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[fujimaru]

Ritsuka Fujimaru | 藤丸 立香
19(?) / F / Who knows!!

This is Ritsuka! Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

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[impostorsyndrome]

Physically or emotionally? . . . Don't get me wrong. I'm not asking 'cuz I'm thinking of backing off. I wouldn't let that happen. I'm just curious about what to expect at this point.

[He very well might have backed off, another time, in the past. It's not like he's not still nervous about taking a stand now. But he can't just let that prospect chase him off!]

[fujimaru]

Both.

[ She can say that without hesitation. It's a thing she's thought about before--not with him, not explicitly, but the simple idea of having someone she likes, someone she might end up dating when there are still Servants hovering around. Kadoc is one of the few people where she's less worried about, now that he's in this position; he might end up bullied, but at least he knows what a Servant can be like--and what her Servants can be like. ]

I wouldn't blame you if you did wanna back off because of them... but they'll definitely try to haze you. Not all of them, but enough.

[impostorsyndrome]

Hazing's way less than what I deserve from Chaldea's Servants. If they stick to just that? They're going easy on me.

[Most of them have, so far. Kadoc's still not really over that. He'd definitely expected to be murdered in cold blood the first time he ran into Beowulf on that caravan.]

[fujimaru]

More people like you than you give yourself credit for. And besides...

[ She reaches for his hand again, squeezing it gently between both of hers. ]

It's pretty common for someone we were just fighting to show up in Chaldea not long after. They're pretty used to it... but the fact that you remember means a lot to me.

[impostorsyndrome]

Yeah, but . . . I'm not a Servant. I'm a Master. The reason I remember is the same reason I'm to be held responsible in a way Servants aren't. Maybe they don't see it that way. Servants operate on their own logic. But you . . . that's what surprised me.

[He watches their hands, rubbing his thumb over the back of her fingers in one gentle swipe.]

[fujimaru]

It's just...

[ Her fingers curl more securely around his hand, like a kitten's paw flexing without thought. ]

...after this long, Kadoc, it's hard to be the only one who remembers. Every time I run into a familiar face, I have to rebuild the relationship. And even if I don't mind... it gets harder, after a while.

[impostorsyndrome]

[He's still watching their hands, but he finally lifts his gaze to look at her, soft and solemn. He hasn't really been through it personally himself. And yet he gets it; he knows.]

. . . Yeah. With Servants, it was never really supposed to work like that. Maybe there's a reason for that. It's always been one Master, one Servant. We all know it's temporary, even if we try not to think about it. And when it's over? It's supposed to be over. . . . But that's not how it is for you. You have to do it over and over, with hundreds of Servants. And you run into them again . . . then you have to deal with that. It's too much for any Master to just be able to grin and bear. Obviously you'd feel something about it.

[fujimaru]

[ She lets out her breath in a rush, not quite a laugh, ducking her head a little. ]

It's hard. ...I think it's worth it, too, but--it's still hard. And I can't tell any of them that. Even if they don't care at first, they start caring later. It's not their fault. Like you said, that's how the system is supposed to work.

But I still feel it.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . I dunno if I've ever said this before. Maybe not. It's a complicated thing for me to deal with, personally speaking, so I sit on it most of the time. But the situation you ended up in sucks. Even if there's a part of me that's not exactly over being jealous of it yet . . . you didn't actually deserve what got put on your shoulders.

[His thumb swipes idly back and forth over her hand, back and forth, and he looks at that without thinking about it.]

I used to think it was insanely unfair to me. To Chaldea . . . to the whole world. But now I get that it was insanely unfair to you, too.

[fujimaru]

Unfair...

[ She says it slowly, turning the word and its attached meaning over in her head. Unfair, huh? It's not that she disagrees--she thinks he's right, in fact, it's just that she's never thought of it that way. Maybe she's just never given herself permission to think on it deeply enough to let that rise to the forefront of her mind, because if she did--that'd make things a lot more difficult, wouldn't it?

Her hand tightens its grip on his. ]

Maybe you're right. I just tried to never think too hard about it. It wasn't a good setup for any of us.

[impostorsyndrome]

Yeah. I'm not saying you should start dwelling on that shit . . . look where it got me. It's not worth it to get into that spiral. I think that's some of your strength. You don't get caught up in all that. . . . But I figured it was the kinda thing I should say to you.

[She should know that someone thinks so. That someone, even someone who once begrudged her everything she's done and believed he hated her for it, believes that she didn't deserve it, and it wasn't fair to her to ever be expected to do it.]

[fujimaru]

...

[ She takes a deep breath, reaching to take one of his hands in both of hers, bowing her head over it before she peeks up at him through her bangs. It's not something she's ever asked someone to comfort her over, or something that she wants people to feel sorry for her about... but him saying this does mean a lot. ]

Thank you. For real.

[impostorsyndrome]

[It's a powerful moment, and Kadoc isn't sure what to say. Anything he can think of feels stupid in comparison, like he'd be destroying some of the honestly of it. So after a moment, he just nods, laying his other hand over hers and squeezing them together.]

[fujimaru]

[ She stays like that for a few seconds longer, then takes a deep breath, looking up at him. ]

...I'm glad you're here. I've been so glad, since I ran into you back when I first arrived. I think that probably says a lot.

[impostorsyndrome]

Even after how I reacted to you? . . . I didn't know what the hell to think at the time. I could kinda tell, but I couldn't let myself believe it, so I just got in my own head about it trying to figure it out. It just felt like the most tone-deaf thing in the world to assume you were cool with me after everything.

[Even after how she'd acted. She sure hadn't rejected him that first evening. She'd seemed happy, and Kadoc just couldn't let himself accept that.]

[fujimaru]

Even then.

[ She sys it gently, her expression steady as she watches his face. ]

It's not like I didn't understand on some level, you know? I also want to live. Whatever else happened, I wanted to live... if I were in your position, I think I would've done the same thing. And the fact that you were alive after all meant a lot to me.

[impostorsyndrome]

[Kadoc's quiet for a moment, watching her. It's still hard to accept that, but he does believe her, so what choice does he have? He has to accept it. Slowly, he nods.]

. . . It's funny. I never thought I'd feel that strongly about wanting to live. If you'd asked me before that moment, I'd probably have said I was happy to die. I'd have said it before, and since.

[fujimaru]

There's a lot people do, when they're really pushed to that limit.

[ Her hands tighten on his, just a little, a squeeze before she relaxes. ]

Right now, though... right now, how do you feel?

[impostorsyndrome]

[Her hands are so soft. He wants to be holding them for every conversation they ever have from now on. Kadoc can already feel the creeping horror known as the Honeymoon Phase sneaking up on him.]

. . . I made a promise. But it's not just about that anymore. Maybe I feel a little guilty deep down for having some other reasons, but I do. I want to live.

[fujimaru]

Then live.

[ She's not thinking about it in the same sort of way, but she does know that hand holding always feels very significant to her. Sometimes it feels like every major event in her life has been preceded by hand-holding, and this comfortably fits into that. ]

That's what I want, too--to live. So I'll help you, and you'll help me, and we'll figure it out. Okay?

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Yeah. I will. I might've fucked up until now, but . . . if I'm alive, I might as well be living for something I want.

[It's a deal. Kadoc knows this was already understood between them, but it feels important to say it now. It feels official, in some way. Like shaking hands on it, or a pinky promise. Touching hands is important for this kind of thing.]

[fujimaru]

[ She sucks in a quick breath, which comes back out as an almost startled laugh. Even if they've already kind of discussed it, having him say that--something I want--still feels like a sucker punch in the best sort of way. Her hands tighten on his, because if she lets herself, she might just start crying a little instead. ]

I'll make sure you don't regret that.

[impostorsyndrome]

That's not your responsibility.

[But he doesn't know how to say how thankful he is for it. All he can say is this, still worried he's taking advantage of her sometimes, that she ought to spend her energy on herself and not a sad boy. And yet he's so glad for it he feels choked, looking at her face and then their hands.]

[fujimaru]

It is a little.

[ But when he looks at her, she smiles at him, warm and unworried. ]

No, I can't make everything better for you... but as your-- as a partner, it's my responsibility to be my best for you. I can't just go into something as important like this without giving it the best shot I can.

[impostorsyndrome]

[He can't argue against that, huh? As much as he worries about this, he can't actually imply that a partner shouldn't take some kind of responsibility for their partner. What's the point otherwise? He just has to make sure this is mutual, so that he feels he deserves it at least a little.

So he nods, slowly. And then he has to say:]

. . . As my girlfriend.