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[fujimaru]

Ritsuka Fujimaru | 藤丸 立香
19(?) / F / Who knows!!

This is Ritsuka! Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

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[impostorsyndrome]

[Okay, no. He can't do this all night. He can see the long evening ahead of them, and there are three options to his mind, and when he really considers them, the one where they keep doing this is the worst one. He can't.

So he takes a deep breath and grabs clumsily for her hand. Even as committed as he just made himself, he still can't make eye contact, and he looks down at their hands instead.]

Are you kidding me? You look hot as hell. It doesn't make it weird. I'm the one making it weird, because I'm totally gonna be a creep all night secretly pretending I'm on a date with you when you didn't agree to that crap. So . . . just getting that outta the way now, so you can slam the door on me. If I made it weird.

. . . Sorry.

[fujimaru]

Kadoc--

[ When he grabs her hand, she automatically curls her fingers to hold onto it in turn. She can't help it; it feels like an instinct above anything else, so now they're here holding hands, standing in the doorway of her home.

They're standing here, and what he's saying is--not a confession, not exactly, but it's so close to one that it hits her in the same startled, vulnerable spot. For a second she doesn't know what to even say, though she has to at least try, because she knows she'd lose her mind if their positions had been reversed and she had to wait for his reply: ]

--you didn't. Make it weird, I mean. It's--that is--

[ She takes a deep breath, squeezing his hand harder. ]

--if it was a date... I'd like that? A lot.

[impostorsyndrome]

[At first, he can't figure out why she's grabbing his hand to throw him out of her doorway and slam the door, which is definitely what she's going to do, right? He's still staring at their hands until the very end, when he finally manages to lift his gaze to meet her eyes; there's something raw and vulnerable in his expression, maybe more than she's ever seen. The kind of face he tries to never show to anyone. It feels like he must be misunderstanding her somehow. She said something that . . . only sounds like that. Or that means something totally different, and he's misinterpreting it like an idiot.

Right?

But he looks right at her now, squeezing her hand back, because he has no idea what else to do.]

That's . . . you're serious about this? 'Cuz I feel like I've gotta be misunderstanding what I think you just said.

[fujimaru]

[ She takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly, keeping a steady tight grip on his hand. Okay. Okay! This is at least more familiar, running into the wall of his self-doubt. Ritsuka knows how to handle this.

...Mostly. ]

I'm serious. If you're telling me you want this to be a date, I'm telling you I also want it to be a date.

[ ... ]

And if you're just thinking it because, I dunno, I got all dressed up, and it's not actually something you want--that's okay too. I just...

...I just like you enough that I want to spend time with you, whatever we're doing?

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . That's not why I'm thinking about it.

[That part is the easiest to address, so he picks that first. He can hold off dealing with the rest of that monumental confession for a moment, and maybe be able to handle it gracefully when he gets there. (He will not.)]

You always look good. I was already thinking about it before I saw you. Why the hell do you think I got dressed up . . . it was already in my head. I just felt like a coward who'd go through this whole night thinking about it without ever having to say it out loud. Doing stupid shit like texting you emoji and junk.

[fujimaru]

I liked the texts.

[ If there was a way to like texts the same way one likes posts on social media, she would have done so for that blue heart. Regardless of what his answer is on anything beyond just a date, she is planning on saving it. ]

I thought they were cute. So. You know. Make of that what you will.

...But I also think you look good like this.

[impostorsyndrome]

I totally stared at your stupid heart face for like an hour last night. Just in case you forgot I'm a creep.

[Weakly, though. His hand is still in hers, and he squeezes it, taking a breath. Okay. So, they're . . .

One thing at a time.]

. . . We should probably start walking. To, you know, our date. The reservation's soon.

[fujimaru]

I don't think it's being creepy...

[ But he did it! He called it a date, and her fingers flex against his in a helpless little burst of motion. It's like it just bubbles out of her, and she has no real other outlet for it other than this hand-holding. ]

But--yeah. Okay. Lead the way.

[impostorsyndrome]

[He leads her down the walk and to the street, to head in the direction of the restaurant.

. . . Holding hands, after calling this a date. So, that's happening. It feels like his face is already on fire, and Kadoc almost wants to touch it to make sure, but one of his hands is very occupied right now and that's important! It's their outlet! He has no idea what else to do. What is it okay to say now that this barrier has been breached?! It seems like some things that were previously off-limits should be allowed, but what the hell are they?

He finally mumbles,]

I can't believe we're both fucking idiots.

[fujimaru]

...Are we??

[ The comment startles her out of her own contemplation of their hands and the maze of her own thoughts, where she'd been turning over the same epiphanies. They're holding hands, and they've agreed this is a date, and he has implied that he likes her at least enough for that, after she'd told him the same--wow. What the heckie?

But when he speaks, she looks up at him, wide-eyed and more than a little bewildered. This is a lot that has happened in the space of about ten minutes, and she doesn't feel like she's entirely caught up with it yet. ]

I think we're doing mostly okay...

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Sorry. That's a shitty way to start a date off. Besides, it's just me anyway. It's just easy in hindsight to say I should've been honest about it before I was literally walking you to the place. But I couldn't make myself say it until you started getting worried you made it weird. So . . . thanks for being so wrong I finally had to say something about it.

[Great, he started off insulting her as collateral damage of insulting himself . . . sigh. She didn't take her hand away, though. She should have! She deserves to! But he's so glad she didn't.]

[fujimaru]

[ She blinks for a moment, surprised... and then she laughs. It's a small noise, bubbling out of her, not quite startled--but happy nevertheless. Rather than pull away, she squeezes his hand tightly for a beat, swinging them a little. ]

I don't usually pay attention to these sorts of things, you know? Usually I don't think anyone's interested in me like that. But that doesn't mean I don't think about it--I was worried that maybe I'd weirded you out or something. Came on too strong, somehow? Or something?

But since it's not that... I'm glad. I'm happy you're interested.

[impostorsyndrome]

[His heart flip-flops at the sound, and despite everything else, that's when he knows he made the right choice saying something. If nothing else . . . how the hell was he supposed to act normal on an outing like this with her if that's how he feels when she laughs? When did this happen? When did he become a stupid idiot for her? But he is, and unlike most instances of being a stupid idiot, it feels good.

He even lets her swing their hands, holding on and peeking over at her with a shy smile.]

Yeah, you scared me right off with that emoji thing. That's why I sent one back.

[fujimaru]

I thought I was gonna have a heart attack when you did.

[ She brightens even further at the sight of that smile. Who knew that something so small and simple would make her heart flutter like that? She might have guessed, given her romantic tendencies, but it's still exhilarating to actually realize it's happening, and that it's happening in a way she is actually being encouraged to follow through on. ]

In a good way. I've never had a boy do that to me before.

[impostorsyndrome]

You thought you were gonna have a heart attack? I had to lie down for a while in the dark after I sent it. I spent like two hours wondering if you were gonna text back some kinda disgusted face . . . I know that sounds dumb as hell, but that's where I was at.

[Now he's already thinking about if it would be too soon, after they part at the end of the night, to send her another one to say good night, and this thought is so deeply cringe and yet so appealing at the same time. Oh no.]

[fujimaru]

Yeah, that's pretty dumb.

[ But she says it fondly, squeezing his hand before she swings them a little higher. ]

Even if it were just a friendly thing, I wouldn't do that. I like it when people are sincere, you know? And there's a lot of that when you do things like that. At least there is to me.

[impostorsyndrome]

I mean, no amount of sincerity is gonna make you attracted to someone you don't feel like that about, right? That's where I was coming from. I really . . . yeah. I wanted to think maybe you did. It felt like wishful thinking, but I couldn't stop thinking about it.

[He already wants to kiss her, and that's terrible. He has to make it through this entire date without doing it, and then maybe kiss her goodnight, maybe. Maybe he won't even do that. Who knows? There's so much evening to go, and he's looking forward to all of it, except for the part where he doesn't get to kiss her until the end.]

[fujimaru]

That doesn't mean I would have sent you a disgusted face or anything. I'm not gonna do that to anyone, especially a friend. If I hadn't been interested, I would have told you straight, with my words.

[ There are some things where Ritsuka prefers to leave things unsaid and vague as possible--usually when dealing with Servants who she recognizes need to exist within that ambiguity. But she knows Kadoc well enough to guess that any coyness on her part would only be interpreted negatively. ]

So... I'm telling you right now, you weren't wrong. I was thinking about it.

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Since when?

[It feels self-indulgent to ask. He's cringing at himself internally, and a little bit externally too, as he says it. But dammit, he desperately wants to know, because he sure didn't figure out she might feel the same way until that last time they'd discussed making this date in the first place. He squeezes her hand in his, thinking about how it feels to be dressed up and walking to a fancy restaurant on a date with a cute girl holding his hand. Goddamn.]

[fujimaru]

Ah... since that one party?

[ She glances at him sidelong, just to try and gauge his response to that as she talks. ]

The one where we had costumes and they told us we couldn't leave. You know.

[ The one where they'd kissed, as awkward and stilted as it had been. She's only been able to mostly forget it, and it still bubbles up in her memory now and then. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . Yeah, me too. At least since then.

[Has it been longer? Maybe, yeah. He thinks it probably has, but before that they were small, half-formed moments of feeling that surfaced sometimes and waited for him to look at them, and then sank down again into his mind when he refused to do so. That night had been the first time he couldn't not catch them out of the corner of his eye, and had turned to look. He looks back at her, a little relieved, maybe, that it wasn't just him.]

I remember being disappointed as hell that I wussed out of giving you the kiss you deserved. But I couldn't exactly try again . . . no excuse.

[fujimaru]

Deserved...?

[ She laughs a little at that, sort of breathlessly disbelieving. Her hand curls harder in his, but she lifts her free one to rub the back of her neck, meeting his eyes sidelong. ]

I thought I was being weird, because I wanted more out of it. And I thought, well, he doesn't really seem to like touching people--I thought it made me kind of a creep, even thinking that. That's not the kind of thing I'd ever wanna push on someone, you know?

[impostorsyndrome]

I mean, I don't, as a general rule. I've got my personal space, and I stick to it. But . . . I don't mind if it's you. I trust you.

[That feels as intimate as anything else he could say right now, and Kadoc can feel the heat in his ears, though he doesn't look away from her, even though it's tempting to do just that. It feels like he just told her he loves her or something. But it's true, and he wants her to know it. There's just no way he'd ever have come this far with her if he didn't trust her by now.]

. . . It's not creepy.

[fujimaru]

[ She blinks at that, then laughs again, another breathlessly happy sound. It does feel like he's told her he loves her--but maybe even more important, because the fact that he trusts her, all things considering how their relationship started... it does mean a lot. It feels like a weight rolling off of her shoulders. ]

Good! Good--I trust you too, you know? You should. I do.

[impostorsyndrome]

I don't know how the hell that happened. I figured you'd never go out with a guy you didn't trust, but I'm the last person in the world you oughta trust. . . . That's still how it feels after everything. I know I'm being a hypocrite, but whatever.

[But he squeezes her hand. And then they're heading up to the restaurant and inside, and he doesn't let go of it then, either, when the hostess asks for their reservation.]