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[fujimaru]

Ritsuka Fujimaru | 藤丸 立香
19(?) / F / Who knows!!

This is Ritsuka! Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

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text; un: wolfcountry

[impostorsyndrome]

[So, they'd discussed grabbing food together sometime, just, you know, as friends. Definitely not as a date thing, haha! And then Kadoc had eaten himself alive overthinking it: what it meant, and what he wanted it to mean, and what he was capable of saying about what he wanted it to mean. And finally, he'd reached the very mature decision to . . .

not outright say anything about it that would destroy all plausible deniability, but still. It happens that one afternoon he texts Ritsuka a link to a menu to a Place. It's a place they can go eat. It's maybe something similar to this place in its tone and menu, just, you know, with an Arthurian flair. And with that:]

How's here tomorrow night at 6? My treat.

[And she can, you know, draw her own conclusions, and turn him down if she wants, or not, and either way in the meantime he'll shove his head under a pillow.]

[fujimaru]

[ It's not that she'd forgotten--if anything, she's been anxiously circling her phone over what if? today? should I invite him instead??, and always punking out at the last second.

Her hands are shaking a little when she recognizes the screenname, and the menu is...

...

...Does he know this is a date place? He has to, right? This isn't a place you take someone as a "sorry about the really awkward time we had in a sex toy shop." This is a place you take someone you would introduce to your roommates, or whatever. Ahhhh?!

But finally, after a couple of seconds to stare blankly at her phone, considering: ]

Sounds good to me!!!! ( •̀ ω •́ )✧
Everything looks really good
I'm looking forward to it!

[ Nailed it?! ]

[impostorsyndrome]

[AhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhh she said yes?! She said she looked at the menu! That it looked good! So she has to know! Unless she's just completely oblivious?! But she's looking forward to it! He has to roll over on his bed and throw his arm over his eyes, feeling stupidly dramatic—and, deep down, a little bit excited to be feeling dramatic in this stupid mundane way that feels like something he was probably not ever supposed to have.]

Cool. I can pick you up at 5:45 at your place and we can walk. It's not that far.

[fujimaru]

[ He's going to pick her up? He's picking her up?? Holy shit?! He has to know the signals this is sending, right?!

Honestly, she's deeply relieved that they're doing this over text, because she might have just grabbed his shirt to shake him and shriek a little, and that probably would not be conducive to...

To...

Well, whatever, she can text back. ]

That sounds great (●'◡'●)
I'll see you then (´• ω •`) ♡

[ She types that fast enough that she only belatedly realizes she sent the heart kaomoji AFTER she hit send. Oops. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

[Well good for her, because Kadoc sure realizes instantly! He reads the message, and rereads it . . . and rereads it . . . and rereads it . . . and then he stops the rereading, because that's stupid when it's only two lines, but he keeps staring at it anyway. At that heart, his brain doing the stupidest backflips trying to make sense of it. (Did the heart go with the face? Did she just copy and paste it from a website or something? Maybe she didn't even notice? Or did she have to add the heart herself? He even searches the web for the kaomoji, to no avail, so he can't be sure!)

It takes ten minutes of this for him to text back:]

💙

[fujimaru]

[ Ritsuka had stared at her phone for a solid minute in frozen horror, then tossed it aside... only to dive for it again when it buzzes. And then she has to contemplate whether she needs to throw her phone period--in the trash, out the window, in his face when he shows up, something, because what the hell? What the actual hell?! Kadoc!!

Well. She's got time to agonize over what to wear, so hopefully that is also enough time for her to calm down. ]

[impostorsyndrome]

[They've both got time to come to some conclusions, and have no answers whatsoever, on either side.

He doesn't text her again until 5 the next day:]

45 minutes?

Sorry if I'm bugging you. Just making sure

[fujimaru]

[ It's been a WHOLE DAY and she is not yet ready,

But she does grab for (and nearly drop) her phone and has a tiny condensed moment of panic before she texts back: ]

That's fine!!
You're not bugging me
I'll be waiting ლ(╹◡╹ლ)

[impostorsyndrome]

[Okay. Okay! He has enough time to panic stupidly over how he looks for longer than is productive before he makes his way to her place, takes a deep breath, and knocks on the door, exactly at 5:45, because he waited so that it wouldn't be awkward. This is going great so far.

It's not even a date.]

[fujimaru]

[ It's not a date. That is what Ritsuka has been telling herself pretty much since he first texted her, but that doesn't mean she didn't go a little crazy in dressing up. What she's settled on is a long cowl-necked sweater in a warm cream color, and dark green leggings, and her hair swept in a back ponytail, rather than the usual side. It should be fine, right? Casual without being too sloppy.

She doesn't throw the door open, but she opens it quickly, trying hard to pretend like she wasn't hovering on the other side, waiting for his knock. ]

...Hi.

[impostorsyndrome]

[There he is! Kadoc, too, is not dressed up dressed up, but he's definitely dressed . . . nicely. A little more put together than usual, with black skinny jeans and a ribbed light grey turtleneck that's much less oversized than his usual baggy clothing. A flattering fit, for once. And Ritsuka—Ritsuka looks good. She looks cute, and hot, and this definitely can't be a date, because Kadoc could never end up on a date with a girl this cute and hot.

He has his hands in his pockets and his face is more flushed than he wishes it were.]

. . . Hey. You ready?

[fujimaru]

...

[ Oh, wow. There is something about seeing him--not cleaned up, exactly, but at least having clearly made effort to dress nicely for this thing that is definitely not a date. There's a couple of seconds where Ritsuka has to look him up and down, because she's always known he has a pretty face, but... it's nice, seeing him like this. Even if he could still use a sandwich or five, it's clear to see that life in this Camelot appears to be agreeing with him.

But he asked her something, and after a moment her brain catches up and she nods. She's also blushing, but hopefully he won't notice. ]

Y--yeah! Yeah, let's do it.

[impostorsyndrome]

[He was busy looking her up and down at the same time, oops. Oopsie! When he catches her eye again, his ears turn pink; did she notice? She has to have noticed?! (He didn't really notice her doing it.)

Right now, already, he knows: it's a lost cause trying to talk himself out of thinking of this as a date. He's already fallen in too deep. There's just no way he's going to be able to not spend this entire evening being a stupid fucking teenage boy about a pretty girl going out with him, because right now, even the thought of dragging himself out of that mindset is incomprehensible. Kadoc has reverted entirely into being a dumbass virgin kid looking at a girl's cute hair and face and legs and boobs in that sweater. Oh shit.]

. . .

You look really good.

[fujimaru]

What--

[ She had, in fact, caught the tail end of him giving her a once-over, but she can't really believe that was what he was doing. Surely not? There's no reason for Kadoc, of all people, to be looking at her like that. They're friends at this point, but it can't be anything more than that. He has no reason to see her as anything more, and she's frankly just grateful that they're just friendly at all, at this point.

But the compliment makes her a little shyly self-conscious. There's just something nice about a cute boy telling her she looks good. That's never happened before, and she knows she'll keep this memory as a private thing, a small nice thing to keep entirely for herself. Even if he doesn't like her like that, he still thinks she looks good. She'll take it. ]

...Thanks. You do, too.

[impostorsyndrome]

[Ritsuka, please,

But of course, there he goes too: she's just saying that. Just being polite, because she's a nice person, and of course she doesn't want this to be a date and would have turned him down if it were, so it's wrong, morally, to secretly make it a date . . .

His shoulders hunch up a little bit.]

I'm just me. There's no saving me. . . . I wanted to look as good as a guy like me possibly can if I was going out with you.

[fujimaru]

...?

[ She blinks at him slowly, confused, her brows drawing together. ]

I'm just me, too. No one's going to give me a second look unless I put some effort into it. But I wanted--

[ She wanted to look cute for this, even if it's not a date. Even if he doesn't want it to be one, she wanted to pretend? Just a little? But apparently that's a little too far, so she shrugs, awkwardly apologetic. ]

I just wanted to look nice for this. Uh. Sorry if that made it weird.

[impostorsyndrome]

[Okay, no. He can't do this all night. He can see the long evening ahead of them, and there are three options to his mind, and when he really considers them, the one where they keep doing this is the worst one. He can't.

So he takes a deep breath and grabs clumsily for her hand. Even as committed as he just made himself, he still can't make eye contact, and he looks down at their hands instead.]

Are you kidding me? You look hot as hell. It doesn't make it weird. I'm the one making it weird, because I'm totally gonna be a creep all night secretly pretending I'm on a date with you when you didn't agree to that crap. So . . . just getting that outta the way now, so you can slam the door on me. If I made it weird.

. . . Sorry.

[fujimaru]

Kadoc--

[ When he grabs her hand, she automatically curls her fingers to hold onto it in turn. She can't help it; it feels like an instinct above anything else, so now they're here holding hands, standing in the doorway of her home.

They're standing here, and what he's saying is--not a confession, not exactly, but it's so close to one that it hits her in the same startled, vulnerable spot. For a second she doesn't know what to even say, though she has to at least try, because she knows she'd lose her mind if their positions had been reversed and she had to wait for his reply: ]

--you didn't. Make it weird, I mean. It's--that is--

[ She takes a deep breath, squeezing his hand harder. ]

--if it was a date... I'd like that? A lot.

[impostorsyndrome]

[At first, he can't figure out why she's grabbing his hand to throw him out of her doorway and slam the door, which is definitely what she's going to do, right? He's still staring at their hands until the very end, when he finally manages to lift his gaze to meet her eyes; there's something raw and vulnerable in his expression, maybe more than she's ever seen. The kind of face he tries to never show to anyone. It feels like he must be misunderstanding her somehow. She said something that . . . only sounds like that. Or that means something totally different, and he's misinterpreting it like an idiot.

Right?

But he looks right at her now, squeezing her hand back, because he has no idea what else to do.]

That's . . . you're serious about this? 'Cuz I feel like I've gotta be misunderstanding what I think you just said.

[fujimaru]

[ She takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly, keeping a steady tight grip on his hand. Okay. Okay! This is at least more familiar, running into the wall of his self-doubt. Ritsuka knows how to handle this.

...Mostly. ]

I'm serious. If you're telling me you want this to be a date, I'm telling you I also want it to be a date.

[ ... ]

And if you're just thinking it because, I dunno, I got all dressed up, and it's not actually something you want--that's okay too. I just...

...I just like you enough that I want to spend time with you, whatever we're doing?

[impostorsyndrome]

. . . That's not why I'm thinking about it.

[That part is the easiest to address, so he picks that first. He can hold off dealing with the rest of that monumental confession for a moment, and maybe be able to handle it gracefully when he gets there. (He will not.)]

You always look good. I was already thinking about it before I saw you. Why the hell do you think I got dressed up . . . it was already in my head. I just felt like a coward who'd go through this whole night thinking about it without ever having to say it out loud. Doing stupid shit like texting you emoji and junk.

[fujimaru]

I liked the texts.

[ If there was a way to like texts the same way one likes posts on social media, she would have done so for that blue heart. Regardless of what his answer is on anything beyond just a date, she is planning on saving it. ]

I thought they were cute. So. You know. Make of that what you will.

...But I also think you look good like this.

[impostorsyndrome]

I totally stared at your stupid heart face for like an hour last night. Just in case you forgot I'm a creep.

[Weakly, though. His hand is still in hers, and he squeezes it, taking a breath. Okay. So, they're . . .

One thing at a time.]

. . . We should probably start walking. To, you know, our date. The reservation's soon.

[fujimaru]

I don't think it's being creepy...

[ But he did it! He called it a date, and her fingers flex against his in a helpless little burst of motion. It's like it just bubbles out of her, and she has no real other outlet for it other than this hand-holding. ]

But--yeah. Okay. Lead the way.

[impostorsyndrome]

[He leads her down the walk and to the street, to head in the direction of the restaurant.

. . . Holding hands, after calling this a date. So, that's happening. It feels like his face is already on fire, and Kadoc almost wants to touch it to make sure, but one of his hands is very occupied right now and that's important! It's their outlet! He has no idea what else to do. What is it okay to say now that this barrier has been breached?! It seems like some things that were previously off-limits should be allowed, but what the hell are they?

He finally mumbles,]

I can't believe we're both fucking idiots.