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[fujimaru]

Ritsuka Fujimaru | 藤丸 立香
19(?) / F / Who knows!!

This is Ritsuka! Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

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[impostorsyndrome]

[Oh, yeah. Kadoc's used to using family names with most people when he knows them, but that's not appropriate for a date, huh? And he wants to. It feels like a big step. He looks up at her with a little nod, fidgeting with his menu, like he's totally going to look at it any moment now.]

. . . Ritsuka.

[fujimaru]

[ She'd actually been holding her breath a little, silly as it was--just a moment of anticipation to see if he would or not. Ritsuka is familiar with using family names too, though she's long since gotten into the habit of using given names, and she'd really wanted to hear it from him.

So when he says it, she lets out a sharp little breath, and then laughs, embarrassed but glowingly pleased. ]

...Yeah. Thank you.

[impostorsyndrome]

[She's so beautiful when she smiles that glowingly. Kadoc is just kind of staring dumbly at her, Gone, when the server comes up to ask for their drink order and he has to fumble with the menu like an idiot and scan hurriedly for a vodka drink.]

[fujimaru]

[ Sometimes, when you actually give yourself permission to think about things in a specific light, it's difficult to turn off. Ritsuka also fumbles with her menu, her face pink; she picks a soda rather than an alcoholic drink (still, even now), and manages to keep her voice steady as she orders. No embarrassing cracks here!

But when the server leaves, she lets out a tiny little whine. ]

Oops...

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Heh.

[Okay, he feels better if they're both being idiots, and gives her a broad smile over his menu. Oops!]

Guess we should actually look at the menu before we get all distracted. I'm just glad I wasn't the only one. You still don't drink?

[fujimaru]

I still don't.

[ She shrugs a little, giving him a crooked grin in response. ]

...Kipposhi said he'd buy me my first drink, but... he left before my birthday rolled around. But since I said I'd go through with it, it felt wrong to just give it a shot without him.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Yeah. I get it. It's been weird. Probably way weirder for you than for me, but even for me.

[People leaving had just been kind of weird in a sympathetic way until it was Gareth, honestly, and then it had suddenly changed everything. How must Ritsuka feel when it's a Servant? Or several?]

[fujimaru]

...It's pretty weird. I don't know if it's weirder for me than anyone else, though.

[ After a second, she slides her hand across the table. It's not so far that she can take his hand, because that would require more leaning than is comfortable or natural, but it's there. An offering, if he's willing. ]

But I also have to believe they're looking for a way to help me, too. Us. We're going back to the same place, right?

[impostorsyndrome]

[He reaches out to take it immediately, feeling a tiny rise of relief. He does want to touch her. What does that mean, anyway? That he feels more comfortable having contact with her than not? That his eases his nerves about all this, when he's so often nervous about touch? But it feels good to take her hand in his.]

Yeah. We are. I've got no plans to do anything different. Even if I had the chance, I couldn't make myself do it. . . . The place I'm supposed to be is the place I helped destroy. I don't get another one.

[fujimaru]

So we'll fix it.

[ She says that with a steady confidence that is less faked than she would have thought, even of herself. Bravado is easy to come by in her situation, especially when it comes to the fate of their own world--but to her surprise, she feels a lot more certain of that than she might have even a few weeks ago. Maybe it's just having someone else willing to go with her--someone who isn't a Servant, but still agreeing to this. Even if it's mostly because it's his world too... it's nice to think that maybe it's a little bit because of and for her. ]

I'm sure we can.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Yeah. We will. Sorry you got stuck with the worst possible ally, but . . . I know what we've gotta do. I'll just have to do it, no matter what the odds are.

[He rubs a thumb over her hand, looking down at that before he finally meets her eyes. He, too, sounds and feels more confident than he usually does about anything, really. There's a steel behind this promise.]

[fujimaru]

You will. We will.

[ She can only smile back, squeezing his hand when he looks up. It feels good to say it and really feel it, for the first time in... a long time, perhaps. Maybe ever. Nothing about the Grand Order was guaranteed from the beginning, but now it feels more like there's a real promise in those words. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

I've got no idea where you get your confidence from, but I'm not gonna complain about it when it comes to this. Maybe some of it'll rub off on me one of these days. . . . And me, I'll just get on your ass if I think you're being stupid about it, so maybe we're actually a good match.

[You know, as a team. Surely just as that. But maybe in other ways too. He squeezes her hand, which is exactly when the server comes back with their drinks and to take their orders, and again Kadoc is left fumbling to choose something quickly off the menu he's barely glanced at.]

[fujimaru]

[ She doesn't jerk her hand back entirely, though she does startle at the server's reappearance, glancing briefly at the menu before she just picks a sandwich and salad deal. When the server is gone, she lets out a breathless little laugh. ]

I need someone like that, I think. But I've been doing this on my own for so long... having anyone else around to help makes me feel better about it. Why shouldn't I feel confident?

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . It doesn't feel like I deserve to be the guy making you feel like that. Not when I'm also the guy who's part of the reason you felt like that in the first place.

[He stares into his drink and then takes a sip. Really, he's trying to present this as neutrally as possible and not spiral into guilt, and he's managing, which says a lot about how far he's come. But it's a struggle all the same.]

[fujimaru]

You were part of it, but you weren't the reason for it.

[ It's not that she absolves him of the guilt for what he did do. That's his burden to bear, in the same way her choices are hers, but there is one being that was responsible for forcing his choices--one being that was responsible for the both of them being in Chaldea at all. ]

To me, it's not what you did in the past that matters... it's what you do with that past, moving forward.

[impostorsyndrome]

I never really believed what she said about me being the guy who'll do the right thing in the end.

[She. They both remember. They both heard her dying words, and Kadoc's rejection of them, even at the time. And his feelings on them haven't really changed despite the situation being what it is now.]

Even though I know this is right, and it's what I wanna do . . . I wouldn't say it's 'cuz I'm just that type of person.

[fujimaru]

[ They both remember, and Ritsuka quiets after a moment, considering. It's not just a reminder of those final words, or what they might imply--it's the reminder of how complicated his feelings might otherwise be, if they take this further than this lunch date.

But she doesn't let go of his hand, gently sweeping her thumb over his knuckles. ]

Why not? If you want to do it, and you feel like you should do it... that makes you that kind of person, if you ask me.

[impostorsyndrome]

[There's something about that gesture, right now, that gets under his skin, and Kadoc can feel his heart begin to pound when she does it. His fingers tighten on hers. She's accepting him even when he directly talks about this, and Anastasia, and that means more than he can express or maybe even admit to himself.]

Yeah, but maybe it's a fluke. I dunno. Doing it once doesn't make me that guy. . . . Sorry. I don't really wanna spend this time with you forcing you to reassure me. That wasn't my intent.

[fujimaru]

You also said that you want to. I think that counts for more than you're giving it credit for.

[ She covers his hand with her other, so that one of his is held between both of hers. ]

It's okay. Even if you can't believe in yourself, I'll believe in you.

[impostorsyndrome]

[This is the woman protecting their world, Kadoc thinks, but right now it feels like she's protecting him personally. He can, as always, find plenty to hate himself over. He can think all he wants that he doesn't deserve this kind of consideration from a girl he seriously fucked over on a level unheard of—and he does, but he feels lucky as hell on top of that. His hand curls in hers. He can't bring himself to hate that this is happening.]

. . . Look, I wanna say you're making a mistake. But I also wanna say . . . I don't want it to be one. I actually want to try and live up to those expectations.

[fujimaru]

Wanting to counts for a lot.

[ That's always been a thing, with Ritsuka. A sincere desire to change, to work hard, or to keep going... as long as those are there, she's more than happy to give herself of that over and over, as often as she's needed. But there's something about hearing him say that that makes her truly happy. Maybe this isn't as doomed as either of them might worried it will be. ]

We can both give it our best shot. Right? I believe in us.

[impostorsyndrome]

You're gonna have to. You're with a guy who doesn't believe in anything.

[That's not true, and he knows it. It's more of a humorous exaggeration than anything too dark, though, and he offers her a little lopsided smile over the table.

He's also aware that this is sounding more and more like navigating a relationship than just one date. But hell, maybe that was inevitable. It's not like this is a blind date. He didn't ask for this to be a date tonight just for the hell of it. If he weren't already pretty sure he'd be fine with whatever might happen next, he never would have bothered.]

[fujimaru]

[ One could argue that their relationship has just been slowly rolling this direction for a while, now. In hindsight, Ritsuka can see the trajectory, though she's hardly about to simply rush into thinking of it that way. For now, it's one step at a time. She squeezes his hand again, her smile unfaltering. ]

Hey, you know me. Since when have I ever given up on anything? Especially when it's important to me.

[impostorsyndrome]

Yeah. I do know that about you by now. And I also know you've got some shitty taste in what's important to you if I count.

[And yet he can feel the smile spreading across his face, helpless and bright—as bright as he ever gets. He's not a guy who does much smiling brightly. Maybe it's inappropriate to do it now of all times, when he's dissing himself like this, and kind of dissing her too by proxy, even if he doesn't mean it that way. But there it goes; he's helpless to keep it off his face. He wants to kiss her hand, but that feels like too much. He even begins to lift it, just the tiniest bit off the table, and then balks.]