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[fujimaru]

Ritsuka Fujimaru | 藤丸 立香
19(?) / F / Who knows!!

This is Ritsuka! Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

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[impostorsyndrome]

You thought you were gonna have a heart attack? I had to lie down for a while in the dark after I sent it. I spent like two hours wondering if you were gonna text back some kinda disgusted face . . . I know that sounds dumb as hell, but that's where I was at.

[Now he's already thinking about if it would be too soon, after they part at the end of the night, to send her another one to say good night, and this thought is so deeply cringe and yet so appealing at the same time. Oh no.]

[fujimaru]

Yeah, that's pretty dumb.

[ But she says it fondly, squeezing his hand before she swings them a little higher. ]

Even if it were just a friendly thing, I wouldn't do that. I like it when people are sincere, you know? And there's a lot of that when you do things like that. At least there is to me.

[impostorsyndrome]

I mean, no amount of sincerity is gonna make you attracted to someone you don't feel like that about, right? That's where I was coming from. I really . . . yeah. I wanted to think maybe you did. It felt like wishful thinking, but I couldn't stop thinking about it.

[He already wants to kiss her, and that's terrible. He has to make it through this entire date without doing it, and then maybe kiss her goodnight, maybe. Maybe he won't even do that. Who knows? There's so much evening to go, and he's looking forward to all of it, except for the part where he doesn't get to kiss her until the end.]

[fujimaru]

That doesn't mean I would have sent you a disgusted face or anything. I'm not gonna do that to anyone, especially a friend. If I hadn't been interested, I would have told you straight, with my words.

[ There are some things where Ritsuka prefers to leave things unsaid and vague as possible--usually when dealing with Servants who she recognizes need to exist within that ambiguity. But she knows Kadoc well enough to guess that any coyness on her part would only be interpreted negatively. ]

So... I'm telling you right now, you weren't wrong. I was thinking about it.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Since when?

[It feels self-indulgent to ask. He's cringing at himself internally, and a little bit externally too, as he says it. But dammit, he desperately wants to know, because he sure didn't figure out she might feel the same way until that last time they'd discussed making this date in the first place. He squeezes her hand in his, thinking about how it feels to be dressed up and walking to a fancy restaurant on a date with a cute girl holding his hand. Goddamn.]

[fujimaru]

Ah... since that one party?

[ She glances at him sidelong, just to try and gauge his response to that as she talks. ]

The one where we had costumes and they told us we couldn't leave. You know.

[ The one where they'd kissed, as awkward and stilted as it had been. She's only been able to mostly forget it, and it still bubbles up in her memory now and then. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Yeah, me too. At least since then.

[Has it been longer? Maybe, yeah. He thinks it probably has, but before that they were small, half-formed moments of feeling that surfaced sometimes and waited for him to look at them, and then sank down again into his mind when he refused to do so. That night had been the first time he couldn't not catch them out of the corner of his eye, and had turned to look. He looks back at her, a little relieved, maybe, that it wasn't just him.]

I remember being disappointed as hell that I wussed out of giving you the kiss you deserved. But I couldn't exactly try again . . . no excuse.

[fujimaru]

Deserved...?

[ She laughs a little at that, sort of breathlessly disbelieving. Her hand curls harder in his, but she lifts her free one to rub the back of her neck, meeting his eyes sidelong. ]

I thought I was being weird, because I wanted more out of it. And I thought, well, he doesn't really seem to like touching people--I thought it made me kind of a creep, even thinking that. That's not the kind of thing I'd ever wanna push on someone, you know?

[impostorsyndrome]

I mean, I don't, as a general rule. I've got my personal space, and I stick to it. But . . . I don't mind if it's you. I trust you.

[That feels as intimate as anything else he could say right now, and Kadoc can feel the heat in his ears, though he doesn't look away from her, even though it's tempting to do just that. It feels like he just told her he loves her or something. But it's true, and he wants her to know it. There's just no way he'd ever have come this far with her if he didn't trust her by now.]

. . . It's not creepy.

[fujimaru]

[ She blinks at that, then laughs again, another breathlessly happy sound. It does feel like he's told her he loves her--but maybe even more important, because the fact that he trusts her, all things considering how their relationship started... it does mean a lot. It feels like a weight rolling off of her shoulders. ]

Good! Good--I trust you too, you know? You should. I do.

[impostorsyndrome]

I don't know how the hell that happened. I figured you'd never go out with a guy you didn't trust, but I'm the last person in the world you oughta trust. . . . That's still how it feels after everything. I know I'm being a hypocrite, but whatever.

[But he squeezes her hand. And then they're heading up to the restaurant and inside, and he doesn't let go of it then, either, when the hostess asks for their reservation.]

[fujimaru]

[ Ritsuka lets him field that exchange, since the reservation is in his name, but she swings their hands just a little as they're led to their table. She only lets go when they take their seats. Once the hostess has departed, she gives him a shy little smile. ]

You're not the first person who's said something like that to me... but I really wanted to try, with you.

[impostorsyndrome]

[Here they are. This is a date night. They're sitting at a table in a fancy restaurant and Kadoc is grabbing his menu, and he's already braced for these prices by having looked it up online previously, so it's fine. It's worth it! This is absolutely a date spot. Hadn't he gone and picked it for that reason? He looks at her rather than his menu, soft.]

Which part . . . ? What're people saying to you?

[fujimaru]

The part where it's a bad idea to trust them. I get that a lot, for some reason.

[ "For some reason." She knows why, and she knows that her Servants aren't necessarily wrong... but she doesn't really believe she is, either. In the end, no matter what else might be said about the Servants who come to her, they've still chosen it. They've agreed to help her, and she's willing to put her faith in them in return.

She has not looked at the menu yet, because she is too busy looking at his face. Oops, ]

[impostorsyndrome]

Yeah, I think you might know why if you dig down deep.

[He smiles at her now, over his menu, which he's also not really looking at. It even pops into his head to touch her somehow, in a friendly way, but it's the kind of thought he has that he can't easily translate into action, and so he just sits on it. It'd be nice to do it, but how? How could he possibly?]

[fujimaru]

Ehhhh, I'd probably have to think about it for a bit. And I'm not great at that, as you might've noticed.

[ On a whim, more thoughtless than anything--which maybe just illustrates her point--she stretches a leg out, gently knocking her foot against his. It isn't footsie, not really, but it's a point of friendly contact, because she wants it too, even if she isn't thinking too deeply about it. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

[Oh thank goodness, she did it. That's how it goes, doesn't it? Count on Ritsuka to take action when it's needed, and Kadoc to overthink things until it's too late. He moves his foot to lean against hers. It's not especially sexy. Just a touch.]

You're not supposed to talk a dude into negging you, Fujimaru. Asshole guys do that all on their own.

[fujimaru]

[ It's just a touch, but Ritsuka likes it. She likes that he returns the gesture, and after a moment of fidgeting, she ducks her head slightly, peeking at him through her bangs. ]

Yeah, but... uh, not related to asshole guys or anything, but...

[ But. She takes a breath. ]

...since we're on a date, and we agreed, you could use my name...?

[impostorsyndrome]

[Oh, yeah. Kadoc's used to using family names with most people when he knows them, but that's not appropriate for a date, huh? And he wants to. It feels like a big step. He looks up at her with a little nod, fidgeting with his menu, like he's totally going to look at it any moment now.]

. . . Ritsuka.

[fujimaru]

[ She'd actually been holding her breath a little, silly as it was--just a moment of anticipation to see if he would or not. Ritsuka is familiar with using family names too, though she's long since gotten into the habit of using given names, and she'd really wanted to hear it from him.

So when he says it, she lets out a sharp little breath, and then laughs, embarrassed but glowingly pleased. ]

...Yeah. Thank you.

[impostorsyndrome]

[She's so beautiful when she smiles that glowingly. Kadoc is just kind of staring dumbly at her, Gone, when the server comes up to ask for their drink order and he has to fumble with the menu like an idiot and scan hurriedly for a vodka drink.]

[fujimaru]

[ Sometimes, when you actually give yourself permission to think about things in a specific light, it's difficult to turn off. Ritsuka also fumbles with her menu, her face pink; she picks a soda rather than an alcoholic drink (still, even now), and manages to keep her voice steady as she orders. No embarrassing cracks here!

But when the server leaves, she lets out a tiny little whine. ]

Oops...

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Heh.

[Okay, he feels better if they're both being idiots, and gives her a broad smile over his menu. Oops!]

Guess we should actually look at the menu before we get all distracted. I'm just glad I wasn't the only one. You still don't drink?

[fujimaru]

I still don't.

[ She shrugs a little, giving him a crooked grin in response. ]

...Kipposhi said he'd buy me my first drink, but... he left before my birthday rolled around. But since I said I'd go through with it, it felt wrong to just give it a shot without him.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Yeah. I get it. It's been weird. Probably way weirder for you than for me, but even for me.

[People leaving had just been kind of weird in a sympathetic way until it was Gareth, honestly, and then it had suddenly changed everything. How must Ritsuka feel when it's a Servant? Or several?]