupidly blunt again! He half-lifts a hand, placating, but his ears are bright pink with the embarrassment.]

You're messing with me, right? I swear I didn't mean it that way.

[fujimaru]

I'm just teasing, I promise.

[ Her expression softens at his nervousness. It's weirdly charming, seeing the way he flusters and tries to apologize; she hopes that he'll eventually relax enough to take the joking the way she means it... but for now, she squeezes his hand, hopefully soothing. Oh no. She does like him a lot. ]

I've been called that before, you know? But not in a mean way. It's not even untrue. Don't worry, I'm not mad at all.

[impostorsyndrome]

Who the hell is saying something like that to you . . . and "not in a mean way"?

[Soothing accomplished. He knows he's overreacting and embarrassing himself, so he takes a breath, squeezing her hand back lightly with a press of his fingers. But still! Who's saying that to her, huh?!]

[fujimaru]

Most Servants, at least at first...

[ It is what it is. Ritsuka has long stopped caring about that. It had never really bothered her much to begin with--she's always had a reputation for being easygoing among her peers--and now it just feels like a rote hurdle to overcome. Even some of the friendlier Servants are disbelieving about her general attitude when they're first summoned to Chaldea. ]

They just don't believe that someone is willing and interested to get to know them as people, you know? I just do my best to prove it by my actions, and that takes time. I can't blame them for it.

[impostorsyndrome]

That's a totally different issue.

[He gives her a flat look. But the effect is maybe just a little ruined by him gently swinging their hands back and forth as they walk. He isn't even really aware he's doing it; it happens naturally, because despite playing devil's advocate here, Kadoc's feeling more and more comfortable with the reality of walking down the street hand-in-hand with her and chatting.]

They think you're easy just because you're not an ass to them?

[fujimaru]

It happens more often than you'd think.

[ He might not be very aware of what's going on with their hands, but Ritsuka is. Oh boy, she very much is. It's such a small everyday cute thing to do, and it's the exact sort of thing she has fantasized about before, with an amorphous Potential Partner. And now it's here! It's happening! ]

Even a lot of the ones who are rough around the edges want kindness. But they don't know how to handle it, once they get it.

[ Like some boys she could mention, ]

[impostorsyndrome]

That feels like a jab at me.

[But a good-natured one, and also one he can't argue with, so his lips twitch into a little smile as he catches her eye. Damn, he really is some cliché kind of guy like that, huh? It's not his fault!!]

[fujimaru]

It's just the truth.

[ She smiles back without hesitation, leaning a little into him. Her hand squeezes his, brief but tight. ]

You've got me now. I'm gonna be nice to you no matter how much you complain.

[impostorsyndrome]

I don't wanna be some huge asshole who doesn't deserve his girlfriend.

[Still hard to wrap his head around that one. Girlfriend!! He has one! Here she is, squeezing his hand! If his hand could blush, he's pretty sure it would be right now. At least it's not all sweaty.]

So I'll try not to complain about something like that.

[fujimaru]

I think a lot of people don't know how to handle people being nice to them. Even I have trouble sometimes.

[ Because it is overwhelming, sometimes, to be the recipient of kindness you don't feel like you deserve, or you've earned, even when you intellectually know and understand the sincerity of it. Ritsuka has experienced that plenty, over her time as Chaldea's Master. ]

But as long as you can try to believe that I mean it, then I'll be happy.

[impostorsyndrome]

Do you really? You sure seem to handle people being shitty to you just fine.

[But he gets it. Of course he does. He's that guy too, the guy who can't handle kindness but is very used to cruelty and has built up his defense mechanisms for that to a much greater extent. It's just hard to imagine Fujimaru as that type, too. Hard, and sad.]

[fujimaru]

I've had a lot of practice.

[ She smiles, lopsided and small, when she says it. It is what it is, these past few years operating as Chaldea's Master. ]

...with Servants, it's easier in some ways. Of course they're gonna judge me. I'm barely a human, and I'm the one "in charge." I've gotten kind of used to it.

[impostorsyndrome]

Barely a human? Are you kidding me?

[He's sarcastic and blunt as usual, but also genuinely surprised, and not just a little. Kadoc's eyes go a little wider as he looks over at her. Seriously? Does she really think of herself that way?!]

[fujimaru]

Yes and no?

[ There's a lopsided little smile on her face, a bit rueful. ]

After all this time... sometimes I wonder if I'm holding onto it at all. I think I am? I hope I am. But sometimes I don't know.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . That's the only time you've even halfway sounded like a mage.

[It hurts a little, seeing her look like that. And it hurts in a different way to feel like he understands exactly what she means, keenly, in a way he didn't realize until now he hoped she'd never have to experience. Truly, Kadoc would not wish the path of a mage on his (former) worst enemy.]

[fujimaru]

I guess after all this time, it's rubbed off on me a little.

[ But as she says this, she squeezes his hand, tilting to lean into him a bit even as they walk. ]

But I don't want to let go of what makes me human, either. Even if it's a struggle, I don't want to let it go.

[impostorsyndrome]

I always thought for someone like you, it'd be the opposite. That you'd never have it in you to cast away your humanity. That's what it takes to be a mage . . . you've probably figured that out by now after everything you've seen. That you'd be struggling to hang onto it instead . . .

[He trails off. What is there to say about it? It's bad. He hates it. That's what it is, and he knows she can hear that already in his voice.]

[fujimaru]

It's not that I want to. I'm not trying. It's just... the past few years have been a lot.

[ Ain't that an understatement. She stops, squeezing his hands harder, trying to catch his eye. ]

But things like this help, you know? Just--having someone who likes me in a normal way. Someone who doesn't have me as "Master" first, whether it's a Servant or someone from the staff. Having people who want to know me and spend time with me just because I'm Ritsuka, and not anything else... that helps a lot.

[impostorsyndrome]

[He does look over, looking slightly flushed, a little vulnerable even though he's not the one spilling about his loneliness and trauma here. But it's the fact that she's choosing to tell him, and that she says he's a force of good against it. Actually helping her. It does make him feel open and exposed for how tender that thought makes him feel.]

. . . The you that's just you deserves everything in the world.

[fujimaru]

[ She goes still for a moment wide-eyed and wide open for a moment. Oh. Has anyone ever told her that? Even the most loyal and dedicated of her Servants have never said anything like that to her before.

After that moment she takes a deep shaky breath, turning fully towards him and leaning in close. ]

That... That means more than you know. Thank you.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . I mean it. Ritsuka . . .

[He wants to ask if he can kiss her, but the words can't make it out just yet. His throat is dry and his heart is pounding, and it feels like all of his body's capabilities are going into that hard pulse in his chest. But he sways forward, just a little. Not close in enough, but enough that he's almost there.]