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[fujimaru]

Ritsuka Fujimaru | 藤丸 立香
19(?) / F / Who knows!!

This is Ritsuka! Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

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[impostorsyndrome]

Heh . . . yeah. It is. That's why I picked it. I even asked someone for advice on where to take you. Even though I never said it was a date, I figured if I made it super obvious in every other way, maybe I just wouldn't have to say anything about it ever. Which is stupid, I know.

[But that's anxiety for you. It makes you do stupid things instead of just admitting to something you want, even when you have a flicker of hope that the other person wants it too. She'd just seemed . . . receptive, somehow.]

[fujimaru]

I'm glad you did, though.

[ On impulse, she tugs his hand up, enough that she can press her cheek to his knuckles. ]

It made me really happy when you said that. If you'd left it to me, I probably would've just continued treating this as a friendship thing... but I would've been sad if you'd started seeing someone else.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Really?

[He rubs his free hand over his mouth, considering this. She would have been?! That's . . . maybe he shouldn't feel good about that. It feels like he probably should not, but he does. And—]

Oh my god. I would've been so upset if you told me you were seeing someone. I would've eaten my own hands and never said a word.

[fujimaru]

Really.

[ It's equally wild for her to hear it as it was for him; she lets out an embarrassed little laugh, rubbing the back of her neck. Even if it's embarrassing to make that confession, the fact that he's so enthusiastically in agreement feels good. Because if he would've been upset, and she would've been upset--then isn't that a good sign they're onto something, here? ]

So... thanks for saving me from that. For real.

[impostorsyndrome]

Yeah . . . me too, I guess. I never thought about it before, but you know how it is. I didn't wanna. I love tormenting myself as much as the next loser, but I couldn't stand to rub my own face in how I felt about you.

[Okay. Okay, he can squeeze her hand and let go and finally start eating. It's hard! It takes a lot of willpower! But he manages, only because he doesn't want his food to get cold.]

[fujimaru]

I didn't really want to, either.

[ Okay! They can eat. It's nice food in a nice place! But Ritsuka is still smiling faintly as she picks up her fork. ]

I thought I knew your type... and that wasn't really anything I could or would be, so it felt silly to agonize over it.

[impostorsyndrome]

[Kadoc forks a bite of fish, but his eyes are still on Ritsuka, especially when she says that: I thought I knew your type. So it's like that . . . he takes his bite first, chewing it thoughtfully, but in the end, he has to pursue the line of conversation. He's not going to be able to push it aside.]

. . . You're talking about Anastasia, right?

[fujimaru]

...Yeah.

[ There's no point in pretending otherwise. Regardless of whether or not they'd been actually in a relationship like that, it had been impossible not to see how close they'd been. If nothing else, his dedication to following her last wishes says a lot. ]

I didn't know the Lostbelt version at all, but... I get the strong feeling we're pretty different as people.

[impostorsyndrome]

I mean, do you really think everyone has one type of person they're into? Do you? 'Cuz if you do, and it's me, I'm sorry for your taste.

[He has to think of Kyrielight here. He can't not. They couldn't be more different, but don't Mash and Ritsuka have . . . something? Something unspoken, unofficial, vague but still real?]

[fujimaru]

Well, no, but... there's a difference between having a type and--something like that.

[ Maybe it hadn't been love, but it had been something, intense and casting a long shadow. She can say that much with confidence. ]

And besides, given our history, why would I think you'd be interested in me?

[impostorsyndrome]

I could turn that right back on you. I've got no idea why the hell you'd be interested in someone who's pulled everything I've pulled. But . . . I mean, here we are. Obviously I ended up feeling the way I did. So it can't be that insane . . . except for how you're great and I'm not. Which is an important distinction.

[He also knows she's going to argue it, and he's kidding anyway, at least in the way he phrases it. Even if he maybe does also actually believe it, not so deep down.]

[fujimaru]

...I know a lot of people who've done terrible things because of their circumstances. So--I guess I've seen it happen a lot? Where someone who's done something awful can do better if they have the chance.

[ She suspects he believes it, and that makes her... not sad, precisely, but maybe wistful. Regretful that his life has led him to this. ]

And you've treated me better since we've been here. You're better than you think.

[impostorsyndrome]

I just . . .

[He looks at her, and then down at his drink, lifting it to take another sip. It's not like he needs or wants to be drunk for this, but it's not a bad thing having something to take the edge off either. Make him more open for this, because he wants to be. She deserves that from him.]

You know what it's like to get sick of your own bullshit? Have you ever felt like that?

[fujimaru]

...Kind of?

[ It's not that she doesn't understand what he's talking about, on some level. And she has definitely gotten tired of herself and the ways she responds to things, even when she does know better. But she's not as weighed down as he is, and that makes a significant difference. ]

But even if it wasn't because of me--I still got to see it. And experience it. So that means something to me.

[impostorsyndrome]

It's not like I was saying that to tell you you didn't have anything to do with it. . . . Forget it.

[He shrugs, sipping at his drink. Maybe he doesn't really need to go into every stupid thought that goes through his head.]

[fujimaru]

...Okay.

But--if you think you want to talk about it later, I'll listen. I'd like to.

[ There's just a lot about him that she's curious about. She wants to know about him, even more than she already does. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

I just . . . I know I'm like this, but I really don't wanna be the guy who drags you into my black hole of self-loathing. You know Gawain got on my ass for that way back when he thought I might end up with Gareth? And he wasn't wrong.

[It's been so long, but Kadoc's never forgotten. That little chat at Denny's over pancakes, and that beefcake knight eviscerating him over all the ways he could hurt a woman he cared about if he wasn't careful.]

[fujimaru]

I'm the one who asked.

[ She puts her fork down so she can reach out, brushing her fingers against his wrist. ]

And I'm not Gareth. I'm not trying to save you. I think you're capable of saving yourself... I just want to help.

[impostorsyndrome]

[They're just going to have to take a break from eating again, huh. He shifts his hand to take hers, tentative, but more grateful than he knows how to say. There's something about the way she puts that that actually is a comfort.]

I think you've got too much faith in me . . . but hell. I dunno anymore. I guess what it comes down to is no matter what I say, I never would've asked you out tonight if I actually thought I'd destroy you. That's just my nerves talking.

[fujimaru]

[ Sometimes you just have to take a break. She laces her fingers together with his, giving a gentle squeeze. ]

I'm tougher than that. But if I really thought you were no good, I don't think I would have been interested. Maybe as friends? But not more than that.

[ "Maybe" as friends, yeah right. She would have tried for friends no matter how self-destructive he was. But over their time here in this Camelot, she's seen enough of how he is as a person that she's confident in this. ]

And I think I have the right amount of faith in you.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . You mean that? You're not just into shitty guys? I think you're smarter than that, but I've gotta ask. Sorry.

[Fujimaru Ritsuka would never be into shitty guys, no sir,

His thumb brushes over her fingers. Shit. This is addictive. He's going to have to go back home alone after this and not be touching her, and that feels insanely disappointing in this moment.]

[fujimaru]

I don't think so?

[ Surely she would never be into shitty guys,

But the thing is, Ritsuka likes who and what she likes. She can look at Kadoc and acknowledge there's a whole host of issues there, including some that are deeper and more damaged than she can really help... but she meant what she said. She believes wholly that he can save himself, so long as he has help. ]

I just like you. That's all there is to it.

[impostorsyndrome]

[Surely she would never!

But that hits hard. Kadoc looks at her, taking in a little breath. It's always like this with her these days. She says it, and he believes it, because she's trustworthy. Because he trusts her, specifically, even against his own poisoned brain.]

. . . It's just never been like that before for me. I can't think of a single person who "just" liked me, in all my life, and that was all there was to it. So when you say it, it feels insane. But in a good way.

[fujimaru]

I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit... but I guess I get to benefit from it, huh?

[ She says it playfully, if a little self-deprecating, squeezing his hands with hers. ]

But if you believe me, then I'm happy. I mean it. I just really--I wanted to be your friend for so long, and then I became your friend, and I liked you even more.

[ Look at how happy she is. He did that! suffer with this knowledge. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

That's the part that's wild to me. Anyone who gets to know me better and likes me even more must be crazy.

[But by now he's fully joking, or at least he's saying it playfully and squeezing her hands, even if it's still That Kind of joke. There's no darkness in his smile this time. Sometimes their humor is just self-deprecating!]