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[fujimaru]

Ritsuka Fujimaru | 藤丸 立香
19(?) / F / Who knows!!

This is Ritsuka! Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

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[fujimaru]

You also said that you want to. I think that counts for more than you're giving it credit for.

[ She covers his hand with her other, so that one of his is held between both of hers. ]

It's okay. Even if you can't believe in yourself, I'll believe in you.

[impostorsyndrome]

[This is the woman protecting their world, Kadoc thinks, but right now it feels like she's protecting him personally. He can, as always, find plenty to hate himself over. He can think all he wants that he doesn't deserve this kind of consideration from a girl he seriously fucked over on a level unheard of—and he does, but he feels lucky as hell on top of that. His hand curls in hers. He can't bring himself to hate that this is happening.]

. . . Look, I wanna say you're making a mistake. But I also wanna say . . . I don't want it to be one. I actually want to try and live up to those expectations.

[fujimaru]

Wanting to counts for a lot.

[ That's always been a thing, with Ritsuka. A sincere desire to change, to work hard, or to keep going... as long as those are there, she's more than happy to give herself of that over and over, as often as she's needed. But there's something about hearing him say that that makes her truly happy. Maybe this isn't as doomed as either of them might worried it will be. ]

We can both give it our best shot. Right? I believe in us.

[impostorsyndrome]

You're gonna have to. You're with a guy who doesn't believe in anything.

[That's not true, and he knows it. It's more of a humorous exaggeration than anything too dark, though, and he offers her a little lopsided smile over the table.

He's also aware that this is sounding more and more like navigating a relationship than just one date. But hell, maybe that was inevitable. It's not like this is a blind date. He didn't ask for this to be a date tonight just for the hell of it. If he weren't already pretty sure he'd be fine with whatever might happen next, he never would have bothered.]

[fujimaru]

[ One could argue that their relationship has just been slowly rolling this direction for a while, now. In hindsight, Ritsuka can see the trajectory, though she's hardly about to simply rush into thinking of it that way. For now, it's one step at a time. She squeezes his hand again, her smile unfaltering. ]

Hey, you know me. Since when have I ever given up on anything? Especially when it's important to me.

[impostorsyndrome]

Yeah. I do know that about you by now. And I also know you've got some shitty taste in what's important to you if I count.

[And yet he can feel the smile spreading across his face, helpless and bright—as bright as he ever gets. He's not a guy who does much smiling brightly. Maybe it's inappropriate to do it now of all times, when he's dissing himself like this, and kind of dissing her too by proxy, even if he doesn't mean it that way. But there it goes; he's helpless to keep it off his face. He wants to kiss her hand, but that feels like too much. He even begins to lift it, just the tiniest bit off the table, and then balks.]

[fujimaru]

You're not the first person who's thought that. About my bad taste.

[ And she is completely serene and secure in that. So what if other people think her taste is bad? She's happy with it, and isn't that what matters?

She doesn't entirely know what he wanted to do with her hand, but her guess is that it was something cute. It makes her smile back even wider, brighter, squeezing his hand a little more securely. Even when the server arrives with their food, she doesn't let go. Maybe she's kind of fussy about being observed sometimes, but this feels more important. ]

You're stuck with me.

[impostorsyndrome]

[They have food! He has a drink! He wants to work on both, but . . . hand. Shit. This got way too romantic. Is it okay to be this romantic? Wasn't this supposed to be some weird awkward thing he sucked at, putting her off forever, freeing them both from having to wonder what might have been by answering it with "you're not missing out on much"? Instead this actually feels . . . pretty good. Kadoc's level of pinkness has been steadily rising as the evening goes on, and by now his ears are glowing in the dim mood lighting. There's a candle on their table. Fabulous.]

. . . This isn't easy for me to say. But I'm glad. If you mean that? It makes me happy.

[fujimaru]

I mean it.

[ She also wants to eat--it might not be as much of a necessity here, in this Camelot, as it might be at home, but she still is a big fan of food! Ritsuka's not an indiscriminate eater... but she also-also doesn't want to let go of his hand yet. As simple as the contact is, it makes her feel warm and happy in an entirely new sort of way. Maybe this could be enough to sustain her...?

No, no, that's definitely too sappy, even for her. But just the thought makes her happy, her own face flushing a little pink. As far as stray thoughts go, it isn't naughty, but it still feels more bold than she's ever really allowed herself. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . We're gonna just sit here for hours. They're gonna hate us.

[It's also a joke. He can feel how stupidly wide he's grinning as he says it, completely belying the faux-negative words. But he can't look away from her face. She looks so pleased . . . because she's here with him? Hell. Seriously? How did he manage to trick her into smiling like that?]

[fujimaru]

We'll make sure to tip them well. ...But this is like a date spot, isn't it? So they're probably used to it.

[ Surely they're not the only couple that has just sat there for too long, ignoring their food in favor of making eyes at each other. She refuses to believe they're the worst that this place has ever seen.

But also, she's not in a rush to let go of his hand and start eating just yet. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

Heh . . . yeah. It is. That's why I picked it. I even asked someone for advice on where to take you. Even though I never said it was a date, I figured if I made it super obvious in every other way, maybe I just wouldn't have to say anything about it ever. Which is stupid, I know.

[But that's anxiety for you. It makes you do stupid things instead of just admitting to something you want, even when you have a flicker of hope that the other person wants it too. She'd just seemed . . . receptive, somehow.]

[fujimaru]

I'm glad you did, though.

[ On impulse, she tugs his hand up, enough that she can press her cheek to his knuckles. ]

It made me really happy when you said that. If you'd left it to me, I probably would've just continued treating this as a friendship thing... but I would've been sad if you'd started seeing someone else.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Really?

[He rubs his free hand over his mouth, considering this. She would have been?! That's . . . maybe he shouldn't feel good about that. It feels like he probably should not, but he does. And—]

Oh my god. I would've been so upset if you told me you were seeing someone. I would've eaten my own hands and never said a word.

[fujimaru]

Really.

[ It's equally wild for her to hear it as it was for him; she lets out an embarrassed little laugh, rubbing the back of her neck. Even if it's embarrassing to make that confession, the fact that he's so enthusiastically in agreement feels good. Because if he would've been upset, and she would've been upset--then isn't that a good sign they're onto something, here? ]

So... thanks for saving me from that. For real.

[impostorsyndrome]

Yeah . . . me too, I guess. I never thought about it before, but you know how it is. I didn't wanna. I love tormenting myself as much as the next loser, but I couldn't stand to rub my own face in how I felt about you.

[Okay. Okay, he can squeeze her hand and let go and finally start eating. It's hard! It takes a lot of willpower! But he manages, only because he doesn't want his food to get cold.]

[fujimaru]

I didn't really want to, either.

[ Okay! They can eat. It's nice food in a nice place! But Ritsuka is still smiling faintly as she picks up her fork. ]

I thought I knew your type... and that wasn't really anything I could or would be, so it felt silly to agonize over it.

[impostorsyndrome]

[Kadoc forks a bite of fish, but his eyes are still on Ritsuka, especially when she says that: I thought I knew your type. So it's like that . . . he takes his bite first, chewing it thoughtfully, but in the end, he has to pursue the line of conversation. He's not going to be able to push it aside.]

. . . You're talking about Anastasia, right?

[fujimaru]

...Yeah.

[ There's no point in pretending otherwise. Regardless of whether or not they'd been actually in a relationship like that, it had been impossible not to see how close they'd been. If nothing else, his dedication to following her last wishes says a lot. ]

I didn't know the Lostbelt version at all, but... I get the strong feeling we're pretty different as people.

[impostorsyndrome]

I mean, do you really think everyone has one type of person they're into? Do you? 'Cuz if you do, and it's me, I'm sorry for your taste.

[He has to think of Kyrielight here. He can't not. They couldn't be more different, but don't Mash and Ritsuka have . . . something? Something unspoken, unofficial, vague but still real?]

[fujimaru]

Well, no, but... there's a difference between having a type and--something like that.

[ Maybe it hadn't been love, but it had been something, intense and casting a long shadow. She can say that much with confidence. ]

And besides, given our history, why would I think you'd be interested in me?

[impostorsyndrome]

I could turn that right back on you. I've got no idea why the hell you'd be interested in someone who's pulled everything I've pulled. But . . . I mean, here we are. Obviously I ended up feeling the way I did. So it can't be that insane . . . except for how you're great and I'm not. Which is an important distinction.

[He also knows she's going to argue it, and he's kidding anyway, at least in the way he phrases it. Even if he maybe does also actually believe it, not so deep down.]

[fujimaru]

...I know a lot of people who've done terrible things because of their circumstances. So--I guess I've seen it happen a lot? Where someone who's done something awful can do better if they have the chance.

[ She suspects he believes it, and that makes her... not sad, precisely, but maybe wistful. Regretful that his life has led him to this. ]

And you've treated me better since we've been here. You're better than you think.

[impostorsyndrome]

I just . . .

[He looks at her, and then down at his drink, lifting it to take another sip. It's not like he needs or wants to be drunk for this, but it's not a bad thing having something to take the edge off either. Make him more open for this, because he wants to be. She deserves that from him.]

You know what it's like to get sick of your own bullshit? Have you ever felt like that?

[fujimaru]

...Kind of?

[ It's not that she doesn't understand what he's talking about, on some level. And she has definitely gotten tired of herself and the ways she responds to things, even when she does know better. But she's not as weighed down as he is, and that makes a significant difference. ]

But even if it wasn't because of me--I still got to see it. And experience it. So that means something to me.