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[fujimaru]

Ritsuka Fujimaru | 藤丸 立香
19(?) / F / Who knows!!

This is Ritsuka! Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

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[impostorsyndrome]

[Oh geez. Oh man. Kadoc leans in a little over the table, totally unconsciously, his voice lowering. She's telling him this! Does that mean . . . he doesn't want to read too much into it, but . . . ahhhh. Aaahhh!]

. . . You ever worn it?

[fujimaru]

N--not yet...

[ Not yet. She knows what this might imply, and she's embarrassed as hell, but she's also not taking it back. She knows what she's doing, kind of. And she wants him to know, to make of the knowledge what he will. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

[He knows and he knows she knows! Ahhhhh! Kadoc is visibly flushed, ears bright pink, looking at her over his hand. But there's definite interest in his gaze, and he can't help but linger on her a little, thinking about it. Remembering—shit. She'd looked so good. He hadn't been allowed to really take her in that time, but what if now . . . ?]

Yeah . . . well, you should tell me about it. If you ever do put it on.

[fujimaru]

Don't worry, you'll be the first to know.

[ Because frankly, there is no way Ritsuka is ever GOING to put that thing on unless he's there, or if she ever gets the guts to take a sexy selfie. Or anything along those lines. She ducks her head, glancing at him sidelong to gauge his reaction to that. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

[Oh, he likes it. He's watching her, and . . . she wouldn't look at him that way if she didn't want him to like it, right? Maybe it's okay to give her a quick look up and down, just a little heated, and nod. Though he's still nervous enough about doing so that he swallows audibly when he does, too.]

. . . Looking forward to it.

[fujimaru]

[ She meets his gaze for a moment, long enough for it to feel Significant, then looks away, clearing her breath. That had... actually felt pretty nice? She's been stared at before and found that a highly unpleasant experience, but in this situation, with this man and this point they've found themselves in? She finds she likes it a lot. ]

If--if you're good, it might be sooner than later.

[impostorsyndrome]

[Ohhhh. Ohhh if he's good! He can be a good boy! Her saying it like that is embarrassingly exciting, too, in a way he decides he probably shouldn't let on to too easily. It's a little soon for . . . that. He clears his throat.]

I'll just have to be a—good. Be good. I mean, if you've got any requests, I'm all ears. Ways I can be good to you.

[fujimaru]

Ways...

[ Ways he can be good to her?! Ahhhh??

She goes bright red, clearing her throat and trying not to fidget. ]

Just... just spending time with me is a good start. I want--I'd like your attention...?

[ That feels like too much to ask for, but she's doing it! She's asking! ]

[impostorsyndrome]

[Ahhh! He didn't even mean it suggestively! But now he's thinking about it that way! They're both just sitting here being blushy and awkward, but at least it's not just him?!]

You can have all you want. I'd like that too . . . I don't wanna be too clingy, so just let me know if I come on too strong.

[fujimaru]

I don't think there's any way you could be more clingy than some Servants...

[ But she does understand where he might be coming from with that, and she ducks her head a little, peeking up at him. ]

Right now, though, I think I'd kind of like it.

[impostorsyndrome]

Heh. Am I gonna have to start watching my back here?

[Uh oh. He didn't think of that. She does have Servants here! Are any of them the types to come after him for this? He already had to deal with that with Gareth and he wasn't even dating her!]

[fujimaru]

None of the really dangerous ones are here. But I'd protect you.

[ She's not sure even the obvious will get through to Kiyohime, but she'll figure something out. Let her live and date a boy that she likes, ]

[impostorsyndrome]

Physically or emotionally? . . . Don't get me wrong. I'm not asking 'cuz I'm thinking of backing off. I wouldn't let that happen. I'm just curious about what to expect at this point.

[He very well might have backed off, another time, in the past. It's not like he's not still nervous about taking a stand now. But he can't just let that prospect chase him off!]

[fujimaru]

Both.

[ She can say that without hesitation. It's a thing she's thought about before--not with him, not explicitly, but the simple idea of having someone she likes, someone she might end up dating when there are still Servants hovering around. Kadoc is one of the few people where she's less worried about, now that he's in this position; he might end up bullied, but at least he knows what a Servant can be like--and what her Servants can be like. ]

I wouldn't blame you if you did wanna back off because of them... but they'll definitely try to haze you. Not all of them, but enough.

[impostorsyndrome]

Hazing's way less than what I deserve from Chaldea's Servants. If they stick to just that? They're going easy on me.

[Most of them have, so far. Kadoc's still not really over that. He'd definitely expected to be murdered in cold blood the first time he ran into Beowulf on that caravan.]

[fujimaru]

More people like you than you give yourself credit for. And besides...

[ She reaches for his hand again, squeezing it gently between both of hers. ]

It's pretty common for someone we were just fighting to show up in Chaldea not long after. They're pretty used to it... but the fact that you remember means a lot to me.

[impostorsyndrome]

Yeah, but . . . I'm not a Servant. I'm a Master. The reason I remember is the same reason I'm to be held responsible in a way Servants aren't. Maybe they don't see it that way. Servants operate on their own logic. But you . . . that's what surprised me.

[He watches their hands, rubbing his thumb over the back of her fingers in one gentle swipe.]

[fujimaru]

It's just...

[ Her fingers curl more securely around his hand, like a kitten's paw flexing without thought. ]

...after this long, Kadoc, it's hard to be the only one who remembers. Every time I run into a familiar face, I have to rebuild the relationship. And even if I don't mind... it gets harder, after a while.

[impostorsyndrome]

[He's still watching their hands, but he finally lifts his gaze to look at her, soft and solemn. He hasn't really been through it personally himself. And yet he gets it; he knows.]

. . . Yeah. With Servants, it was never really supposed to work like that. Maybe there's a reason for that. It's always been one Master, one Servant. We all know it's temporary, even if we try not to think about it. And when it's over? It's supposed to be over. . . . But that's not how it is for you. You have to do it over and over, with hundreds of Servants. And you run into them again . . . then you have to deal with that. It's too much for any Master to just be able to grin and bear. Obviously you'd feel something about it.

[fujimaru]

[ She lets out her breath in a rush, not quite a laugh, ducking her head a little. ]

It's hard. ...I think it's worth it, too, but--it's still hard. And I can't tell any of them that. Even if they don't care at first, they start caring later. It's not their fault. Like you said, that's how the system is supposed to work.

But I still feel it.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . I dunno if I've ever said this before. Maybe not. It's a complicated thing for me to deal with, personally speaking, so I sit on it most of the time. But the situation you ended up in sucks. Even if there's a part of me that's not exactly over being jealous of it yet . . . you didn't actually deserve what got put on your shoulders.

[His thumb swipes idly back and forth over her hand, back and forth, and he looks at that without thinking about it.]

I used to think it was insanely unfair to me. To Chaldea . . . to the whole world. But now I get that it was insanely unfair to you, too.

[fujimaru]

Unfair...

[ She says it slowly, turning the word and its attached meaning over in her head. Unfair, huh? It's not that she disagrees--she thinks he's right, in fact, it's just that she's never thought of it that way. Maybe she's just never given herself permission to think on it deeply enough to let that rise to the forefront of her mind, because if she did--that'd make things a lot more difficult, wouldn't it?

Her hand tightens its grip on his. ]

Maybe you're right. I just tried to never think too hard about it. It wasn't a good setup for any of us.

[impostorsyndrome]

Yeah. I'm not saying you should start dwelling on that shit . . . look where it got me. It's not worth it to get into that spiral. I think that's some of your strength. You don't get caught up in all that. . . . But I figured it was the kinda thing I should say to you.

[She should know that someone thinks so. That someone, even someone who once begrudged her everything she's done and believed he hated her for it, believes that she didn't deserve it, and it wasn't fair to her to ever be expected to do it.]

[fujimaru]

...

[ She takes a deep breath, reaching to take one of his hands in both of hers, bowing her head over it before she peeks up at him through her bangs. It's not something she's ever asked someone to comfort her over, or something that she wants people to feel sorry for her about... but him saying this does mean a lot. ]

Thank you. For real.

[impostorsyndrome]

[It's a powerful moment, and Kadoc isn't sure what to say. Anything he can think of feels stupid in comparison, like he'd be destroying some of the honestly of it. So after a moment, he just nods, laying his other hand over hers and squeezing them together.]