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[fujimaru]

Ritsuka Fujimaru | 藤丸 立香
19(?) / F / Who knows!!

This is Ritsuka! Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

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[fujimaru]

...Yeah.

[ There's no point in pretending otherwise. Regardless of whether or not they'd been actually in a relationship like that, it had been impossible not to see how close they'd been. If nothing else, his dedication to following her last wishes says a lot. ]

I didn't know the Lostbelt version at all, but... I get the strong feeling we're pretty different as people.

[impostorsyndrome]

I mean, do you really think everyone has one type of person they're into? Do you? 'Cuz if you do, and it's me, I'm sorry for your taste.

[He has to think of Kyrielight here. He can't not. They couldn't be more different, but don't Mash and Ritsuka have . . . something? Something unspoken, unofficial, vague but still real?]

[fujimaru]

Well, no, but... there's a difference between having a type and--something like that.

[ Maybe it hadn't been love, but it had been something, intense and casting a long shadow. She can say that much with confidence. ]

And besides, given our history, why would I think you'd be interested in me?

[impostorsyndrome]

I could turn that right back on you. I've got no idea why the hell you'd be interested in someone who's pulled everything I've pulled. But . . . I mean, here we are. Obviously I ended up feeling the way I did. So it can't be that insane . . . except for how you're great and I'm not. Which is an important distinction.

[He also knows she's going to argue it, and he's kidding anyway, at least in the way he phrases it. Even if he maybe does also actually believe it, not so deep down.]

[fujimaru]

...I know a lot of people who've done terrible things because of their circumstances. So--I guess I've seen it happen a lot? Where someone who's done something awful can do better if they have the chance.

[ She suspects he believes it, and that makes her... not sad, precisely, but maybe wistful. Regretful that his life has led him to this. ]

And you've treated me better since we've been here. You're better than you think.

[impostorsyndrome]

I just . . .

[He looks at her, and then down at his drink, lifting it to take another sip. It's not like he needs or wants to be drunk for this, but it's not a bad thing having something to take the edge off either. Make him more open for this, because he wants to be. She deserves that from him.]

You know what it's like to get sick of your own bullshit? Have you ever felt like that?

[fujimaru]

...Kind of?

[ It's not that she doesn't understand what he's talking about, on some level. And she has definitely gotten tired of herself and the ways she responds to things, even when she does know better. But she's not as weighed down as he is, and that makes a significant difference. ]

But even if it wasn't because of me--I still got to see it. And experience it. So that means something to me.

[impostorsyndrome]

It's not like I was saying that to tell you you didn't have anything to do with it. . . . Forget it.

[He shrugs, sipping at his drink. Maybe he doesn't really need to go into every stupid thought that goes through his head.]

[fujimaru]

...Okay.

But--if you think you want to talk about it later, I'll listen. I'd like to.

[ There's just a lot about him that she's curious about. She wants to know about him, even more than she already does. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

I just . . . I know I'm like this, but I really don't wanna be the guy who drags you into my black hole of self-loathing. You know Gawain got on my ass for that way back when he thought I might end up with Gareth? And he wasn't wrong.

[It's been so long, but Kadoc's never forgotten. That little chat at Denny's over pancakes, and that beefcake knight eviscerating him over all the ways he could hurt a woman he cared about if he wasn't careful.]

[fujimaru]

I'm the one who asked.

[ She puts her fork down so she can reach out, brushing her fingers against his wrist. ]

And I'm not Gareth. I'm not trying to save you. I think you're capable of saving yourself... I just want to help.

[impostorsyndrome]

[They're just going to have to take a break from eating again, huh. He shifts his hand to take hers, tentative, but more grateful than he knows how to say. There's something about the way she puts that that actually is a comfort.]

I think you've got too much faith in me . . . but hell. I dunno anymore. I guess what it comes down to is no matter what I say, I never would've asked you out tonight if I actually thought I'd destroy you. That's just my nerves talking.

[fujimaru]

[ Sometimes you just have to take a break. She laces her fingers together with his, giving a gentle squeeze. ]

I'm tougher than that. But if I really thought you were no good, I don't think I would have been interested. Maybe as friends? But not more than that.

[ "Maybe" as friends, yeah right. She would have tried for friends no matter how self-destructive he was. But over their time here in this Camelot, she's seen enough of how he is as a person that she's confident in this. ]

And I think I have the right amount of faith in you.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . You mean that? You're not just into shitty guys? I think you're smarter than that, but I've gotta ask. Sorry.

[Fujimaru Ritsuka would never be into shitty guys, no sir,

His thumb brushes over her fingers. Shit. This is addictive. He's going to have to go back home alone after this and not be touching her, and that feels insanely disappointing in this moment.]

[fujimaru]

I don't think so?

[ Surely she would never be into shitty guys,

But the thing is, Ritsuka likes who and what she likes. She can look at Kadoc and acknowledge there's a whole host of issues there, including some that are deeper and more damaged than she can really help... but she meant what she said. She believes wholly that he can save himself, so long as he has help. ]

I just like you. That's all there is to it.

[impostorsyndrome]

[Surely she would never!

But that hits hard. Kadoc looks at her, taking in a little breath. It's always like this with her these days. She says it, and he believes it, because she's trustworthy. Because he trusts her, specifically, even against his own poisoned brain.]

. . . It's just never been like that before for me. I can't think of a single person who "just" liked me, in all my life, and that was all there was to it. So when you say it, it feels insane. But in a good way.

[fujimaru]

I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit... but I guess I get to benefit from it, huh?

[ She says it playfully, if a little self-deprecating, squeezing his hands with hers. ]

But if you believe me, then I'm happy. I mean it. I just really--I wanted to be your friend for so long, and then I became your friend, and I liked you even more.

[ Look at how happy she is. He did that! suffer with this knowledge. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

That's the part that's wild to me. Anyone who gets to know me better and likes me even more must be crazy.

[But by now he's fully joking, or at least he's saying it playfully and squeezing her hands, even if it's still That Kind of joke. There's no darkness in his smile this time. Sometimes their humor is just self-deprecating!]

[fujimaru]

You're not the first person who's said that.

[ And he probably won't be the last. There's still more than half of the Lostbelts ahead of her, never minding what might happen in between them. ]

But that doesn't change my feelings either. You're stuck with me.

[impostorsyndrome]

Heh . . . you're the one trapped in here with me, or however that goes.

[They're stuck with each other, maybe. That's not a bad thought at all. He squeezes her hand, then looks down at his plate, a little self-conscious in that amused kind of way.]

We should probably get back to eating before we're stuck here together for real. Locked inside all night when they close up and we're still being annoying as hell.

[fujimaru]

I don't think they'd do that to paying customers! Even the annoying ones.

[ But the comment makes her giggle in spite of herself. What a thought, being locked in because they were having too many feelings at each other. Still, it's not as if she doesn't want to eat; she squeezes his hand in response, then finally lets go to pick up her silverware again. ]

But even when this place closes... I wouldn't mind being stuck together with you for longer.

[impostorsyndrome]

[He almost drops his fork at that. But he's reading too much into it, right?! He knows he is! But then what is she implying if not that she wants to "be stuck" with him . . . later? After? She probably just means hanging out. That's all, and that's fine! He wants that too! Recovering his grip on his fork, Kadoc nods.]

I mean, if you wanna hang out after we finish up here, I'd like that too.

[fujimaru]

I mean...

[ She had just meant hanging out, but the way he responds is a reminder that it could mean more than that. And they've agreed to--date, essentially, right? This is a thing they're trying to do. She's not brave enough to just suggest they go for... whatever, but-- ]

We could go for a walk? It's still early enough for that.

[impostorsyndrome]

I'd like that.

[He would! Kadoc's not brave enough to suggest anything more either. That's way too fast and shameless, anyway! She'd think he was just using her for sex! That couldn't be further from the truth, and the thought of it makes his stomach feel cold and hard with anxiety. Chasing her away by coming off as one of Those Guys would crush him.]

Sorry. It's not like I thought . . . anything of it. Just got surprised.

[fujimaru]

It's okay.

[ She means it, too, with a soft fond sincerity, reaching to touch her fingers briefly to the back of his hand. ]

As long as you don't dislike it, I'm happy.