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[fujimaru]

Ritsuka Fujimaru | 藤丸 立香
19(?) / F / Who knows!!

This is Ritsuka! Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

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[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Yeah. We will. Sorry you got stuck with the worst possible ally, but . . . I know what we've gotta do. I'll just have to do it, no matter what the odds are.

[He rubs a thumb over her hand, looking down at that before he finally meets her eyes. He, too, sounds and feels more confident than he usually does about anything, really. There's a steel behind this promise.]

[fujimaru]

You will. We will.

[ She can only smile back, squeezing his hand when he looks up. It feels good to say it and really feel it, for the first time in... a long time, perhaps. Maybe ever. Nothing about the Grand Order was guaranteed from the beginning, but now it feels more like there's a real promise in those words. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

I've got no idea where you get your confidence from, but I'm not gonna complain about it when it comes to this. Maybe some of it'll rub off on me one of these days. . . . And me, I'll just get on your ass if I think you're being stupid about it, so maybe we're actually a good match.

[You know, as a team. Surely just as that. But maybe in other ways too. He squeezes her hand, which is exactly when the server comes back with their drinks and to take their orders, and again Kadoc is left fumbling to choose something quickly off the menu he's barely glanced at.]

[fujimaru]

[ She doesn't jerk her hand back entirely, though she does startle at the server's reappearance, glancing briefly at the menu before she just picks a sandwich and salad deal. When the server is gone, she lets out a breathless little laugh. ]

I need someone like that, I think. But I've been doing this on my own for so long... having anyone else around to help makes me feel better about it. Why shouldn't I feel confident?

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . It doesn't feel like I deserve to be the guy making you feel like that. Not when I'm also the guy who's part of the reason you felt like that in the first place.

[He stares into his drink and then takes a sip. Really, he's trying to present this as neutrally as possible and not spiral into guilt, and he's managing, which says a lot about how far he's come. But it's a struggle all the same.]

[fujimaru]

You were part of it, but you weren't the reason for it.

[ It's not that she absolves him of the guilt for what he did do. That's his burden to bear, in the same way her choices are hers, but there is one being that was responsible for forcing his choices--one being that was responsible for the both of them being in Chaldea at all. ]

To me, it's not what you did in the past that matters... it's what you do with that past, moving forward.

[impostorsyndrome]

I never really believed what she said about me being the guy who'll do the right thing in the end.

[She. They both remember. They both heard her dying words, and Kadoc's rejection of them, even at the time. And his feelings on them haven't really changed despite the situation being what it is now.]

Even though I know this is right, and it's what I wanna do . . . I wouldn't say it's 'cuz I'm just that type of person.

[fujimaru]

[ They both remember, and Ritsuka quiets after a moment, considering. It's not just a reminder of those final words, or what they might imply--it's the reminder of how complicated his feelings might otherwise be, if they take this further than this lunch date.

But she doesn't let go of his hand, gently sweeping her thumb over his knuckles. ]

Why not? If you want to do it, and you feel like you should do it... that makes you that kind of person, if you ask me.

[impostorsyndrome]

[There's something about that gesture, right now, that gets under his skin, and Kadoc can feel his heart begin to pound when she does it. His fingers tighten on hers. She's accepting him even when he directly talks about this, and Anastasia, and that means more than he can express or maybe even admit to himself.]

Yeah, but maybe it's a fluke. I dunno. Doing it once doesn't make me that guy. . . . Sorry. I don't really wanna spend this time with you forcing you to reassure me. That wasn't my intent.

[fujimaru]

You also said that you want to. I think that counts for more than you're giving it credit for.

[ She covers his hand with her other, so that one of his is held between both of hers. ]

It's okay. Even if you can't believe in yourself, I'll believe in you.

[impostorsyndrome]

[This is the woman protecting their world, Kadoc thinks, but right now it feels like she's protecting him personally. He can, as always, find plenty to hate himself over. He can think all he wants that he doesn't deserve this kind of consideration from a girl he seriously fucked over on a level unheard of—and he does, but he feels lucky as hell on top of that. His hand curls in hers. He can't bring himself to hate that this is happening.]

. . . Look, I wanna say you're making a mistake. But I also wanna say . . . I don't want it to be one. I actually want to try and live up to those expectations.

[fujimaru]

Wanting to counts for a lot.

[ That's always been a thing, with Ritsuka. A sincere desire to change, to work hard, or to keep going... as long as those are there, she's more than happy to give herself of that over and over, as often as she's needed. But there's something about hearing him say that that makes her truly happy. Maybe this isn't as doomed as either of them might worried it will be. ]

We can both give it our best shot. Right? I believe in us.

[impostorsyndrome]

You're gonna have to. You're with a guy who doesn't believe in anything.

[That's not true, and he knows it. It's more of a humorous exaggeration than anything too dark, though, and he offers her a little lopsided smile over the table.

He's also aware that this is sounding more and more like navigating a relationship than just one date. But hell, maybe that was inevitable. It's not like this is a blind date. He didn't ask for this to be a date tonight just for the hell of it. If he weren't already pretty sure he'd be fine with whatever might happen next, he never would have bothered.]

[fujimaru]

[ One could argue that their relationship has just been slowly rolling this direction for a while, now. In hindsight, Ritsuka can see the trajectory, though she's hardly about to simply rush into thinking of it that way. For now, it's one step at a time. She squeezes his hand again, her smile unfaltering. ]

Hey, you know me. Since when have I ever given up on anything? Especially when it's important to me.

[impostorsyndrome]

Yeah. I do know that about you by now. And I also know you've got some shitty taste in what's important to you if I count.

[And yet he can feel the smile spreading across his face, helpless and bright—as bright as he ever gets. He's not a guy who does much smiling brightly. Maybe it's inappropriate to do it now of all times, when he's dissing himself like this, and kind of dissing her too by proxy, even if he doesn't mean it that way. But there it goes; he's helpless to keep it off his face. He wants to kiss her hand, but that feels like too much. He even begins to lift it, just the tiniest bit off the table, and then balks.]

[fujimaru]

You're not the first person who's thought that. About my bad taste.

[ And she is completely serene and secure in that. So what if other people think her taste is bad? She's happy with it, and isn't that what matters?

She doesn't entirely know what he wanted to do with her hand, but her guess is that it was something cute. It makes her smile back even wider, brighter, squeezing his hand a little more securely. Even when the server arrives with their food, she doesn't let go. Maybe she's kind of fussy about being observed sometimes, but this feels more important. ]

You're stuck with me.

[impostorsyndrome]

[They have food! He has a drink! He wants to work on both, but . . . hand. Shit. This got way too romantic. Is it okay to be this romantic? Wasn't this supposed to be some weird awkward thing he sucked at, putting her off forever, freeing them both from having to wonder what might have been by answering it with "you're not missing out on much"? Instead this actually feels . . . pretty good. Kadoc's level of pinkness has been steadily rising as the evening goes on, and by now his ears are glowing in the dim mood lighting. There's a candle on their table. Fabulous.]

. . . This isn't easy for me to say. But I'm glad. If you mean that? It makes me happy.

[fujimaru]

I mean it.

[ She also wants to eat--it might not be as much of a necessity here, in this Camelot, as it might be at home, but she still is a big fan of food! Ritsuka's not an indiscriminate eater... but she also-also doesn't want to let go of his hand yet. As simple as the contact is, it makes her feel warm and happy in an entirely new sort of way. Maybe this could be enough to sustain her...?

No, no, that's definitely too sappy, even for her. But just the thought makes her happy, her own face flushing a little pink. As far as stray thoughts go, it isn't naughty, but it still feels more bold than she's ever really allowed herself. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . We're gonna just sit here for hours. They're gonna hate us.

[It's also a joke. He can feel how stupidly wide he's grinning as he says it, completely belying the faux-negative words. But he can't look away from her face. She looks so pleased . . . because she's here with him? Hell. Seriously? How did he manage to trick her into smiling like that?]

[fujimaru]

We'll make sure to tip them well. ...But this is like a date spot, isn't it? So they're probably used to it.

[ Surely they're not the only couple that has just sat there for too long, ignoring their food in favor of making eyes at each other. She refuses to believe they're the worst that this place has ever seen.

But also, she's not in a rush to let go of his hand and start eating just yet. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

Heh . . . yeah. It is. That's why I picked it. I even asked someone for advice on where to take you. Even though I never said it was a date, I figured if I made it super obvious in every other way, maybe I just wouldn't have to say anything about it ever. Which is stupid, I know.

[But that's anxiety for you. It makes you do stupid things instead of just admitting to something you want, even when you have a flicker of hope that the other person wants it too. She'd just seemed . . . receptive, somehow.]

[fujimaru]

I'm glad you did, though.

[ On impulse, she tugs his hand up, enough that she can press her cheek to his knuckles. ]

It made me really happy when you said that. If you'd left it to me, I probably would've just continued treating this as a friendship thing... but I would've been sad if you'd started seeing someone else.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Really?

[He rubs his free hand over his mouth, considering this. She would have been?! That's . . . maybe he shouldn't feel good about that. It feels like he probably should not, but he does. And—]

Oh my god. I would've been so upset if you told me you were seeing someone. I would've eaten my own hands and never said a word.

[fujimaru]

Really.

[ It's equally wild for her to hear it as it was for him; she lets out an embarrassed little laugh, rubbing the back of her neck. Even if it's embarrassing to make that confession, the fact that he's so enthusiastically in agreement feels good. Because if he would've been upset, and she would've been upset--then isn't that a good sign they're onto something, here? ]

So... thanks for saving me from that. For real.

[impostorsyndrome]

Yeah . . . me too, I guess. I never thought about it before, but you know how it is. I didn't wanna. I love tormenting myself as much as the next loser, but I couldn't stand to rub my own face in how I felt about you.

[Okay. Okay, he can squeeze her hand and let go and finally start eating. It's hard! It takes a lot of willpower! But he manages, only because he doesn't want his food to get cold.]